May 26, 2017

How To Be Vulnerable When You Have Been Repeatedly Hurt, Disappointed and Rejected in Your Past Relationships

How To Be Vulnerable When You Have Been Repeatedly Hurt, Disappointed and Rejected in Your Past Relationships

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."

~ Brené Brown

# 1. Becoming vulnerable again after emotional pain is an inside job
Kristen-Brown

Vulnerability comes as a natural bi-product of healing.

In order to transcend a closed heart (because that is what lack of vulnerability is), we must be willing to admit and declare three things:

(a) I’ve been incredibly hurt

(b) I am afraid

and most importantly…

(c) I am willing to do what it takes to heal.

Becoming vulnerable again after emotional pain is an inside job.

No one “out there” can heal us. As long as we are telling and retelling our story in our minds or to others, we will remain stuck. When we finally see how our closed heart keeps closing doors, we begin to understand how our past pain is sabotaging our current and potential relationships.

By admitting we have been very hurt, we are bringing our shame and pain out of the shadows and into the light. Nothing can be healed unless it is first recognized. If we deny or minimize our pain, we are sweeping an ideal growth opportunity under the rug.

Although in order to heal, we must declare our pain, we must also know that we have to let our story go.

“Yes, I’ve been hurt. It really sucked; however, I am ready to leave this story behind and reclaim my life!”

The same holds true for admittance of fear.

“I am so afraid and I am willing to do what it takes to heal.”

By merely being “willing”, the energy swirling around us immediately begins to shift and when a shift of energy occurs, so does our experience of the world around us.

The Divine/Universe will hear our call for healing and step in to assist us reach our goal. This doesn’t mean we don’t have to do the work. Seeking a mentor/coach/friend who has dealt with the same issue is a prime place to begin.

After identifying and declaring all the above, I believe I was able to re-open my heart after a profound betrayal because prior to embarking on the dating experience again, I made a hardcore decision to heal my wounds first. I was willing to do whatever it took.

For me reclaiming my self-worth and personal power put me back in the driver seat in my relationships.

No longer was I floundering around unsure of who I am, what I deserve or who was trustworthy. Once I learned to trust myself, it was much easier to learn to trust a potential partner.

After any “failed” relationship, I firmly believe the time we take to feel and heal afterward will have great effect on how we show up in future relationships. Give yourself (and your beautiful, sweet soul) the gift of healing. Even though, Mr./Ms. Past Ass was not for you, this does not mean that Mr./Ms. Wonderful isn’t out there waiting for you to do the work so you can welcome him/her in.

Kristen Brown, Author & Certified Empowerment Coach – www.sweetempowerment.com

# 2. Have faith and keep your heart open to love
Alexis-Meads

Unless you’re one of the lucky ones that married their high school sweethearts with few bumps in the road (which is very rare), most of us have experienced heartbreak at some point in our lives.

Maybe love has disappointed you and left you questioning your ability to trust yourself in finding the right partner and ever open up again.

The problem is that being open and vulnerable is the only way to feel deep love and connection.

When Brene Brown asked a group of people at one of her lectures how many of them would be willing to give up ever being loved again, not ONE of them raised their hand. Not one. That’s because all of us NEED to be loved.

And the truth is that love doesn’t exist without the opposite side of it’s coin, fear.

We can’t go through life without ever being hurt. Love takes risk.

We believe that the happy moments in our lives, the loving moments, the passionate and sexy moments are ours to hold onto. So we cling as tightly as we can. But they were never truly ours in the first place, they don’t belong to us, and therefore beg us to open our hands a little more loosely. To let love come and go, as it’s naturally meant to. This is the most difficult practice of all, and yet the most healing.

I wish I could give you the perfect answer, beautiful.

A magic key of sorts to open your heart again and never be hurt. But the only way to knock down those walls of protection you’ve built around your heart, is to be vulnerable and honest about what you’re feeling. To get out there and allow a man to prove you wrong. To place your hands on your heart, close your eyes, and breathe deeply as you envision your heart slowly expanding.

Alexis Meads, MA - www.alexismeads.com

# 3. Timing + safety are keys to vulnerability
Barbara-Murray

Being vulnerable in a relationship is healthy, attractive and necessary for growth.

Without vulnerability in both you and your partner, relationships can lack meaning, depth and put a halt on healthy progression.

Being vulnerable is difficult. We are essentially exposing our true and honest selves. We are letting our guard down. We disclose details about our strengths and weaknesses. It is an ingredient in only the healthiest relationships.

So, if this is the case, why do we get repeatedly hurt, disappointed and rejected when being vulnerable in our relationships? I will give you two reasons, Timing and Safety.

1. Timing is crucial.

I meet with so many clients who have exposed themselves verbally, physically and spiritually in a relationship much too soon. They are always hurt and very regretful. One of the reasons it is so difficult to move slowly is the constant message we get from the media, maybe even our peers and heaven forbid our partner, to move faster than we are comfortable with.

Don’t give in!

Can you imagine a sales person coming to your front door to try to sell you some hand cream?

And you invite him into your home.

Can you then imagine inviting him up to your bedroom so he can tell you about the ingredients in the hand cream?

Can you imagine telling him all about how your mother died last year?

He then offers you a discount on the cream if you pay for a year’s supply. You both then decide to sit on your bed so you can discuss payment options.

By the way, he still has his dirty boots on.

This seems absurd, doesn’t it?

I am even having a difficult time writing it. Most of us would never do something like this, yet we make very similar decisions and do very similar things in our relationships. Making ourselves vulnerable in a relationship is healthy, but never before the right time. That time typically comes slower than you think.

2. Safety is mandatory.

Think about this for a moment. Bring to your mind a very intimate detail about yourself that you do not share with people. Maybe you have never shared it with anyone because it is embarrassing, shameful or even humiliating. Maybe it is something you do not fully understand, so you lack confidence in communicating about it.

Now try to imagine having to tell someone that detail about yourself.

- What would you need in that person to be able to disclose the information with ease?

- What would their body language have to look like for you to feel safe?

- What kind of eye contact would they make for you to feel they are listening?

- What kind of words would they say or not say?

- Would you need them to be totally focused on you or would they be distracted with their phone?

- How would they handle the information later for you to continue to feel safe and secure?

- Would they share it with others?

- Would they share it online where virtually anyone could find out?

- Or would they treat the information as sacred. Would they show a sense of reverence around that topic, knowing it was difficult for you to share?

Think about it.

You need to create safety to be vulnerable.

You need a safe environment and a safe person. You need to know ahead of time, what types of behaviors help you feel safe and comfortable in a relationship and what behaviors do not so you can communicate this to your partner. You will be much more successful at being vulnerable if you create a safe place to experience it in.

And lastly, the same goes for you. Ask your partner what you can do to help him feel safe and then follow through. Good Luck!

Barbara C. Murray, MSW, LCSW – www.barbaracmurray.com

# 4. Follow the 4 tips below
Barbara-Ann-Williams

Being vulnerable is a very delicate and sensitive place to be.

It’s like walking about with your chest wide open and bare to any and every one you pass for them to see all that’s there. This makes you an open target for predators. Just thinking about that doesn’t feel good, does it? So what would you do in this situation? How many movies have you watched and said something about this very same individual, like, “What were they thinking?” Try to look at yourself from a distance and make a different choice.

If you have been repeatedly hurt, disappointed, and rejected in past relationships, a lesson was missed somewhere.

Go back and see if you can find the cues, clues, writings on the wall, red flags, etc. that could have been your teachers in disguise. If it’s something that has happened over and over again, the only way to do something different is to reflect back on what happened and look at some other possible scenarios for you to choose differently. They say hind sight is everything. Well, this is an opportunity to look back and pick up some golden nuggets that could help you in the future.

So after, and only after you have attended to these reflections and past lessons, and think you have gotten them, can you begin to even think about opening yourself up again. It’s unsafe and unwise to reopen yourself to another potential blow when you haven’t healed from the previous one.

So after you’ve done this, suggestions for moving forward can include:

1. If the light is not red (definite stop), or green (full steam ahead), it’s considered yellow (which means be cautious, it could be a warning needing your attention).

2. Do you feel really safe? Check within yourself for a genuine sense of where you are; and stay out of denial.

3. Is the other person being just as vulnerable with you, or are you in this alone? (watch out)

4. Be clear on what your requirements, needs, and wants are in a relationship so that you don’t waste your time in something you don’t even want. Be clear!

After these, then, and only then can you at least begin to even think of opening up again.

Barbara Ann Williams, LPC, MS – www.barbaraannwilliams.com

# 5. Understand that our wounds can be a great source of strength
Margie-Ulbrick

It is a natural thing to be protective of ourselves when we’ve been hurt, especially in love.

However, while there is some wisdom to be gleaned from protecting ourselves in this way, there are risks. If we stay in protective mode for too long we risk that we may not be open to new experiences and in particular to forming healthy and intimate relationships. We risk missing out on the learning from our past relationships and from creating more happiness for ourselves in the future.

Our wounds can be a good source for our growth!

When we can look inside ourselves and be with rather than repress or reject the hurt parts of ourselves, we experience a transformation. We develop the capacity to be resilient and confident, to trust that ultimately we are OK no matter what.

Then we are able to go out and be filled with curiosity and hope, with interest and passion and to see that life is full of possibility.

We are not worried about being hurt and we therefore take things less personally. We weather the storms of people’s preferences, with an attitude of trust. We know that the pain of rejection will pass, and maybe even that this experience prepares us better for the next relationship.

It takes courage to open ourselves up in this way but the risks are worth it.

By understanding that it is part of being human to experience rejection we can move through the cycles of grief and loss and come through it at the other end asking, what did I learn, how has this better prepared me for the future? It helps to be optimistic, to see with a glass half full rather than a glass half empty perspective. Be brave, take heart and go out to create the life you dare to dream of.

When you feel good about yourself the confidence you radiate will be a starting place for creating better relationships and if you take things at your own pace, tune into your own wisdom and inner knowing you can develop a trust in your capacity that will stand you in good stead.

If you feel that you cannot get past the pain of past hurts and rejection then take a step towards your own healing and seek professional help from a relationship counselor!

Margie Ulbrick, LLB/BA/GD SOCSCI – www.margieulbrickcounselling.com

# 6. Healing, for me, was about breaking free of the walls of self-protection I had erected around my heart
Sue-Markovitch

One sunny day about ten years ago, I was driving on a two lane highway and a truck came over the horizon towards me on the opposite side of the road.

I was in another awful relationship at the time, wishing and hoping he would change and treat me better, stop lying, stop cheating. As I scanned the view ahead, I became aware of a thought within me that whispered, “It would be OK with me if that truck took me out. I’m exhausted. I give up. My life doesn’t work.”

That truck driver held tight to his steering wheel and passed me without incident. But as he passed, I reached the end of myself. I felt the muck at the bottom of the pit I’d been in squish between my toes. I hit bottom.

My healing journey was such a surprise.

It had so very little to do with the boyfriend, my ex-husband, my job, money, my weight, what I looked like or any of that. Healing, for me, was about breaking free of the walls of self-protection I had erected around my heart.

As I looked in my rear view mirror, I realized with each loss I’d experienced, I had closed off part of my heart. I had unconsciously formed false beliefs about the world in which I lived. It’s not safe. I’m not supported. I don’t matter. I’ve been abandoned. I’ve been violated. I’m worthless.

When you reach the bottom, you either give up or pray like a mother ******. I decided to pray.

Not out of any kind of faith, but out of sheer desperation. “Please, help me.” And the spirit of love within me spoke. And it said the most stunning thing.

“You are a child of God. You are loved, fully and completely. Your heart is still whole and so are you. Your identity, your essence, is not defined by your broken past; not by anything you have done or by anything that’s been done to you. Forgiveness is the miracle that covers it all.”

As I began to heal, I saw the truth. I am safe, supported, and I matter greatly.

I have worth and purpose. We all do. We just can’t feel it with a closed heart. Allow forgiveness of yourself and others heal your broken heart, and it will re-open to all the joy that awaits. Then always, above all else, remember who you are.

Sue Markovitch, Author and Life Coach in Westerville, Ohio – www.clearrockfitness.com

# 7. Follow the 3 tips below
Karen-R-Koenig

According to the dictionary, vulnerability is being capable of or susceptible to emotional wounding.

Well, who among us has not worn those shoes?

Being open to love and intimacy means taking the chance of feeling hurt, disappointed or rejected. Susceptibility, on the other hand, implies that we are likely to experience these feelings. In relationships, there is no guarantee of totally dodging the pain of rejection or abandonment, but we can reduce susceptibility to emotional wounding by doing these three things:

1. Avoid placing ourselves in harm’s way.

That means understanding what happened in previous relationships to upset us—she couldn’t commit, he was jealous and possessive, she didn’t want kids, he was overly attached to his mother, etc. When we recognize what didn’t work before, we can make sure we don’t intentionally set ourselves up for an instant replay.

2. Use discernment to watch for red flags and nip relationships that have them in the bud.

Using the above examples, we can take note when the person we’ve been dating for months refuses to even discuss having a monogamous relationship. We can watch for signs of possessiveness in a lover and see it for insecurity rather than a show of how much he or she adores us.

We can accept that someone who says no to kids may mean it and never want them. We can keep an eye out for our lover being highly dependent on his or her parents, which generally indicates a lack of emotional maturity necessary for romantic intimacy.

3. Remember that we can choose how badly we will allow ourselves to hurt.

If we don’t catch warning signs early enough and, therefore, are faced with disappointment, rejection or abandonment, we still have choices. We can chalk up a failed love affair to poor judgment or bad timing. And, it’s always possible to decide not to be miserable no matter what happened.

The goal is to understand this balance: that loving means risking vulnerability and, equally, that you can minimize and manage prophylactically, in real time, and after the fact how badly you’re going to feel about having opened up your heart.

Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, M.Ed. – www.karenrkoenig.com

# 8. Learn from the hurt
Karen-Thacker

“Tis Better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.” Alfred Lord Tennyson

Agree or disagree?

Anyone can tell you that if you are in a relationship inevitably you will be hurt.

When the pain is intense Tennyson’s words seem sadistic. Why would we set ourselves up for pain?

The reason is the alternative means no connection with others. We can have casual relationships in which we keep our guard up, but we aren’t really connecting. Deep connection is an antidote to addictions, depression and illness.

If you’ve been hurt in a relationship to the point you are protecting yourself from future hurt by shutting down your vulnerability, you’re heading down a path that will, in the long run, be more painful.

Bring a few trusted friends into your pain. Allow them to sit with you as you heal. If you don’t have any trusted friends, find a support group. Take time to grieve the pain. As you heal, make an agreement with yourself that shutting down from vulnerability is not going to serve you well.

When you feel emotion around the pain, let it be there but don’t go to the defense of shutting down to ease your pain.

That action won’t create healing, it puts an iron fortress around the hurt but there’s no oxygen, no nurturing, no tenderness. Those are the necessary ingredients that lead to true, deep healing; the kind that give us the courage to get back in there and give love another chance, and another, and another.

Learn from the hurt.

What was it about this particular connection that resulted in so much pain? Did you let down all of your guard too quickly with a person who had not earned your trust yet? Did the person lie about his intentions? Were there red flags that you ignored? Did trusted people in your life caution you about her but you pursued her anyway?

A gift lies in this pain. You need to do sift through the debris to find it. It’s called wisdom and it will serve you well. Learn, grow and stay open to connection.

Karen Thacker, LPC – www.journeyforward.net

# 9. Follow the 4 tips below
Judy-Hansen

I think the key here is to honestly evaluate what happened in past relationships.
What were the causes that led to the breakups? There can be many factors that contribute to them.

Here some dysfunctional ways I experienced in my own life:

1. Moving too frequently meant I did not take the time to develop strong friendships. Then when I found a friend, I would keep him or her at arms’ length to keep from investing too much in the relationship. I knew I would move again, so why bother?

2. I didn’t have good self-esteem, so I would date those that reinforced my self-image—and not treat me well. I remember being somewhat “freaked out” at someone who seemed to have really good qualities: kind, generous and attentive. He scared me and I rejected him. It was “safer” to stay with those that were familiar to me: putting me down.

3. Since I had not learned to make long-term friends, I didn’t know how to resolve or overcome conflicts that are the inevitable part of relationships.

4. Looking to the other to fill a need we have, we often inadvertently place them in an impossible situation. Humans cannot bear the weight of another’s need long term. They end up feeling like we are sucking the life out of them. Watching the movie “The Little Shop of Horrors” was very instructive!

Here are some ways I learned to overcome those poor ways of relating.

1. When I finally settled down, I looked for a community that seemed safe: a group of women who were in the same life stage as I was and had the same values. We met weekly, so this helped me form friendships without the one on one pressure of “getting it right”. It was through this group of friend that helped me navigate some of my difficulties of resolving conflicts.

2. I worked on my self-esteem through counseling, affirmation from the good friends I chose, and finding value and validation in the things I had accomplished.

3. I learned to have good boundaries. I learned that I owned my own house of emotions, problems, good and bad. This also meant that I had to learn that others owned their own as well, and I didn’t have to rescue them or try to make them rescue me. It became clearer when that line was crossed. When I was able to live in that place, I attracted others who also respected those boundaries. Saying the appropriate “no” was difficult, but well worth it.

4. Doing all of the above meant that I could be a better “picker” of romantic relationships, choosing those that respected me for who I was, didn’t try to suck the life out of me or me them, and were interested in personal growth as well. It also meant that I had to shed some friendships that wanted me to remain unhealthy because I “freaked them out”.

Judy Hansen, MA, LPCC – www.powerforlivingtherapy.com

# 10. Six principles and six actions for developing self-trust
Mary-Rizk

A common reaction to being hurt, disappointed or rejected in a relationship is to close down emotionally, vowing to never trust anyone again with your heart.

But there is a cost to that decision. When you close down emotionally, it equates to building a wall of invulnerability against potential relationship pain. And walls are the antithesis of the intimacy that you crave. Walls keep other people out.

So, if you want intimate love and relationship, you will need to trust someone with your heart again. Somehow. Some way.

There is an answer to the trust issue and it is this: you will need to learn to trust yourself first and foremost, because, in my opinion, distrust of others is always rooted in a lack of self-trust.

Here’s why.

· When you don’t trust yourself, you are more likely to invest in people who are untrustworthy.

· When you don’t trust yourself, you have little belief in your own self-worth. Therefore, you will waver when danger signals arise in a relationship, because you ignore the warning of your small inner voice.

· When you don’t trust yourself, you are more vulnerable to what others think or do, believing that their actions toward you and their opinions about you are deserved or valid, especially when they are hurtful.

· When you don’t trust yourself, you have little to no faith in yourself to take protective action on your own behalf when it is required.

The good news, however, is that self-trust can be built. But it is a process. Here are six guiding principles and actions to set you on your way.

Principle 1Self-Forgiveness and Self-Trust Go Hand in Hand.

Action. Forgive yourself for your past relationship mistakes. Begin to see them up as learning experiences, because, like it or not, it is through making mistakes that we tend to learn. So, close the door on the past, but stay open to the lesson.

Principle 2Self-trust requires that you place your needs before those of others.

Action. Draw a line in the sand. Make a commitment to put yourself and your legitimate needs first as opposed to those of others. Your only obligation is to act in your own highest good. Know what that is and make a stand for it.

Principle 3When you trust yourself, your intuition is your guide.

Action. Learn to recognize that quiet inner voice in your body. Pay attention to it. Respect it. This your wisdom, your place of truth. It will guide you to your True North. It will tell you when a relationship is okay or not okay for you.

Principle 4A healthy sense of self-worth is essential to building self-trust.

Action. Accept, despite your conditioning and that loud critical voice in your head, that you are worthy of reciprocated love. Accept it on principle even if you don’t entirely believe it. With this principle in place, it will make it less likely that you will settle for less than you are worth.

Principle 5Self-trusting people filter others’ words and behavior.

Action. Learn to filter what others say or do. In other words, don’t accept that every negative thing that someone else says about you is true. Nor is their behavior toward you necessarily acceptable or deserved. Decide that you are the best arbiter of truth in your life and that you will make a stand for that.

Principle 6When you trust yourself, you can better deal with disappointments and setbacks.

Action. Learn to put your disappointments and setbacks in love into perspective, because those disappointments and setbacks will happen. And you will sometimes fall back into old habits, but the difference this time is that you’ll wake up to it before you’ve over-invested in the relationship. Furthermore, you’ll more readily be able to harvest the learning from the experience and try once again. Remember, it’s progress, not perfection.

Mary Rizk, Transformative Coach - www.maryrizk.com

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