- in Attraction
“If you learn to really sit with loneliness and embrace it for the gift that it is…an opportunity to get to know YOU, to learn how strong you really are, to depend on no one but YOU for your happiness…you will realize that a little loneliness goes a LONG way in creating a richer, deeper, more vibrant and colorful YOU."
~ Mandy Hale
It's extremely common to getting stuck on a dating carousel.
You probably swear that this time it's different, and maybe some things are, but in the end it turns out it was the same ride as before. And as the time before that. And before that.
What's going wrong?
What can you do differently next time to attract the high quality man you want to spend your life with?
The absolute first thing you must do before dating, and I emphasize this with all of my coaching clients because it breaks the repeating pattern immediately, is to be as clear as possible about who the partner is that you want to attract. His values, goals, qualities, traits, and way of life.
If you have no idea about the type of man you want then you can start by getting clear about who you are and how you want to live your life.
What are your goals and values? What do you still want to do with your life? This is extremely important to know because if, for example, you want to start a family then you will want a man quite different than if you don't.
Once you are clear on who you are and who this high quality man is that you want to attract, then you will have a strong foundation and can deliberately date a man that fits this picture instead of just leaving love to chance and basing a relationship on chemistry by itself.
In short, know the high quality man you want to attract in advance and be the high quality woman that will attract him!
Dina Robison, Love Coach - www.dinarobison.com
Many people have the mistaken idea that the way to become emotionally healthy and a high quality person is to find someone like that for a life partner. A nice idea, but a mistaken assumption.
Here are several reasons why:
#1 The only way to find a partner of quality is to be one yourself
I have had far too many clients who seek stellar qualities in a romantic partner based on the notion that if a wonderful person chooses and loves them, then they must be lovable. And, of course, when that person stops loving or leaves them, these clients feel totally unlovable. The only way to find quality in a partner is to keep developing it in yourself. That way it’s yours to have and to hold forever, whether your single or paired up with someone.
The underlying concern is that many women feel badly about themselves to begin with.
Maybe they’ve suffered trauma or have been abused or neglected. Maybe they’ve chosen partners who weren’t emotionally healthy and have a history of rejection and abandonment. This leads them to erroneously believe that there’s something wrong with them rather than the truth: That they repeatedly choose partners who aren’t mentally healthy or worthy of them.
#2 Don’t confuse high quality with perfect
If you believe that high quality means that someone needs to be perfect, good luck with that. None of us are perfect. We don’t need to be so for someone to love us and we don’t need them to be for us to love them. In fact, be wary of potential partners who feel the need to be perfect. This shows up in their being hard on themselves and lacking self-compassion. It also surfaces when they have too high expectations of you and others. In fact, one of the finest qualities that you can look for is someone who’s compassionate and self-compassionate, who works to become a better person all the while knowing he’ll never be his ideal.
#3. Recognize what constitutes a high quality person
What are the qualities you consider high quality? Are they traits that age well and will last? Will they weather any storm? If you plan to have children, do you want this person to give half his genes to them and co-parent with you? Too many people choose dates or mates that are either like their parents or opposite them, which does little to move you toward high quality, as many of our parents were not all that emotionally healthy themselves.
Traits that make for high quality include the following. The person must be honest to a fault, which means not lying, minimizing, rationalizing or making excuses. There’s also a need for accountability and flexibility to grow healthier. You’ll want someone who takes excellent care of himself and you, not one or the other. If he only takes care of you and not himself, watch out for co-dependence. If he only takes care of himself and not you, be wary of narcissism.
#4. Recognize that high quality shines from the inside, not the outside
You may be attracted to partners who are like shiny pennies—they’re easy on the eye, but in shambles internally. Many women have this problem and then can’t understand why they’re unhappy in relationships. Sure, someone who’s good looking and dresses well might tempt you, but make sure that his personality and character match a good appearance. This is not to say that some people can’t be both, but you don’t want to lead with that assumption. In particular, look for someone who is confident, but not over-confident, as this trait can often masque deep insecurity.
To summarize, become the highest quality person you can be without expecting perfection; recognize true quality, including the traits that make for an exceptional person; and don’t be fooled by someone who looks good, but that’s all there is to him.
Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, M.Ed. – www.karenrkoenig.com
On the morning of your 30th birthday you wake up in tears.
You realize that you are single, drained by pointless relationships, and have no idea where you are headed. Your happily married friends are already sending you photos of their newborn babies and you keep wondering if this is ever going to happen for you.
But it’s not just that you want to get married and start a family. What is truly bothering you is that no matter how hard you try to find that perfect guy, you somehow always end up in a wrong relationship, miserable as ever.
Deep down you know it’s true.
You fell for a guy who happened to be married with kids. Then later on, you thought you found the perfect one who turned out to be a psychopath, sickly in love with his mother. And of course, the inevitable narcissist whose love for himself only grew stronger as you started dating.
You tried so hard to be liked, adapting to their way of thinking that you had no idea what you were doing wrong.
But the truth is that you started losing yourself without even realizing it.
When you’re starving for love and intimacy it’s hard to understand why you’re attracting all the wrong men.
So, let me ask you: How well do you know yourself?
Are you a vegetarian, an introvert, an avid runner, traveler or reader? Do you have strong beliefs and life values that you always stand behind? Still, the moment you venture out into a new relationship you completely forget what you stand for.
Are you prone to pretending to be someone you are not and hide your insecurities just to get him to stay?
Just think of all the months and years wasted on a wrong guy thinking that he might change somewhere along the way and ask you to marry him.
We’ve all been there.
After years of analyzing my life, mistakes, and challenges I realized that every time I found myself in a wrong relationship, when my heart said no and my brain thought I could “change” him, I made a horrible mistake.
I suffered because I stopped being me. I stopped doing things that made me happy. I endured the pain because I was afraid to say no and end up rejected and alone again.
But after learning that no man and no relationship is worth my suffering, my health, and my time, I made a conscious decision to make a change.
That same year, I sat down and set my priorities straight. I started journaling about my life and how I wanted it to be. And I started writing to him. I’d write sweet little notes in my diary to my perfect man. I knew what he was like, what he loved, how much we cared for each other. I knew exactly what I wanted and was determined to find him. Six months later we met. Eight months later we were married. Eight plus years, I still know he is the perfect one for me.
Are you ready to attract a high-quality man, who is perfect for you?
A guy who is sincere, intelligent, warm and expressive, who takes good care of himself and knows exactly who he is and what he wants.
A guy who wants to show you off to the world even when you are wearing sweats and no make up? Who holds your hand in front of his friends and family, constantly reminding you how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU. The one who tells his friends that you are the one, who will always say what’s on his mind and will never try to hurt you. Who will shut you up with sweet kisses and love you in a million different ways.
The one who loves you just the way you are.
Then let’s jump right in.
1. Take full responsibility of your life. Remember that you are not a victim and that there is absolutely no one to blame for anything you’ve experienced so far. The choices you made have brought you where you are now and you have the power to make your life the best possible. Work on yourself, challenge your limits and don't let anyone tell you that your dreams are too big.
2. Listen to your inner guidance. Never disregard what your gut says. If something deep inside tells you that something is not right about the man you’re seeing, trust it. Detach from expectations and just go with your intuition. It never lies.
3. Be happy and satisfied with yourself and your life. Do the things you love. Your happiness and wellbeing are the most important so you need to start putting yourself and your needs first. Stop complaining and criticizing the world around you, stop sabotaging yourself. Write down everything you ever wanted to do and let the adventure begin. When you are happy and fulfilled, your relationship with the right man will flourish. Being miserable and waiting for him to make you happy is a sure sign that you need to turn to yourself and start working on YOU.
4. Write it down. What do you want your perfect man to be like? What kind of relationship do you desire? When you know what to focus on and know your priorities, you will never settle for anything less. Remember that it is OK to say “no” and walk away. It’s fun to go on dates but if you feel that something is wrong or you simply don’t see yourself with that person, just move on.
5. Be who you are. It sounds simple. And it is. Be yourself. Know yourself so well that you are not willing to change just to fit into someone else’s expectation of you. Be a lady, dress up nicely, don’t be afraid to express your feminine qualities. But at the same time, if this is not who you are, don’t try to force it just to attract him. Dress the way you love, talk about the things that interest you and show him what you are all about. Love who you are and give him a chance to fall in love with the real you.
Stop looking for someone better than you. You are amazing, strong, brave and wonderful. An incredible woman like you should never settle for “good enough”.
I want you to know that YOUR perfect guy is out there.
So, grab the shiniest, most beautiful journal right now and start writing. Tell him what’s in your heart, what you truly want, and how you want to feel.
You deserve to find the love of your life. Don’t hide your magic. Just go get him!
Tee Sebastién, Life Coach - www.growbrilliant.org
We all want to have a relationship with a quality partner.
How “quality” is defined is very individual. It depends on what you value; are you looking for a man who is a professional? Is money a priority? Are you ready to have children in the near future? Are you looking for adventure and want someone to share it with?
As we know, one man’s (meat) is another man’s (poison). You are entitled to want what you want; you are entitled to (and should!) evaluate prospective partners through your own personal lens.
Personally, I define “high quality” as a person whom I can trust and who respects me.
For me, these are the basics of any solid relationship. Before you begin to explore anything else, you really need to be sure your prospective partner has those two very important basic qualities. If he doesn’t, nothing else will matter.
I truly believe that when it comes to a partner, we get exactly what we ask for.
If you want quality, you have to feel worthy of love and respect. You also have to embody the qualities that you are looking for. You have to be trustworthy and respectful.
When you value yourself you are less anxious about meeting someone.
While maybe not ideal, you can tolerate being alone. You will be focused not on just meeting someone, but on meeting the right someone. Because you have worked to grow yourself up, you will recognize when someone is not as emotionally mature as you are. Maybe not immediately, but after a short time there will be red flags. He will not follow through on commitments. He will not take responsibility for himself. He may begin to be jealous or controlling. Never make excuses for someone. He’s either grown up or he isn’t. If you want quality you have to hold out for it.
So finding a quality partner is really more about your commitment to your own growth.
It’s about working to become the quality partner that you want to have in your own life. There are no short cuts to this process. And trust me, there are no exceptions. Mutual attraction is always between people who share the same level of emotional maturity. It’s never too late to begin the journey towards self-discovery, and emotional maturity. Don’t wait!
Sally LeBoy, MFT – www.sallyleboymft.com
In order to attract a high quality man, you need to display the same qualities you are looking for so that he’d be attracted to you.
In other words, be the kind of person you would want to meet. Be the person with strong integrity, good values, exemplary characteristics and you will attract that same person, because he would be looking for those qualities, as well.
To what degree do you have those same qualities? Examine the following:
1. If you complain about someone lying and cheating, you better not have done that to your partner in your past relationships.
2. If you ridicule someone who has a bad temper, are an angry, argumentative person, too?
3. If you want someone to treat you with respect and honor, are you being respectful yourself? So, exude the kind of behavior and traits that are just what you want in a partner and you will attract him into your life.
What exactly is a “high quality man?”
A guy who is responsible, caring, committed, a good communicator, has close friends and family, is financially secure, sensitive, honest, funny, and compassionate is a man you’d want to have a loving, long-term relationship with.
Where can you find someone like that?
You won’t find him in a sleazy bar. Instead, go to places you would enjoy going to, like a museum, botanical gardens, political group, seminar, adult education class, gym, bookstore, friend’s party, sporting event, favorite restaurant, etc. to meet someone with like interests and similar tastes.
You can meet a high quality man because you deserve it.
If you’re looking for him, just know, that he’s also looking for you. So be the best YOU, you can be.
Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com
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