We Have Been Dating For 9 Weeks But He’s Not Over His Ex + His Dating Profile is Still Active
Q. I met a guy in an online platform. It was one of 2 guys I have met through online dating because I was curious how it is. He also knows about the other guy and I was playing with open cards and told him that I am only interested in one of them.
We already slept after 2 weeks with each other which is untypical for me and I went a step back as it has been too fast for me. He was crazy about me, wanted to see me a few times a week, took me to his friend´s birthday parties etc. Most of the time I calmed him down and we met only 2 times a week.
After we have dated for around 5 weeks I found his phone in the bathroom and checked it (sorry :P). I have seen that he is texting with his ex. They were separated for 4 months after a 5 year relationship. He was texting that he is missing her at the party and that he brought her an Easter present and he wants to meet her. I was quite surprised and a few days later I told him I have to talk to him.
He tried to act normal and has texted me every day though he felt I was distanced. I told him that I feel like he still has to close the chapter with his ex and he assured me that they have really little contact and it´s over with her. So I thought I will just go on with him and see how it will develop. We had a deep conversation about that whole topic and why I am cautious with guys who broke up only recently.
Now we are dating for around 9 weeks and I have seen he is still active in this dating platform. I know all of his friends. They invite us together to dinner and amazing events and he is talking about me when he meets his friends and everybody can see how physical attracted he is to me. He tells me how much he likes me and that he actually wanted to run free for a while but he didn't expect to meet someone like me. But now we see each other only 1-2 times a week (he is self employed and really busy but though!) and he texts me less.
I really don't know how to react. I know I kept him distanced a little bit and we like to play with each other, but also tell us how much we like each other. At the beginning it felt more serious than it does now. Maybe he tries to adapt to my behavior.
At the moment I feel like keeping even more distance and just tell him how great he is and it's really sad that he seems to need some freedom before he starts a new relationship and maybe we will meet one day by accident.
What would you suggest me? I would love to hear from you!
A. Dear Reader,
I hear your confusion; however, I also hear how very clear you are and not listening to what your gut is telling you.
If a person is fully committed they do not continue to dabble in other relationships. i.e. Sending emotional emails to the ex and/or keeping their dating profile active.
When a person is not satisfied with what they are getting from us, they will always keep their options open because frankly, they are addicted to the attention. By keeping themselves “out there” they can continue to get “ego hits” which are little blips of attention that make them feel important, special or worthy.
In addition, it is very difficult to relationship authentically with someone who has not yet let go of or healed from his past relationship. He will only show up a portion of what he is. That leaves you with only scraps.
Sister, you are worthy of far more than scraps!
The question, however, is not why he is doing what he is doing. The question is why are you not listening to your gut and moving on? Most often we already know the answer to our question but are afraid to take the next step. This can be difficult to do if we are harboring an unconscious belief such as but not limited to: there won’t be another guy, this is my last chance, there are not good men out there (etcetera, etcetera) so I need to settle.
The ultimate key to finding the right person for you is to heal the places inside yourself that is keeping you in scrap-receiving mode.
It does not matter what his friends say about you two or what he says to them. What matters is how he treats you. Do you feel like a priority? Do you feel him trying to please you? Does he work to spend as much time with you as possible?
If the answers to these questions are No, the best step is to respect and honor yourself for the amazing woman you are and move on. You deserve to be valued, made a priority (even amongst a busy schedule you can still feel it) and treated in alignment with those truths.
The time has come to stop settling. Trust me, sister, I did it for far too long. When I began to love and respect myself for who I am and honored all parts of my authentic nature, the “perfect” man for me walked into my life.
Love you first and the rest will follow.
Much Love,
Kristen Brown
About Kristen Brown
Kristen Brown’s neutrality and non-judgment can be felt by anyone who has ever shared space with her. She has been called the “real deal” by many of her clients as she is unabashedly open about her experiences, follies, mistakes and history.
Kristen Brown was raised in Scottsdale, Arizona where she continues to reside with her three beautiful children and her amazing life mate she calls “the gift and result of my healing”.
To work with Kristen is to feel seen, heard and understood like you never have been before! She is a spiritual cheerleader! Visit www.sweetempowerment.com to know more.