Q. I love what you mentioned "the problem isn’t who we are attracting; it is who we are when we are attracting him."
Sometimes even smart, successful and independent women who are confident and have everything going in their lives struggle with dating and romantic relationships.
We often hear from women who feel that they are not attracting the right type of men because they believe men are intimidated by their success and independence. While this could be true, can there be any other inner blocks that these women may be having that they aren't aware of and what kind of changes would you advice they make without sacrificing their identity?
A. The first thing we want to do when we feel rejected is locate the “problem” and attempt to change it.
We believe by altering our natural state of being, we will gain what we desperately want – a loving, reciprocal relationship.
We go on crash diets, downplay our accomplishments, withhold genuine feedback, minimize our experiences, lie about our pasts, change our style, take up hobbies we have no interest in, play dumb, play smart and the list goes on and on.
We don a mask and desperately hope the imposter we’ve created will be more valuable than the person under it.
I understand this concept, because I used to do the same thing.
I had an unconscious belief that something was wrong with me and if I could tweak this and modify that, I’d be valued and accepted.
It didn’t work.
All I accomplished was selling a false front, compromising my sacred self and further decreasing my self-esteem.
The perfect recipe for relationship disharmony and destruction.
Something is Wrong With Me – Is This True?
The other day I overheard a man saying how he is not attracted to short women. Although I am happily partnered up, I couldn’t help but giggle and think, Well, he wouldn’t like me! (I’m a whopping 5’2” tall)
But what awesome news for the tall ladies out there!
Just today I saw a video clip with Steve Harvey sharing his opinion of beauty as he was caressing two large honey-baked hams exclaiming how he prefers plump booties on women. Nope, don’t have that either.
But what wonderful news for the plump-bootied ladies out there!
Then I recalled a conversation where a man said he’s incredibly attracted to intellectual and serious women. Whoa, that’s definitely not me.
Yet again, what fantastic news for more serious and intellectual women!
Now, if I believed I had to be tall, plump-bootied and intellectual, I’d surely be suffering a massive self-deprecating storm right now.
Good thing I know better and it’s time you know better too.
There is nothing wrong with you because you’ve been rejected.
There are 7 billion people on this planet and frankly, some may not be attracted to us; however, there are many who will be!
Rejection doesn’t mean life is over. It only means we are steps closer to our dream.
Let’s face it, Mr. Rejecto did you a huge favor. He’s not a jerk, he’s a saint! For Pete’s sake, he set you free to go back into the world to find a partner who will love and value you.
If it wasn’t for my Mr. Rejecto 2010 Experience, I wouldn’t have learned to love and value myself or be experiencing the best relationship of my life. Knowing what I know now, I should have thanked him!
You do not have to fit a certain standard or mold to find a man. You only have to do one thing…
Own Who You Are
If you choose to believe something is wrong with you such as: I’m too skinny, fat, tall, short, successful, ugly, pretty, smart, dumb adventurous, boring etcetera, you will continue to attract experiences to equally match your beliefs.
Contrarily, when you love yourself, you will align with the Universe to deliver someone into your life who loves and values you for all that who you are.
It’s not fantasy.
It’s not a dream.
It’s not boloney.
It’s Universal Law.
If you are having trouble believing this shift in perception, I invite you to sit down for a little pen-to-paper work.
5 Steps to Stop Self-Limiting Beliefs
1. Find 10-15+ minutes to write down all the things you think are "wrong" with you.
Dig deep. The more the better.
2. Read through your list and love each attribute as a divine gift bestowed upon you.
I love my curly hair.
I love my brown eyes.
I love my obnoxious laugh.
I love my sense of humor.
I love my misspelling.
I love my small breasts.
I love my plump bootie.
I love my limp, my scar, my thin hair etc.
3. Now imagine a man loving you for all these traits.
Allow yourself to see, hear, smell and feel him. Bring him into your awareness. See how he not only accepts your attributes but adores them. Repeat this practice as often as possible.
4. First thing before rising from bed and last thing before falling asleep recite the mantra:
I am whole and perfect as I am. I am seen and loved for all that I am.
Feel the truth of this statement in your core. Breathe into the beautiful essence only you possess. Allow your divine value to take root in your heart.
5. Repeat Steps 2, 3 & 4 throughout your day.
You will know you’ve had a shift in consciousness when you begin to notice life responding differently to you. Let that be your sign to keep up the good work while your ideal partner makes his way to you.
I believe in you!
About Kristen Brown
Kristen Brown is an Relationship Healing and Self-Worth Recovery life coach, Author and Speaker. Her deep desire to help others reach their full potential blossomed in adolescence and later became her life’s work after she experienced a profound betrayal that catalyzed a major internal transformation of her self-worth.
Kristen Brown’s neutrality and non-judgment can be felt by anyone who has ever shared space with her. She has been called the “real deal” by many of her clients as she is unabashedly open about her experiences, follies, mistakes and history.
Kristen Brown was raised in Scottsdale, Arizona where she continues to reside with her three beautiful children and her amazing life mate she calls “the gift and result of my healing”.
To work with Kristen is to feel seen, heard and understood like you never have been before! She is a spiritual cheerleader! Visit www.sweetempowerment.com to know more.