““There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
~ John Lennon
Just the title of this blurb can get your heart racing.
As women, we know immediately that expression "your biological clock is ticking" and it can throw us into the fight or flight stress response.
As an acupuncturist, I work with couples that are facing infertility and the number one culprit that I have run across is stress. Stress, that the pregnancy isn't going to happen, stressed it is taking so long, stressed that there is something wrong with you/us, etc. That stress response will shut the whole process down in getting pregnant and that stress response will cause you to react and not respond when you are looking to find the right man and settle down.
Here are your 3 tips:
Yes, simply begin to breath and let your nervous system relax. Feeling that the clock is ticking is inducing an unnecessary stress response and you will make poor decisions. If you calm your nervous system down, the stress hormones that cause adrenaline, cortisol, etc. will not be released, in fact, oxytocin, serotonin, nitric oxide will be released and you will stay in a state of empowerment and calmness and you will not chase after the first thing that looks like he could be a father.
Your body has intelligence that will guide your decision from a place of knowing this is the right man, instead of wishing he was the right man and settling on a wish, instead of what you truly want in a relationship and for the father of your children.
2. Respond to how to you feel while on the date honestly, not how you WANT to feel, but how you really feel about this person.
It is said that a woman knows in less than one minute if the man she is with is the right man. It comes through intuition. It is that feeling you get in your gut or your heart. Listen to that feeling, it is a divine power that is a bigger "knower" than your analytical mind. It is your very heart speaking to you. Your heart has thinking neurons, real, thinking neurons, like your brain, but they are in your heart.
We have been taught to use our head, but science is showing us now that all along, the heart is a thinker and can actually make much better choices than the analytical mind. But you won't be able to tap into your heart if you are reacting to every potential guy you date. It is really important to feel what you are really feeling and when you do that correctly, you will know it because you are responding, not going for the knee jerk reaction of "this could be him, I hope it is, my damn clock is ticking".
3. Know the pool you are fishing in.
If you are wanting a certain type of man that is ready to settle down and start a family, don't go looking for him in the bars or in any the places that are obviously not conducive for a family man. You don't want to be raising 2 babies, him and the actual infant, so you really need to get to know what is important to him.
Does he like a woman that takes care of him or does he like a partnership. Does he want to do his own thing while you stay at home and raise babies because, well, you wanted children more than him. Is he financially responsible for himself right now?
If he isn't right now, chances are once the pressure of raising a family comes along, he won't be so responsible then. Does he dream of traveling with his work and being gone much of the time?
That will leave you raising children on your own, even if he is a great guy. You want to know how much parenting you want to do alone, or do you want a total partner in raising children and building your family. He may have very different ideas of what raising a family is all about, so know how he really feels about the little ones that you want, long before you make the commitment that he is the one.
Nada Hogan L.Ac, Dipl.Om, M.Om - www.nadahogan.com
While dating you have certain guidelines and criteria to follow so you meet the best and most appropriate man to spend the rest of your life with.
Unfortunately, as you get older, you are concerned that if you wait too long, time may run out for you to start a family and be an effective parent. Because of this, your biological clock may cause you to make some unwise decisions, so be careful.
Here are some things to consider:
1. You do not want to view your partner with rose-colored glasses if the relationship isn't already solid and secure.
Your need to have children should not override your need to be in a healthy, respectful relationship.
2. Stay true to yourself and ask yourself if "this is someone you can see spending the rest of your life with?"
"Is he the type of man who is good with kids and shares your ideas on how to raise a family?" Be honest in answering those questions.
3. Don't be afraid to talk with your partner, because even though starting over is scary and time consuming, it is better to know now where you stand, rather than later. If the conversation doesn't go as you plan, then consider whether you want to stay or move on.
4. Try not to panic since that will cause you undo pressure.
That means pressure to meet someone so you can have a baby, pressure to move your current relationship ahead sooner than it should be and pressure to force what should come naturally. Be patient and enjoy where you are right now!
5. Figure out what you need and listen to your body.
Are you noticing any significant changes, like your cycle is starting to shift or become erratic? Are there new aches and pains you never noticed before? Now is the time to pay attention to your body and make some changes, whether it's adding new vitamins, exercising differently or eating better.
The most important thing to remember is to not judge yourself or compare yourself with others. Everyone progresses through their lives at their own pace. Getting pregnant later in life is not so unusual any more and many women are waiting to be financially stable before they have children. You probably have plenty of time to meet the right man to be the father to your kids, so set realistic goals and when the time and person is right, you will know. Remain open to all possibilities.
Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com
At any age, you may never want to waste your time dating someone who doesn’t have potential for a lifelong partnership, but when you are in your late 20’s or older you definitely think twice about whom you spend your time dating.
Of course you are putting pressure on yourself and probably others around you are pressuring you to settle down so that you can have babies, but you have to be realistic. You have to first consider WHOM you want to make babies with. You wouldn’t want to make a child with a man who is a loser, right? Or any man who isn’t worth your time or isn’t worthy of being the father of your child.
Consider these tips…
1. When you start to feel overwhelmed about your biological clock ticking remind yourself that if you hit the fast forward button on your relationship to get married faster or have kids faster, you’re taking a big risk.
Ask yourself if you will truly be happy in the long term with this man? Do you want to put your children through a divorce? Do you want to put yourself through heartache in the long term? You have to make sure that the man you are dating is worthy of being the father of your future children and worthy of being your husband or long term life partner.
Take a deep breath and ease your anxiety. Allow yourself to really get to know this man you are dating and enjoy your time together. And give him a chance to get to know you so that you both can figure out if you are a good match.
2. Find out if he is serious about marriage and children.
A lot of men these days don’t want kids. Some men want to be eternal bachelors and don’t want the responsibility of having to take care of a wife and child. Make sure you both are on the same page in regards to having children. If he isn’t sure about having kids, are you sure you want to wait around for him to figure it out? What if one year from now he tells you that he has made up his mind and he definitely doesn’t want to have any children. Where does that leave you?
Another year older and you have to start looking for someone new all over again. If you are in a relationship, sit him down and have an honest conversation about what YOU want and what YOU are looking for in a relationship.
If you aren’t in a relationship yet and are going out on first dates, ask the men what they are looking for. Don’t be shy. You owe it to yourself to make sure you aren’t allowing anyone to waste your time. Tell them you want to have children and you feel ready for children and it’s just a matter of time of finding the right man to have those children with.
If they get scared and never call you again, ask yourself if you would rather have wasted your time dating this guy for 6 months or more and only then would have found out that he doesn’t care to have any kids or he doesn’t want to have kids any time soon.
You owe it to yourself to let men know up front what you are looking for and if he is mature and serious about having a family, he won’t be afraid to tell you that he is looking for the same thing.
3. Date multiple people at once until you find one of them to be worthy of your commitment.
If you met a guy who seems so wonderful and you don’t care to go out with any other guys because you just can’t stop thinking of him --- STOP right there! You just met. You don’t really know if he really is all that wonderful. Maybe he is truly wonderful and maybe he is even more wonderful that you initially thought him to be.
You have to give yourself a chance to date others and see if any of them are a good match for you. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket – no pun intended! Give yourself a chance to really get to know this seemingly wonderful guy before you go assuming that he is The One.
Dating multiple men at once will allow you to keep your head leveled and not fall head over heels faster than you should. Don’t mistake lust for love. If after about one month, you see that he really is great and you want to give your relationship with him a chance, then let the others go and focus on him.
Jacklyn Bystritsky, LCSW – www.psychotherapistjackie.wordpress.com
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