“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice."
~ Brené Brown
It's been said that men fall in love through their eyes and women fall in love through our ears.
If more men really "got" this, they'd likely call us when they're inclined to send that lame text... but here's why they tend not to. Men are single focused, by nature and instinct, doing one thing at a time, with sharp attention. Even when he's sitting on the couch, apparently doing nothing, he's building testosterone ... truly. He needs that down time, he needs his transition time, his chill time, between all of his result-producing activities.
We girls, we are connectors and we want and need to feel connected to our guys, and we tend to like and need to hear his voice.
Here's the trick - learn to speak his language, happily accepting his text messages when he does send them. And if we need more, if we need that voice-to-voice contact, ask him when the best time of day is to have a call, even a quick one, and see if you can develop a pattern or a routine that gives you what you need. Many a man will accommodate, especially when we share lots of appreciation when he does make that call to connect through voice.
Let the little stuff go, accept the text messages when it's during his work day or when he's engaged in another activity that has his attention. And when you really need to hear the sound of his voice, let him know with sweetness and kindness, and don't forget to thank him for giving you what you need -- that's the secret to getting more of that juicy stuff.
Men DO want to make us happy.
They get to do that better when we're clear about what we want and need, and when they get big points for going out of their way to give us what we need.
Julie Ferman, Matchmaker and Dating Coach – www.julieferman.com
Welcome to our new lovely disconnected/connected text social media world. Although there are some advantages to all the new ways we can communicate it can also result in some serious frustrations. So, what do you do when the person you are dating is a serial texter who cannot pick up the phone to call? Try these tips and see if you get some relief or change.
1. Talk about it in person and let the person know that it bothers you.
Often people think that texting someone frequently clearly shows how much they care and are thinking about them and they do not realize the receiver is upset. So, share that it bothers you and explain why. Then have realistic expectations, the person is not going to be able to call as often as they texted but can likely call once a day.
2. Ask them if there is a reason they are texting and not calling.
Some people have become very comfortable with the low anxiety mode of texting and feel very anxious about or simply hate phone conversations. Find out what the reason is for this person. Do they feel more comfortable when they text? Do they feel that they can reach out more often because they are super busy? Do they know that they will not talk to you at all during the day if it weren’t for texting? Get the reasons, they might surprise and show you that the person is doing it out of caring not to be hurtful.
3. Decide if this is an issue that is paramount for you or if you can live with it.
Has it been like this since day one and you are now wanting to change it or has it recently changed? Is it indicative of something bigger? Are you just looking for something to think there is a problem? Ask yourself these questions and then really look at the honest answers and decide if you really need this battle or not. It may be a small thing about a wonderful relationship that is not worth the fight and hurt or it may be showing that something else is wrong and needs fixing.
We often need to take a step back and look at why we are upset, why the person is doing what they are doing, and what we truly need to do to feel content and secure with this issue. If we can process through all of this, we have a good chance of coming out the other end feeling much better about everything and feeling like we do not need to spend more time and energy on this issue.
Neesha Lenzini, MS - www.relationshipsinneed.com
We live in a world in which there are many options for communicating.
Some methods seem to enjoy surges of popularity and are then eclipsed by something new. Changing from a comfortable mode to a new mode is generally uncomfortable unless you’re really young, in which case it’s probably exciting.
Without totally revealing my age, I grew up with the telephone, which was my chief mode of communicating for a long time.
Then my clients began to email, so I had to make that adjustment. When I’d finally adjusted to that, texting became popular. I fought that one for a long time, but I eventually realized that if I wanted to connect with anyone younger than 25, I had to overcome my strong reluctance and begin to text. The surprising thing was how much I liked it! It was so easy and time saving! Who knows how I’ll feel with whatever comes next; I just know that whatever it is, if I want to be connected and stay relevant, I will have to get used to it.
I do think that the further away we get from actual conversations, the more room there is for misunderstanding.
Once you send something you don’t actually know how it’s will being received. It seems reasonable to assume that the briefer the message, the more room there is for misinterpretation. I don’t have a solution to this issue; I just think it’s important to recognize that you could be misperceived and you could also misperceive another. I would never advise breaking off a relationship over a text.
Men are notoriously bad communicators.
Almost all women are better. So although you might enjoy a lengthy in depth phone conversation, your partner may not and he now has other options. I think for the most part you just have to accept it. If you really want to talk to him, call him. But if he’s communicating regularly with you by email or text, accept it. He’s probably not going to change his preferences.
All things being equal, this shouldn’t be a deal breaker. Just try to enjoy that he is interested enough and is willing to communicate with you. Be flexible in your preferences. There really isn’t a right or wrong here so maybe it’s not important enough to create a conflict.
Sally LeBoy, MFT – www.sallyleboymft.com
Texting serves a wonderful purpose.
You can quickly check on where someone is or where to meet for the movies. The problem is that texting has gotten out of hand. It is now used for all sorts of communication and the phone and even face-to-face dialogue is becoming obsolete.
It seems that texting is the current way to get to know your new love interest. You meet online, communicate back and forth on the site and chat about your likes, dislikes, job, friends and other factors before you meet. If he seems interesting, you’ll meet in person, exchanging phone numbers so you can chat some more via text.
Can you get him to call you so you can have a real conversation and get to know him better? Sometimes, but most times his line of communication is by texting, which he’s doing with 5 other women.
Why is texting so pervasive?
It keeps him from getting too close too quickly, which some guys like because they can play the field. It lets him be evasive and even disappear, since he just has to ignore a text, as if he never got it. It allows him to respond when he wants to and perhaps keep the upper hand in the relationship. It is also easier to write what he wants to say, than say it out loud.
Of course there is so much miscommunication with texting. You can easily misconstrue what was written because there is no intonation, expression, or body language that can help you understand what he really means. And, many times he will abbreviate sentences, words or use symbols to convey his message, adding to the confusion and perhaps chaos.
Does the situation seem helpless?
No! When he texts you, you can tell him you’d like to tell him something, but it’s complicated, so let’s talk on the phone. You can tell him that you’re not that good at texting and prefer the phone because it’s easier. You can tell him that you’re bad at getting back to people when they text and that it may take you a while to respond to him.
And you can be honest and tell him that you’re at that point in the relationship that you need to be talking on the phone more.
If he’s in the same place as you emotionally, he will comply and move with you towards a healthy, more open and communicative relationship, which is the foundation you need for anything long-term.
Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com
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