How To Get Over the Fear of Never Finding Love – 10 Expert-Approved Tips on Overcoming Your Fear of Never Finding the ‘One’
“A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.”
~ Mandy Hale
As I’m sure you are already tired of hearing that the right person will come along when you least expect it, truth is, that leaves a lot up to fate and I believe that we are in control of our future at least in terms of the choices we make that set events in motion.
In other words, if you want something go out and get it.
Don’t settle, don’t accept anyone over no one, and make sure you know what it is that you need before you invest in this process.
One of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships is seeking others approval without requiring that they earn ours.
We often bend over backwards trying to make ourselves into what we think they want. This is bound to fail eventually as it requires too much effort, mind reading, and intimacy requires emotional vulnerability which is essentially absent when we lose ourselves trying to be something we are not.
Women in general are often taught to be people pleasers and will sacrifice ourselves in the effort of finding love.
We have been taught this fairy tale that often ends at happily ever after and never mentions how Cinderella is resentful that she has to clean up after prince charming for the next 30 years. We set the expectations that others have of us so if we set the expectation early in the relationship that we are willing to sacrifice ourselves to be what we think they want, guess what they will expect.
We can expect to be bitter and resentful at some point if we don’t go into this with our eyes open and our expectations clear. To summarize, make sure you know what you want, don’t sacrifice any part of yourself when seeking it, and get out there and find it- don’t settle until you do.
Another thing you are probably tired of hearing; “you must love yourself before anyone else will love you”.
We all have struggled with self- love at one point or another. Perhaps we have confused self-love with self-indulgence or self-care, the latter of which is a very important component of self-love. The type of love I am going to talk about here is the unconditional love and acceptance that we all should have received from our family or origin or primary caregivers in early childhood.
The work of therapy as anyone who has been through it can attest to often focuses on healing old wounds related to having this need gone unmet. If that is the case I would suggest that one invest in themselves and learn how to grieve this initial loss so that one can become capable of self- love. It really is true that others will always treat us as we treat ourselves. We subconsciously set these expectations in others and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We get what we expect in this instance.
Unconditional love and acceptance means that you accept yourself flaws and all.
This doesn’t mean that you like everything about yourself, we are all works in progress, but you are actively aware of those things you don’t like and are working on improving them. One would never say to a friend (or sometimes even a worst enemy) “that outfit makes you look disgusting!” but we say things like this to ourselves on a regular basis.
If we care about ourselves we might say “I have been working really hard at looking good in this and it’s not where I would like it to be but it’s better than it was and likely will continue to get better.” One of these is incapable of continued change whereas the latter creates an internal environment that is supportive and capable of improvement.
Pay attention to what you say to you, it matters more than it seems.
That coach who tells you that you are worthless and bound to fail will in essence make sure that happens. Be the coach for you that tells you that you can succeed and you’ve got this!
If we love ourselves than we never hate being alone because we are in good company. We don’t need the other person to feel complete because we already are without them. Then, when we encounter the right person we will be ready for them.
Kate Kelly, MSW, LCSW – www.willowcreekwellness.com
One of my dear friends is always quick to remind our circle of girlfriends “being single won’t kill you and being married won’t heal you.” It was said to encourage our single friends who worried about never finding that special someone.
The more I think about it, the more I realize it really is a powerful statement.
Unfortunately, there are so many women who have insecurities around being single. Some feel as though they are never going to find love and I imagine those thoughts aren’t very productive and can actually show up in how those women appear to others. Our thoughts always show up in our behaviors. So if someone wants to attract love they will first have to stop thinking they can’t.
I’m sure we’ve all seen the quote “positive vibes only”. Well that type of thinking changes things. There is some self-talk we do that has to change. Try these:
Instead of saying “I will never find love” say “I am love and love will find me.” Instead of saying “There are no good men left” say “There is someone special out there, who is just for me.” In addition to changing the self-talk one must also believe that those things are possible.
A fear of never finding love can show up in a variety of ways. When it does, here are a few suggestions:
See yourself for who you are. Love on you and always treat yourself kind. Pay attention to the parts of you that others will fall in love with too. But be honest about the areas that need some improvements as well. Sometimes it’s harder to attract someone when we haven’t loved ourselves first. Wear your confidence and self-love so well that others see it and become drawn to you.
If you don’t like it, be proactive.
If you are over being single and dealing with that thinking of never finding someone, do something about it. Ask friends (those who know you and love you only) to introduce you to someone. Be bold and make the first move. It’s a new day and traditional dating methods no longer apply. Go out. In order to meet people, you have to be where people are.
Redesign your thoughts on love and relationships and your ideal mate.
Having lists for the perfect partner will have you at a standstill. While you’re looking for the perfect match for your list, you might miss out on the perfect partner for you. Let love happen. You don’t have to orchestrate it, just let it kind of flow. Have conversations, get to know people. Say “yes” to coffee to that guy who may be missing one or two things off that “list” and go for it.
You will find love. In fact, love will find you when you are truly open and ready to receive.
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, Certified Relationship Coach – www.thelifeandlovecoach.com
The fear of not finding love can be overwhelming and frankly scary.
From a young age women are fed this idea of love portrayed in Disney movies and fairytales.
Then, as time goes on, the pressure-filled comments and questions such as:
“When are you going to get married?” “Are you dating anyone?” “Do you want children?” “You know your clock is ticking.” can enhance the stress a woman feels to find “the one.”
If what you are being told in these movies, books, and by Aunt Kathy at every family function is starting to get under your skin consider the below:
1. Love yourself and love will come.
Although it sounds cliché, happiness should come from within you. Yes, quality relationships can enhance our happiness, but they should not be our only source of happiness. Do you love you? Are you confident with who you are and what you offer?
If the answer is “yes” that is great. If your answer is “not quite,” then this might be your chance to explore why and how you can love yourself a little more. The happier and more content you are with yourself the greater the possibility that you’ll attract a partner, because happy, confident people attract other happy, confident people.
2. Love doesn’t cure all.
In the same grain as pointer #1, if you’re unhappy now, you’ll be unhappy in a relationship. If you hate your job, suffer from anxiety, or have many personal goals that you thought you would have accomplished by this point in your life, those issues will still be there whether you’re in a relationship or not.
Love, new love in particular, can have a euphoric effect that can temporarily quiet those concerns or negative feelings, which is a part of love’s beauty. However, if you do not take the time to work on them and better your personal happiness now, then all those concerns, worries, and things that are affecting you now will have a strong possibility of rearing their not so lovely head later on.
Take this time as a single person to focus on what you can fix and improve on. That way you will feel all the more prepared and ready when Prince Charming does make his debut in your life.
3. Beware of social media.
Social media allows us to overly compare our lives to the lives of others. Just because a couple appears happy on all their social media posts, does not mean that they are actually happy. People tend to only showcase their best self and their partner’s best self on social media, not the fight they had for the past three nights. Just because someone looks happy on social media, do not mean that they are actually happy with themselves or their relationship.
Take this into consideration when thinking, “I wish I had a relationship like Courtney.” Courtney’s profile is only telling part of the story. Additionally, social media is full of relationship statuses, engagement pictures, timelines, and other methods that can cause us to measure our relationship progress or lack thereof against other people.
Try not to. There is NOTHING wrong with the pace you are moving at on the relationship spectrum, so try avoiding social media or other people that make you question otherwise. Your journey is your journey, and all will come in due time.
4. Finding love sometimes requires a strategy.
So now you’re happy with yourself and feel fulfilled as an individual, and feel truly ready for a real deal relationship…now what? Try meeting someone romantically in places that would increase your likelihood of finding someone with shared hobbies, interests, and/or values.
Yes, you can meet someone at a bar that rocks your world, but the probability of it being long-term is significantly less due to the high possibility of not being like-minded or having much in common long-term.
Also, meeting someone at one of your pastimes like soul cycle, book club, a Springsteen concert will all have a better chance of easier, more natural conversation than the fishing expedition that can happen when trying to get to know someone at a bar
5. Lastly, BE YOU!
You’re amazing, and the right “one” will think so too!
Miriah Tomich MA, MFT – www.therapywithbrynn.com
If you have this fear, you are definitely, part of the human race.
Seriously…..we all have this fear.
This is more of a self judgement then an actual fear though.
What have you done that you think you don’t deserve love? I doubt you have any real answers to that, since most likely you haven’t done anything. This goes to your sense of self. If you ever have any doubts of if you deserve it, ask someone that is close to you. Ask them to be honest.
Another thing you should look at too is there is love all around you.
It is shown in the “thank you” when you hold a door for someone, someone letting you go first in line, someone saying, “Good morning”, someone leaving a tip, someone admiring your dog, someone giving a compliment and so on. There are so many ways that people show us love every day. Many times, we do not see it as love, but why not.
So, are you only looking for “in love” meaning, are you discounting the love the world is showing you and If you are, then how do you expect to find something you are ignoring?
People are not required to have manners or be nice or cordial. They do so because of who they are. Even if they are being manipulative, so what, if you are practicing good boundaries then their plan does not work, and you have a nice moment. You win, they don’t. Oh yeah….
So, don’t sell yourself short, look up and not down and realize you really are worth loving. Then you will be able to find all kinds of love.
Katherine Woodworth, LPC, CRC – www.fairwaycounseling.com
I counsel a lot of females who seem to obsess or worry about finding lasting love.
These women range from mid-twenties to late thirties. Many are very restless about their relationships with more than half feeling like they do not know if their relationship is the right one or they are in constant worry about how their relationship will go down.
I am sure a few of you know might be or know women who worry about their relationships so much that they lull themselves into falsely believing if it is too good it will not last?
Irrational thoughts flood the mind, constant worry of being cheated on, and is he dating other women?
Some worry so much about their partner being “the one” that it causes further anxiety and fear. For some women, their relationships can be the greatest feeling and for others, worry sets in because the relationships are going “too well” that it is almost a self-sabotage that is difficult to run from.
What do I mean by self-sabotage?
Well take a thirty-something woman who isn’t married yet and finds a great man to fill their time. Most women in this situation may rush the relationship. Things can start to go south really quickly. It is easy to have these thoughts and feelings when we may not have had the best experience with relationships. It is also easy to have these thoughts when we obsessively worry about finding love.
If you are a woman who uses what I like to call “all or nothing thinking” that causes excessive worry in their relationship, it is time to change this so you have the healthy, loving relationships you deserve.
Stop putting your relationship in suitcases with labels.
Constant worry about cheating, dating other women or self-sabotage only causes you to miss out on engaging and meaningful love that is at your door step.
Enjoying the experience of the relationship rather than worrying about not having the experience allows you to live for the moment and become stress and worry-free. Taking that pressure off of worrying about the “what ifs” allows you to just be and travel through that adventure of a relationship you deserve to have.
Re-directing your focus on the “here and now” in relationships allows one to experience the best in their in that particular moment and time.
I tell my clients you can choose to manifest a good relationship or you manifest a not so good relationship. The key word is choice.
Here are some steps to follow to help change your irrational thinking about your relationships so you develop healthy, lasting relationships.
1. Write down your irrational thoughts
2. Ask yourself is there any truth to these thoughts
3. Change your thinking from negative to positive, example:
Negative- “I think he is cheating on me”.
Positive- “He has never once given me any indication he has time for others”.
4. Notice how you feel and how you just changed your feelings which influence your behavior!
Danelle Hollenbeck, M.S., LMHC – www.empathycounseling.com
I understand the fear all too well.
Actually, I wasn’t so much connecting with the fear as I was numbing myself from the reality that “the one” was nowhere in sight. Without realizing it, I slowly closed myself off. It was easier to shut down that part of my humanness than to actually connect with, and admit to, the fear.
No one on any of the online dating sites or apps appeared interesting. Or if they did, they had no interest in me.
What I really wanted was to meet someone the old-fashioned way.
I would put myself in social situations (like trivia nights), to create opportunities and feel the illusion of connection. But I always went home more depressed than I had started the night.
Why was it so easy for other people to find connection? Was something wrong with me?
I needed to shift things. I didn’t know what the problem was exactly, but I knew I had to take action.
I had to start peeling back the layers, identifying my blockages, and reconnecting with my truth – the belief that the universe really does provide in due time. I had to get real with myself about the behaviors I’d developed to protect or numb myself from the fear that he just wasn’t out there.
Both times I found myself in this rut, I signed up for a live workshop in my area that helped me connect with my body and open the chakras I had shut down. At the time I was new to some of those concepts, but the results were profound. Not only did my entire energetic system shift, I was so clearly experiencing a response from everyone I encountered.
In the end, it was these tips and practices that ultimately helped me release the fear of never finding love:
1. Sit with the fear.
Truly feel it. You can learn a lot from it. What does it feel like? What does it bring up for you?
Now feel into the following: What does love feel like?
Visualize your dream relationship and FEEL into your future. What will it provide for you? Are there things you can provide for yourself now? Take the time to be loving and nurturing with yourself.
2. Be brutally honest with yourself!
Get real about your limiting beliefs – then RELEASE them. We hold limiting beliefs deep within our psyche, often unknowingly. When I was ready – like really ready to be honest with myself, I got real about what was holding me back.
For one, I felt like there were no good guys. How was that helping me? It wasn’t! I was closing myself off. I had to release that belief in order to open myself more fully (to the potential of meeting “the one”).
3. Find ways to SHIFT your energy.
Dance, walk, workout, move. Be in nature. Be in your body.
Root into yourself so deeply and beautifully that you radiate when you’re in public. The more aligned you are, the more you’ll shine and attract what you desire.
Find practices that help you open your heart, heal your womb space, connect your heart with your womb, and open even more.
Get out there and connect with people!! Open as many doors as you can – INVITE in the opportunity for MAGIC!!!
You can get access to powerful practices and tips for opening and awakening that will help you release fears by attending our free Rewilding, Healing and Awakening workshop.
Kelly Hart, Certified Reflexologist and Empowerment Coach – www.rewildingforwomen.com
It can be very difficult when you are single to remain hopeful that you will find the love that you are looking for.
To help manage the fear of being single, it is important to be mindful.
Being mindful means living in the present. Rather than allowing your focus to be on the fear of “what if I am single forever,” focus on the here and now and how make your life satisfying.
Here’s how you can do that
Make a list of what you like about being single.
There are positives and negatives to both being single and being in a relationship. Find what you enjoy about being single and write it down. Maybe you like the freedom and independence? Maybe you enjoy having your own space and time for yourself? Read your list each day and take time to appreciate the benefits of not being in a relationship. Choose to focus on the positive rather than the negative.
Make time for enjoyable activities.
It can be so easy to wallow in the difficult feelings around looking for love. Too often, I see people put their lives on hold, waiting to no longer be single. Don’t let yourself fall into that trap! Do the things you enjoy, find fun adventures to go on. When you are in a relationship, there is less time for you. Use this time being single to do all the things you want to be doing and have fun.
Don’t idealize other people in relationships.
Like I mentioned before, there are positives and negatives to being single and being in a relationship.
Being in a relationship doesn’t solve all problems and automatically lead to happiness. It is so easy to forget that and look at other people in relationships and be completely envious. Try and stay aware from these comparisons.
Limit scrolling through your social media news feeds.
This connect to idealizing other people in relationships. It can be triggering to look through your news feed and be faced with all these pictures of couples. Don’t allow yourself to get sucked into that.
You don’t need a partner to be happy. While you are on your journey to finding love, create your own happiness. Use the above tips to help live in the now in a way that is filled with happiness and enjoyment.
Alyssa Mairanz, LMHC – www.alyssamairanztherapy.com
Do you have a fear of ‘never finding the oxygen to breathe’ or the fear of ‘there being no sunlight tomorrow’ or the fear of ‘no food on the table’?
While I can understand that some people do have the very real fear of not knowing where there next meal will be, for the most part many of us do not worry if the sun will rise or we’ll have oxygen to breathe.
And please take it from me, there is absolutely no reason at all that you won’t find love. Love is all around you. You are made of love.
Love truly is the source and substance of life.
And so to have the fear that you’ll never ‘find’ something that already exists really is quite silly.
But having the faith that your one true love is out there takes practice. It’s one part blind faith and one part action on your belief that he really is out there.
“But Emyrald, I hear what you’re saying, but life has shown me something different than what you preach.”
I hear you.
But you always have the choice of where you put your awareness.
“Where attention goes, energy flows,” as the common expression goes.
And so you have the option in every single moment to focus upon:
1. What you want (love)
2. What you don’t want (lack of love)
And as a result you become a magnet for more of what you focus upon. So ask yourself in any given moment what you’re focusing upon. What you want or what you don’t want.
Simple law of attraction at work here.
In addition to being super duper conscious of where you put your attention, I’d always encourage you to look for examples of the type of relationship that you want and to remind yourself on a daily basis that it IS possible for you.
No, you are NOT the only person on the planet who love was not made for. You ARE love. It’s not being held from you.
Instead, you’ve just got to learn how to remove those pesky blocks that you’ve built up around you to love.
You can do it!
Emyrald Sinclaire, Love and Relationship Coach – www.EmyraldSinclaire.com
Stay in the moment
It is important to stay in the present. Don’t get ahead of yourself. You may have plans for the relationship but is it congruent with what he wants from the relationship?
Try and enjoy the moment and be present for him and with him right now. There is nothing wrong with wanting more from him or taking the next step in the relationship.
Be mindful that you are not so overly concerned about the future that you miss enjoying the time you spend with him now. Don’t force the relationship and try to let it develop naturally. You don’t want to scare him off by moving too fast.
We don’t know what we don’t know.
The truth is you don’t know if he is dating someone else or cheating. The trust you develop with each other over time is earned. He can say you are the only one he is dating and he could be lying.
Start slow and pay attention to the red flags. Don’t sugarcoat emerging issues or problems and think that you can just wish them away. Pay attention to his behavior as much as you pay attention to what he says. Listen to what he telling you and give him time to talk and express himself. Hear him out.
Don’t censor what he is saying by being overly emotional or reactive. If you want the truth, be ready to hear things you might not like. Don’t bash him or judge him if his values are not congruent with yours. You want honesty from him so give him the space to be honest.
Where does your fear come from?
If you go into the relationship looking for problems and waiting for the other shoe to drop, you need to check your attitude. Where are these thoughts coming from? What is you relationship history and how is it affecting you in the present?
Of course you are invested in the relationship. The issue is whether he is as invested as you are. Give it time. Don’t impose your will on him or you could lose him. Time will tell if he is the one.
Remember not to compromise your integrity by bending your boundaries because you are afraid of losing him. Be careful not to try and fit a square peg into a round hole. You cannot force a fit if is just isn’t there.
If you live in constant fear that you will lose him, then you are making decisions from a fear based perspective. Living in constant fear is not living.
What are your decisions based on?
As a marriage therapist, I have seen people make decisions based on what they think they should be doing rather than what is good for them. Having a man in your life does not define you as a person. Take time to find yourself and get to know yourself.
Don’t be in a hurry to find someone or invest too much time in someone that is not really worthy of being your partner. So you are the only single one in your group of friends. That does not mean you are unlovable. Learn to love yourself and develop your confidence so that you can attract someone that is your true match.
Enjoy the ride
If you are the type of person that needs to control everything, take a step back and reflect. You cannot control someone else’s life or desire. Learn to be more relaxed and enjoy the things that are unpredictable. Let go and enjoy life as much as you can. Life does not have to happen in a particular order. Life just happens and it is not necessarily running on our schedule.
If letting go is an issue for you, explore this in therapy. What is your fear of letting go? What keeps you from trusting that your life is where it needs to be? Take care of yourself and learn to value what you bring to a relationship. You are the one driving so pause for a moment.
In the famous words of Vicente Fernandez, “No hay que llegar primero, pero hay que saber llegar.” It’s not about getting there first, just get there. Remember you will get there when you can, even if you decide to go the scenic route.
Ileana Hinojosa, MLA, LMFT – www.themindfullife.net
Getting over the fear of never finding love can seem like an overwhelming task.
Human nature is to love and be loved. The thing that drives us is connection, and when we don’t feel connected with others around us and we don’t feel loved or part of a pair we can find ourselves feeling lost, sad, and alone.
This process is real and valid, and one of our biggest mistakes is saying we “should” be fine on our own and we “shouldn’t” need anyone else to make us feel happy. Again, it is human nature to want to be a part of something and connected with another individual.
So how do you get over the fear of never finding love when this much is true?
The answer is not black and white. Below are short little excerpts of things you can look at to help you overcome the fear of never finding love.
Why are you looking for love? Understanding ourselves and our desires can be some of the quickest ways to overcome fear. Knowledge is power. What are the fears around not finding love?
Sometimes this can stem from fear of missing out. Sometimes this is about loneliness. Sometimes this is about comparison of what your life should look like. Sometimes it is about pressure from your family.
Naming the thing that drives fear gives us the ability to change or empowers us to choose something different.
Stay away from comparison. Comparison is one sure way that we can convince ourselves that we will never find love. When we begin looking at other peoples’ lives we see how far away our lives are from theirs. That is the truth and the reason behind that is because our life is not their life. We will never walk an identical story as someone else, and to put that kind of pressure on ourselves only pushes us further back than where we want to be.
Start manifesting what you want your life to look like based off who you are and what you want, not what others expect. This has to be your own or manifesting will only create anxiety rather than peace in trusting that love will come at your ideal time in your own story.
Finding connection with others
When it comes to fear, it can only truly survive in silence and isolation. When it comes to connection we start to build confidence, understand ourselves at a deeper level, push ourselves out of our comfort zone to find something different, and create openings for moments of authenticity and vulnerability. All things we need when we are searching for love, and all ways that we can find comfort in knowing that love still exists even though it isn’t right in front of us.
Connection with self
Connection within your own self is one of the most important parts of this process because if we are not connected with who we are, what we want, why it is important, and how we want to get there nothing will fall into place. We must first know ourselves and connect with what we want, what love looks like, and how we imagine that looking in our life.
If we get too far ahead of ourselves, we will find ourselves rushing into the wrong kind of love, meeting people who are not healthy for us, people who treat us poorly, and people who don’t align with our morals and values.
The last piece is about TRUST. This is a two-way street of trusting yourself and trusting the process. Many times we control situations because we do not want to trust the outcome or how the person is going to react. Control is not a healthy way of finding love. That is the reality of the situation.
When we trust and allow things to flow naturally inside and outside of us there is a level of peace that comes with not having to worry about whether or not love will find us.
Once we connect with ourselves and learn about ourselves and our fears, we can begin to build trust and confidence in ourselves to handle any situation that might come our way.
We can trust ourselves to find the right guy and not cling to the wrong one for fear that another might not come along, plus we learn to trust that everything that happens today sets us up for success in what may happen tomorrow.
Everything is a learning lesson and that is about trusting the process. When we start to apply that concept to all areas of life we begin to build gratitude for every experience rather than frustration for not feeling like you are where you want or need to be.
If you are able to begin to believe and live out the areas listed above the fear of not finding love with slowly begin to present itself in a different manner.
You may begin to feel more confident walking into different scenarios and trusting yourself and the things around you more may bring a peace of mind in some of the unknown situations you may face. You may begin to see this transformation from fear of never finding love to freedom in knowing your destination is attached to a beautiful journey.
Rebecca Frank, MA, LPCC, NCC – www.courage2connect.com
You may not, except with express written permission, distribute or commercially exploit the content. Nor may you transmit it or store it in any other website or other form of electronic retrieval system.