September 1, 2018

He Often Compares Me To His Ex Girlfriend: What Should I Do?

He-Often-Compares-Me-To-His-Ex-Girlfriend-What-Should-I-Do

Q. I am dating a guy and a thing that has concerned me is his tendency to compare me with his ex. One time when we were having dinner and as we were having a casual conversation, he suddenly stopped talking and was just looking at me. When I asked him if anything was wrong, he said nothing and when I insisted why he suddenly went silent, he said that the way I ate reminded him of his ex.

There are other instances as well, I don’t like him comparing me to his ex or seeing his ex in me. I want him to see me for who I am. I told him the same and he said that he wasn’t deliberately doing it but it’s something that just happens. His previous relationship lasted for 5 years and it was quite serious.

I sometimes wonder if he was interested in me only because I remind him of his ex. I looked at her pictures and I do see some similarities but not to the extent he feels. How can I stop being angry and help him forget his ex and stop him from comparing me to his ex? I understand that he is not doing this to hurt me and sometimes he doesn’t even talk about it because he doesn’t want to hurt me but every time he has that look on his face, I know that he is thinking of her.

Please advice.

A. Dear Ms. Beautifully and Uniquely You,

Unfortunately, this guy hasn’t taken the time to get to know you as you, because he is still too busy comparing you to his ex.

The tragedy is he hasn’t realized yet that he is still stuck in the past, hoping his ex will come back to him.

I’m not saying this to hurt you, but the reason he’s doing the comparison thing is because he is either 1) not over her yet or 2) hasn’t dealt with the emotional scars and baggage that she left behind.

There are so many tales from the ages of men trying to re-create their past loves, from sculptures to robots. It never works out because the fantasy is not the reality.

Right now he is re-enacting his former life with his ex, while missing out on how wonderful and terrific you are.

I have a simple rule about dating and staying in relationships: if your partner doesn’t see you as amazing, wonderful and beautiful just as you are, you have the right to drop him like third period French class.

Here’s what you can do:

  • Tell him you’re tired of the comparisons, and if he continues you will need to re-evaluate your role in this relationship. This way you are not ending the relationship as a knee-jerk reaction, but clearly explaining your case. You can also offer that he speak to a relationship professional who can help him sort out what he’s going through.
  • Change your look, if you want, because part of the reason he keeps saying you look or act like his ex is because you are playing the role, of his ex-girlfriend. 
  • Ask for changes in your normal dating rituals — for example, go to new restaurants, have new adventures, and find new people to hang with etc. 
  • Realize that being the object of someone’s affection doesn’t mean you’re in a real relationship —you may just be in a “fantasy” of his former relationship.

You deserve to be happy, treated with respect, and valued for being you. No one else can ever take your place, not even his ex-girlfriend.

About Jeannie Dougherty

Jeannie-Dougherty

I’m a professional relationship coach who has ignited hundreds of people to transform their relationship roadblocks into relationship fulfillment, using my Conscious Movement Transformation™ methodology. Where does your happiness come from?

Take my quiz and find out:  www.jeanniedougherty.com.

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