He Cheated On His Ex, Now I Fear He Will Cheat On Me- Should I Trust Him Or Move On?
Q. Hi, My name is Claire and I have seeing a guy for 2 months. He is smart, funny and handsome and I think we are compatible. Last week as we were talking about our past relationships, I asked him why he broke up with his ex.
He was silent for a moment and after slightly hesitating said that he cheated on his ex and his ex broke up with him. He confessed to me that it was completely his fault and didn't give any excuses. He also mentioned that he didn't want to be dishonest with me and I really appreciated that.
Ever since we had that conversation, I have been having second thoughts on whether I should continue dating him. I have always believed, 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' and in fact my ex cheated on me and it was devastating for me. I don't want to go through that pain again.
However there is also a part of me that feels it's unfair to judge based on his previous relationship especially when he openly and honestly revealed the reason and took full responsibility for his mistake.
Should I quit seeing him and break up (I am already feeling insecure wondering if he is dating and sleeping with other women and till now I have seen no evidence that is the case) or should I give him the benefit of doubt and continue dating him and evaluate our relationship based on his actions moving forward?
Please advice.
A. Dearest Claire,
In the beginning of your letter, you state, “Ever since we had that conversation, I have been having second thoughts on whether I should continue dating him or not.”
First off, I commend you for processing information coming your way. That is indeed a vital piece of relevant information that may (or may not) affect the future of your relationship and deserves the attention you are giving it.
In the last paragraph of your letter you state, “…or should I give him the benefit of the doubt and continue dating him and evaluate our relationship based on his actions moving forward?”
As with many reader’s questions, the answer you are seeking is already within your reach. What I hear in your statement above is an option based on courage rather than fear.
Since I do not know the man you speak of or what is going on inside of him, I invite you to integrate the rest of my response through your own awareness and filter. Trust and follow your own inner knowing no matter what I say. I only serve as a one-dimensional view to your situation. You are living it three-dimensionally.
Relationships are a complex interweaving of two individual’s backstories, wounds, fears and personalities.
What transpired between another couple has nothing to do with us. It is unfair to predict or determine our fate with a new person based solely on what happened in their previous relationship.
In my past, I dated three men who had previously cheated on former girlfriends and none of them cheated on me. I don’t know whether (a.) they learned their lesson (b.) grew up (c.) it was glitch or (d.) we had a different dynamic. I do know, it was not a repeating pattern for them.
I don’t feel it is fair to hold a person hostage to their past mistakes if they have taken ownership of their wrong and moved on.
In the Rascal Flatt’s song, I’m Moving On, he says, “I’ve been burdened with blame and trapped in the past for too long.” And then, “They’ll never allow me to change.” I believe this song is about a man who made a mistake, took responsibility for his mistake, but everyone around him continued to condemn him for the mistake.
You said yourself, “…it’s unfair to judge based on his previous relationship when he openly and honestly revealed the reason and took full responsibility for his mistake.”
It takes a big man to do that, Claire. He could have easily kept it hidden. Full ownership of our wrongs, helps us to grow from them. Hiding our wrongs often keeps them perpetuating in our lives.
However, I would be remiss if I didn’t throw in my Big Fat Disclaimer. So here it goes:
Just because you have the green light to release a brother from the past and move forward, does not mean he is exempt from any disrespectful behavior he doles out in the future. It is up to you to monitor (not obsess) about what you observe. If it looks and feels shady, chances are it is shady. Be willing to ask questions. A lot of them. Gain clarity by listening with your whole self – mind, body & spirit – instead of through fear. A person with nothing to hide and who cares about your well-being will be receptive to your inquiries and do what it takes to set your mind at ease.
Sweet Sister, I believe you have a good pulse on this situation already.
My advice is to trust yourself. You already know what to do, what path to take, because you can feel it. Keep your heart and mind open because an open heart and mind will hear Spirit’s guidance more clearly. Trust yourself, Claire, and be willing to make choices that protect and honor your sacred self above all else.
Much Love,
Kristen Brown
About Kristen Brown
Kristen Brown’s neutrality and non-judgment can be felt by anyone who has ever shared space with her. She has been called the “real deal” by many of her clients as she is unabashedly open about her experiences, follies, mistakes and history.
Kristen Brown was raised in Scottsdale, Arizona where she continues to reside with her three beautiful children and her amazing life mate she calls “the gift and result of my healing”.
To work with Kristen is to feel seen, heard and understood like you never have been before! She is a spiritual cheerleader! Visit www.sweetempowerment.com to know more.