January 12, 2018

How To Deal With a Guy Who Doesn’t Know What He Wants

How To Deal With a Guy Who Doesnt Know What He Wants

“A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.”

~ Mandy Hale

# Be honest and vulnerable
Kate Houston

Have you ever gone out with a guy who showers you with affection, tells you how amazing you were and treats you to extravagant dates to woo and win you just to suddenly drop off the planet and go radio silent?

If you are anything like me, this sudden jolt out of what I thought was falling-in-love land knocked me to my core. The sudden void of his presence and lack of doting left me feeling desperate, though to the rest of the world I was a smart, sassy and successful powerhouse of a woman. So I did what you perhaps have done: I texted. And texted. And kept texting. This went on for two weeks. Then I stopped texting. Because I never received one single reply from him. Just as I was ready to let him go, out of the blue he calls me. He gives me  excuses and apologies, defending his absence, but begging me for another chance.

And it was right then I had an ah-ha moment.

I had been in this exact position before. More than once. Every time before that, I agreed to give the guy another chance only for it to end in deeper heartache. But this time was different. It wasn’t easy but once I awoke to my own dating pattern, I had to do something radical.

I got real with myself and honest with him.

I sat down with him and told him all the wonderful things I adored about him and how they made me feel: how he squeezed my hand just once every time he took my hand in his, how he rushed to open my car door even when it was most inconvenient and how his sweet kisses felt against my lips. And then I also told him how confused and hurt I felt when he just disappeared from my life. And then I asked him a simple yet direct question, “What do you want?”

“I don’t know.” It wasn’t a surprising answer from him. Because I neglected to mention that while we were on our dating honeymoon, he had told me he was unhappy with his current job and looking into changing career fields, maybe even move. He told me he wasn’t expecting to meet someone like me because he wasn’t looking for a relationship. He told me he hadn’t given much thought to whether or not he wanted kids someday.

I realized he was telling me what he didn’t want during every date we had.

I just didn’t listen to him. I heard what I wanted to hear, which actually was me accepting a compromise of a partner because I was so scared I wouldn’t find someone.

But that night I activated my power while also tapping into my feminine vulnerability. I simply said, “But I do,” and told him that I wanted to be with a man who had roots grounded in a passionate career. I wanted to be with a man who was ready and actively looking for his life partner. I told him I wanted kids, 3 of them, and 2 dogs and a cat. And then I said the most courageous thing.

“And it’s ok if you don’t want what I want or that you don’t know yet. But that just isn’t me.”

We sat in a sweet silence for a moment before I got up and he asked, “So that’s that?” and I replied, “Yes.” And I walked out the door.

So when you are faced with a man who doesn’t know what he wants, but you do, be honest and vulnerable and if he’s the One, he will circle back to you when he does know, and if not you’ve made space in your schedule for the One to show up. 

Kate Houston, Love Coach - www.rockstarlibrarian.com

# Focus on gaining clarity in your own life

Having clarity is extremely important to live a fulfilling life

When our minds are muddled and confused, we lack focus.  We often become paralyzed and stuck, resulting in being indecisive. 

Clarity, focus, and posessing decision-making skills is a quality which can be obtained from placing our attention on our internal lives.

Our internal lives often get overlooked.  Our internal states get pushed aside.

For a relationship to work, both people would benefit from gaining a sense of direction of where each person would like their relationship to go.

We cannot make someone reflect on their lives and become introspective.

We cannot force someone to get to a place of clarity.

If we shift our focus and instead perhaps pay attention what it is we want, then we suddenly and instantaneously have a greater sense of empowerment.

When we want others to change, or in this case, help our partner know what they want, we lose.

We begin to lose ourselves in our identity as a woman and we begin to lose ourselves in the relationship.

Helping our partner develop focus and clarity ironically pulls us away from our own lives which needs tending to.

By seeking clarity in our own lives, we organically will make decisions and choices in our lives which will help move us forward.

This is generally when others take notice when we reach fulfillment and joy within our own lives.

Brooke Campbell, MA, LCAT - www.creativekinections.com

# Don't wait for someone else to make the decision of what they want or not as you sit by

Often, we can find ourselves in relationships and/or friendships with people that cannot even decide on the simplest of things from where to go for dinner to large decisions like where the relationship is going and what they want for their future.

Why do we put ourselves at the mercy of these indecisive people? There are often a few reasons we choose to be in these situations.

Indecisive people can often find each other.

If we have trouble making big or little decisions on our own and we find someone else that struggles equally in this area, we can justify that it is them holding things back not us. Truly look at yourself and see if you fall into this category if so, then you can accept that you both are people that like going along not making decisions. This may lead to not much progress in your life but if you are both okay with that then it may work for you. If you are not an indecisive person then there is likely another reason you are in this situation.

Are you still hoping and picturing the amazing fairy tale where the grand prince comes in knows instantly that he is in love with you and wants to marry you and ride off into the perfect ending?

If you are still holding on to any part of this you are expecting someone else to drive the entire show and relationship. That really is not fair or realistic. Instead of picturing something that is not based in reality. Look at the facts of your actual situation. What is he telling you? Does he know what he wants or is he a commitment evader? See him for what he really is and then decide if he is the person you want to be with or not. Is he really ever going to be the commitment guy or does he want to constantly stay in holding mode?

Lastly, why are you waiting for someone else to make the decision of what they want or not as you sit by.

We often create our own hardships. Decide what you want from this relationship and for your future, clearly convey that to your partner and then find out if they can be on board with this or not. You will likely discover that this person wants someone that can drive and make decisions and is very thankful you took the lead or you will find that this person may not be able to give you the commitment you want and deserve. Either way you get out of holding, sitting and waiting and letting someone that cannot make decisions determine your next move and every move after.

Neesha Lenzini, MS - www.relationshipsinneed.com

# Follow the 5 tips below

There’s a big difference between a man being uncertain of what he wants in a woman or in a relationship and women wanting things to be a certain way faster than their man is ready for. It’s important for both parties to recognize that no relationship gives 100% certainly or assurance that it will work out.

Here are some ideas on what to do if your man is giving you double messages and seems unsure of what he wants.

#1. Reflect on yourself

The first place to start is with yourself. Do a thorough and honest assessment of whether you’re wanting the relationship to solidify faster than it is and ask yourself if this is realistic. Because of cultural norms or a woman’s ticking biological clock, she can sometimes want a man to move more quickly into a monogamous relationship or marriage than he can comfortably do. Reflect on whether he’s doing fine figuring out if you’re for him or not and you’re the one who’s antsy for more.

Pressuring him can actually make him think twice and not be as certain as he could be that you’re the right woman for him. It may be hard for you to admit that you’re pushing him and that he’s pulling back from it. When you can see your actions honestly and understand how they might affect a man, you’re in a better position to analyze whether his uncertainty is a problem or not.

#2. Observe patterns          

It’s crucial in any dating situation to notice patterns. Too often, women (and men) jump to a wrong conclusion based on one event or interaction. Say, your man says he wants time to himself and you’re thinking this is the end of the relationship. Maybe he does need some me-time. However, if just when you’re moving closer together, he starts to pull back every few days, weeks or months, you’ve got a pattern going on.

Start talking about this by non-judgmentally mentioning that you’ve noticed this happening and that you’re curious about it. Don’t blame or accuse him of anything. Just make the statement and ask what his thoughts are. He may connect his moving toward and away from you with his mixed feelings. If not, it’s okay to probe a little deeper, but never with animosity or judgment.

#3. Validate his uncertainty

If he says that he’s uncertain how he feels about you, feel free to say something like, “I understand” or “Yes, I can feel it.” Don’t come down hard on him, feel wounded, and hurt him because your feelings are hurt. The more neutral you can stay, the more he’s likely to feel safe expressing his uncertainties. Your goal is to encourage his expression and not to shut it down. Ask gentle questions, but mostly listen to what he has to say. You might learn something about yourself that’s putting him off and that’s easy to change.

#4. Know your limits

If your man has been wishy washy about your relationship for a long while, then it’s time for a long, hard think about what’s going on. Uncertainty in the beginning of dating makes sense: You need to spend time with someone to know them well enough to make up your mind about being with them or not. On the other hand, if your relationship has been going on for a year and he can’t decide if he wants to date just you or other women, you may rightfully wonder what he’s waiting for.

Sometimes his uncertainty may not be about you. He may be waiting on a better job offer or deciding whether he wants to go cross country to graduate school. However, he may not have discussed these possibilities and so it may appear that he can’t make up his mind about you. If you’re truly reaching your limit with his indecisiveness, there’s nothing wrong in saying so. Only realize, enough time must have passed for the question to be appropriate.

#5. Recognize your certainty about him

Don’t forget that sometimes women can get so focused on, “Does he love and want me?” that they forget to ask themselves, “Do I love and want him?” Consider your certainty as much as his and know where you stand, no matter whether he decides he wants you or not.

Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, M.Ed. – www.karenrkoenig.com

# Get clear about what YOU want
Nancy Harris

If you are dating a guy who doesn’t know what he wants and you don’t know what to do, the first place to start is to get clear about what YOU want.

Are you in a place in your life where casual dating, of perhaps a few different people, is feeling fun and fulfilling? Or are you looking to be more exclusive with one person with the intention to find a life partner and commit? 

Depending on what you want, dating a guy who is uncertain about what he wants will either work or not. If you want to find a serious life partner and he doesn’t know if he wants that, too, be prepared for some possible disappointment and heart-break. Do you want to take that risk?

We all know dating takes precious time and an emotional investment.

The more clarity anyone has in the dating arena, the more likely they are to have success. When a guy doesn’t know what he wants, it may be a sign he is simply not ready for anything serious. He may need to explore more to gain clarity around what he wants. There is nothing wrong with that.

However, his uncertainty could also be a sign of deeper issues and problems that he is not facing.

Some things to look at when evaluating if he is worth your time are; how old is he, what is his relationship history and how does the rest of his life look? Does he have friends, a stable job, hobbies and healthy interests in life? Is he close to his family? Are there signs of irresponsibility and immaturity such as addictions, arrests, excessive debt and work instability?

I have seen many lovely, responsible women have repetitive attractions to “bad boys” who appear fun and exciting in the beginning yet eventually leave them feeling hurt, betrayed and neglected. Is he a “bad boy”? Does he enjoy the chase, but become bored quickly once he has your interest?

If you find yourself attracted to these guys who appear lost and struggling to grow up, and you think you can rescue or help them, be aware of this pattern in yourself.

This is a form codependency that may seem altruistic, but it is actually self-deprecating and self-sabotaging. Read Codependent No More and overcome your own self-esteem issues before you spend your energy trying to change someone else.

If someone tells you they don’t know what they want, believe them.

Be cautious about sticking around thinking you will change their mind. If you do this, you may be expressing your own ambivalence about what you want. There is a time and place for uncertainty, but maybe you are beyond this stage.

When you get clear about what you want and work on your own worthiness to receive it, you will feel uninterested in spending time with a guy who doesn’t know what he wants. You are simply in different places in life.  If this the case, move on and go for what you want!

Nancy Harris, LCSW, LICSW - www.nancyharriscoaching.com

# Ask yourself the below questions
Nada Hogan

Are you feeling like a ping pong ball, bouncing back and forth from "Yes! That is a great idea, let's do that. Wait, on second thought, maybe let's do this. Oh, no! Forget it, I don't think I want to do anything".

When your guy doesn't know what he wants, it can stir up all kinds of mixed emotions in you.  It can cause you to feel like you are losing your grounding.  No matter how great the guy is, you don't want to sacrifice your well-being for his indecisiveness.  

Here are 3 questions to ask yourself about this guy and this relationship.

1.  Is your relationship one of the things that he is not sure of?  Is he wondering if he wants to be in a relationship at all?  

If this is one of the things he is not sure he wants, don't put yourself in the middle of that.  Know what you want!  Do you want to take the time to deal with someone that maybe wants you, maybe not, maybe a relationship with someone else, maybe not?  Don't allow yourself to be in limbo and taken advantage of in that way.

2.  Is he just unsure of what he wants for the future for himself?  Is he questioning where he wants to live, his vocation, expanding his horizons in spiritual growth, etc.  

That can be a place of great discovery together, if it is a strong relationship to begin with.  If you are one of the things he is unsure of, don't waste your time.  Don't limit yourself to what one person is going to decide for you.  If he is the one that decides the relationship goes forward or not, that is not fair to you and you are not completely showing up with your God given power.  You have as much say in a relationship as the other person.

3.  Do you know what you want?  

I think that is the most important piece!  If you don't know what you want and what direction you want the relationship to move into, you will accept anything and you will undermine your own self-worth.

At the same time, when you are not completely sure what you want, that can be great news!  It can be a discovery phase, growing into the fullness of yourself.  There is a huge difference between discovering what you want and being pulled in every direction from another person who has no idea what he wants.  Until you decide what a relationship looks like for you, it is easy to get fooled into believing something that is NOT true for you.

Make a decision of how you want to be treated, how each of you will show up in the  relationship.   If  learning and growing together are all part of discovering what your guy wants, that is fantastic.  If you are feeling like a ping pong ball, bouncing all around without any direction....I say it is time to move on!

Nada Hogan L.Ac, Dipl.Om, M.Om - www.nadahogan.com

# If he is still deciding what he wants and you know exactly what you want, then it is time to move on
Jennifer Maddox

As a therapist who counsels women on a weekly basis, I find it interesting that too often women are entangled with men who have no idea of what they want.

I am speaking in terms of what men want in a relationship and in life.  

Wait! Please let me be clear: this is directed at women who knows what they want.  I say this because a woman should not be looking for love without first figuring out what she wants. I’m not talking about being bothered for the sake of company, friendship, or sexual gratification.  

Women have sat many days on my cozy couch drained, depressed, frustrated, and angry, because they either chose to exercise patience waiting on the guy of their dreams to make up his mind, or because they sacrificed what they wanted to please him. The time, energy, and heartache is not something that one can get back.  

Life is too short for a woman to waste her time waiting for the man in her life to realize what he wants.

If he does not have at least an idea of what he wants when you meet him, well ladies…perhaps this is not the guy for you.  A guy that you are invested in should be one that has value.  His value has much to do with his self-worth. A guy with self-worth usually has some insight to what he wants and what it takes to obtain it.

How do you know if you and he are a good fit when you do not even have a starting point? How do you know if he is what you want when he is still figuring out who he is himself? 

The guy in your life is supposed to complement you.

Ultimately the two of you should complement each other, you are adding to the other.  It is so important that women are not willing to settle. It is your life, and you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Men prove me right on this: when the guy finally decides what he wants, it is very likely that he is not going to settle. He will move on and go after what he wants.  

Women should take that same approach.  

If he knows what he wants in life and he makes you happy, then maybe he’s your guy. However, if he is still deciding what he wants and you know exactly what you want, then it is time to move on.

Jennifer Maddox, MA, LLPC - www.mybreakthroughcounseling.com

# You don’t have to wait on a guy to figure out what he wants before you figure out what you want.
Margalis Fjelstad

If you have no idea what the guy in your life wants, then it can be really tricky to figure out where you’re going together.

And if you’re putting what you want on hold, or not even figuring out what you want because you’re waiting for him, then your life and relationship can feel really stuck.

For much too long women have been told and taught to give up what we want to please others—especially for the men in our lives. So, we can end up not thinking or planning enough for what we want. Or if we do have our own plans and expectations, we may keep them hidden and try to subtly convince the man to head in the “right direction.”

If you haven’t asked the guy in your life what he wants in his life, then that’s the best place to start.

Ask first about his life goals rather than “Where is this relationship headed?” It’s less threatening, and if you’re thinking of hooking your life up with his, then this is good information. But what if he doesn’t have any particular plans or goals? Then, you might want to share with him some of your plans and life goals. This can be a casual conversation. It doesn’t have to be demanding or tense.

Of course, that conversation will naturally include what you want to do in your own life.

If you haven’t decided on goals of your own, then it would be a good idea to spend some time on that before you expect a plan from him. If, however, you’re waiting to decide what to do with your life, until he decides what to do with his life, then you’ve already joined a relationship without any discernable direction.

You don’t have to wait on a guy to figure out what he wants before you figure out what you want.

If you have things you want to do or places you want to be, then start your own plan. If you have plans for your life, and the guy you’re with doesn’t seem to have any of his own, then you are already on different life paths. Waiting for him to find a path of his own, just ends up with you putting your plans on hold. For how long? Only you can decide that.

That’s right. You don’t have to wait to do what you want to do until he agrees or tells you where he’s going in life.

Do you really want to sit around and wait, or badger, or demand that he get his plans together? Go ahead with your own plans. If he’s right for you, that could stimulate him to get on with his own life so he can join you. If he doesn’t get things together, then yes, you’ll probably leave him behind. But you’ll have lots of new opportunities where you’re headed to meet someone on a similar path to yours.

Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D., LMFT – www.margalistherapy.com

# Don’t put your life on hold for a “what if” with this guy

What do you want?

This can be complicated or simple depending on whether you know what you want.  Sometimes a guy is worth waiting for and sometimes he isn’t. Let me explain. If you know what you want and are ready for marriage and children you might need an answer about whether he is ready sooner than later. If you have some time and want to see where the relationship goes, then maybe you might want to wait.

There is a point in which you need a direct answer. It is not fair to string you along with the idea of a relationship and long term plans, when he is not sure of what he wants. When starting a relationship, you need to be honest about what you want and expect from him in the relationship. Just like you want him to be honest about what he wants and expects from you in the relationship.

Respect his limits

Don’t tell him you want five children and expect him to change his mind if he tells he doesn’t want any children at all. Don’t impose your will on him and think that he will change his mind later. As a couple’s therapist, I have observed how this has led to divorce. If there are things he has told you are absolutely non-negotiable, you need to respect that. Respect his limits like you want him to respect yours.

An example might be a situation in which he wants an open relationship and you don’t. If he is telling you this from the beginning, don’t think his want for an open relationship will just go away. He is being honest with you and you need to be honest with yourself about being able to follow through on what he is asking for in the relationship. You would hope that he would be honest with you about whether he can meet your needs in the relationship. Honesty from the get go will save you both a great deal of heartache.

Determine if he is flaky or indecisive.

If he is flaky and keeps changing his mind, this is another issue all together. If he is flaky, you have to determine if this is an aspect of his personality that you will be able to tolerate if the relationship becomes more serious. If he is flaky now and it gets on your nerves, it will only get worse as the relationship progresses.

If he is indecisive and doesn’t know what he wants, give him some space. Evaluate your relationship needs and determine if he is worth the wait. Talk to him about what you want and ask him for a deadline. If you tell him you are going to give him some space, do it. Don’t say you are going to give him some space and then pressure him to make a decision before the deadline is up.

Should you wait for him?

If he can’t commit and make a decision or he keeps flip flopping back and forth, you might want to move on. Remember that you have something to offer someone. You don’t have to settle and wait for someone who is not ready to appreciate what you can bring to a relationship. Evaluate if you are fixated on him because you think he is the one and imagine he is more of a catch than he really is.

Waiting for someone can be worth it under the right circumstances. At the same time, don’t be his stand by and go to girl if the other woman doesn’t work out for him. Determine the reason behind his inability to make a decision about what he wants. Is he playing the field or waiting for someone else to come along he thinks might be better? If this is the case, move on. Don’t waste your time on someone who does not value you.

Be direct

Don’t beat around the bush and tip toe around him. Let him know how you feel and be direct about what you want and need in the relationship. Ask him what he wants from the relationship and if he feels the same way about it as you do. Talk it out and make sure you are both going in the same direction and want the same things from the relationship. Be honest and ask for honesty from him. Don’t sugarcoat his behavior and ignore the red flags.

He might be a great guy, but the timing is bad.

Don’t put your life on hold for a “what if” with this guy. If you have waited patiently and the deadline you put in place has passed, don’t keep pushing the deadline back. Hold him and yourself accountable. Don’t give him mixed messages by waiting around after you told him you are going to move on because he doesn’t know what he wants. This defeats the purpose of setting a deadline and gives him control of your timeline.

Stay in your integrity and say what you mean and mean what you say.

Talk to a therapist and work on your self-esteem. Work on trusting your own judgment. Be strong and learn to walk away when it is time. Sometimes knowing when to call it a day is a win. Remember, the more time you spend on someone who does not know what he wants, the more time you waste finding the one that does.

Ileana Hinojosa, MLA, LMFT – www.themindfullife.net

# Follow the 3 tips below
Jacklyn B

Some people seem to always know what they want, while others like to go with the flow and then there are those who are indecisive and have difficulty with figuring out what they truly want.

Usually, as a woman you tend to be more sure of the things you want for yourself, especially when it comes to relationships. Society teaches women to be relationship oriented, while teaching men to play the field. This may be a big factor in why men do not want to commit in their 20's and sometimes even in their 30's. Women are usually more ready to commit at a younger age, then men are ready to.

So if you are ready for commitment but the guy you are dating is telling you that he does not know what he wants, here are some things you can do:

1. Talk to him - be brave and simply sit him down and have a serious conversation.

Be honest with him and in turn you will be honest with yourself. Tell him what you want. EXACTLY what you want from him. This does not guarantee that he will be willing to give you what you want, but it will help you to not waste your time with someone who is not on the same page as you are. Or this can go in the opposite direction.

He might get scared of losing you and realize that he needs to think fast and figure things out for himself. He might realize that he does not want to commit just yet and hopefully he will be honest with you about that. Or he might realize that he wants to give commitment a try.

Either way, communicating lets you know what is on his mind much faster than sitting around and waiting for him to make a decision. He needs to be mindful and considerate of your time and not assume that you are okay with things as they currently are. Talking to him will help with speeding up his decision making process. 

2. So let's say you spoke to him and he told you he still does not know what he wants and he needs more time.

What do you do? Well, you need to make a decision. Either you are going to let him control the direction of this relationship or you are going to take control. Unfortunately, the only direction you can take your relationship with him is towards the heartbreak hotel, only because you simply cannot force someone to commit if they do not want to. But breaking up does not have to be a tragedy because it opens up new doors with new opportunities to create a new healthy relationship with a new man. You cannot meet the right man, while you are wasting your time with a man who is wrong for you. 

3. You can decide to wait for him to make his decision about you.

That is your right and your choice. If he tells you he does not know what he wants and you are willing to wait for him, you have to be realistic. Usually, when a man says he does not know what he wants, he either knows for sure that he does not want commitment or he has been burned in the past and is terrified of committing to someone new because he fears getting burned again. Either way, he isn't ready to give you his whole heart. There is the off chance, that if you wait long enough, he will eventually recognize that he has a good thing going with you and will change his mind and want to commit to you. 

I'm going to be blunt with you. Unfortunately, usually when a man tells you that he does not know what he wants, he mostly likely will not be ready for commitment anytime soon. The future with such a man is bleak. A lot of times, women make the mistake of thinking that they can change a man or make him fall in love with them. You have to know your own self worth. If you are dating a man, who straight out tells you he is confused about the relationship he has with you, do yourself a favor and move on. Move onto someone who can appreciate you and value you for the wonderful person that you are. 

Jacklyn Bystritsky, LCSW – www.psychotherapistjackie.wordpress.com

# Give him time and space to figure out what he truly wants while you continue to live your life
Lisa Angelini

If a man is saying he doesn’t know what he wants in a relationship, what he is most likely saying is that he unsure if he wants to be having a relationship with you.

I know it sounds harsh, but most men will try to avoid hurting a woman and therefore avoid by being direct and stating the truth. They will do anything to avoid it in most cases.

The situation may be playing out in a couple of ways.

Perhaps you see each other enough but there is no commitment or taking things to the next level. On the other hand, he may have become aloof, avoidant, ambivalent and less attentive. He may be even cancelling plans.  He’s in, then he’s out. Now and then there may be a patch of time where he is more attentive, you think things are turning around and then he is back to the same behavior.

If he is unsure, do not try to convince him about why he should be sure.  

Give him time and space to figure out what he truly wants while you continue to live your life. When he is sure about you, you can decide whether you would like to give it another try.  There is a chance that he might decide that he does not want to be in the relationship. This may be painful, but you will get over it and then be free to pursue other options rather than spend years with someone who is ambivalent towards you.

Above all else do not change your behavior to suit his needs or spend hours trying to decipher his behavior. There is nothing wrong with you and you did nothing wrong. You are just dating someone who is not able to commit and who does not have the skills or emotional intelligence to communicate effectively.

You are far too special to wait around for someone to decide if they want to be with you.

You deserve to be respected, cherished and loved. That love can start right now with you. Learn to love yourself enough where this kind of behavior is so unacceptable to you that you pack up and move on. Focus on you and engage in esteeming acts, things that make you feel good about yourself. Socialize with friends, engage in hobbies and activities that bring you joy. Live life.

Lisa Angelini, MAPC, LPC - www.lisaangelini.com

# Follow the 5 suggestions below

Many men are confused.   When a guy says, “I don’t know what I want, “ it could mean a number of things. 

Here are a few suggestions:

1. He’s emotionally unavailable and is not sure he’s ready for a steady relationship.  

He may enjoy spending time with you, but in terms of a future, he’s not committing.  If you are OK with this, you can continue seeing him, but if your goal is long-term and even marriage, he’s not for you.

2. He may want to break up with you; this is his gentle way of letting you down.  He could be afraid of hurting your feelings, so it becomes your decision to keep seeing him or not.

3. You’re probably not what he’s looking for, because if he was enthralled with you, you’d be what he wants.

4. He’s throwing you crumbs – to keep you around.  

He’ll text you to hang out and then you don’t hear from him for days.  This push-pull dynamic does not generate a trusting relationship or a healthy one. You decide if you want that.

5. He could be envisioning a relationship different than what you want – maybe one that’s more casual and open.  

Be sure you are not just a booty call or a friend with benefits – unless that’s what you want, too.

When a guy says he doesn’t know what he wants, you may need to tell him that you KNOW what you want and it’s not someone who’s confused.   Naturally, you want a guy who knows when he’s found a great woman, like you, and is smart enough to treat you with the respect and dignity you deserve.

Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com

# It’s really more important for you to know what you want

It’s hard enough to have a relationship let alone with a guy doesn’t know what he wants

What a roller coaster ride that would be!  I’m not saying he has to know every single thing he wants but he at least needs to know if he is interested in a relationship, even if it’s casual. 

Most importantly it’s really more important for you to know what you want.  You can’t know if he’s right for you if you don’t know what you’re looking for.

Certainly it can take a little while for both of you to know if you are a good fit.  But that’s not the same thing as being ambivalent about being in a relationship at all. Going hot and cold on someone is really unfair.  It’s a painful process.  The hopes go up only to come crashing down and then possibly to go up again.  That’s really crazy-making!

Could someone else tell you whether or not you want a relationship?  I don’t think so. Figuring out what you want is an internal process, based on an examination of your own history and your own goals for yourself.  When you figure it out you are able to evaluate a potential partner because you know your own criteria.

There’s nothing wrong with someone who doesn’t know what he wants.

We probably all go through periods like that.  It’s better to admit to yourself that you don’t know, than to pretend to yourself or even worse to somebody else that you do know.  When you don’t know, the relationship you have needs to be an introspective one with yourself so that when you meet someone you are able to honestly make some kind of commitment.

So how to deal with that guy who doesn’t know what he wants?  Wish him luck and send him on his way.

Sally LeBoy, MFT – www.sallyleboymft.com

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