November 17, 2017

25+ Experts Reveal How To Overcome Feeling Insecure in a Relationship + How To Fix it

How To Overcome Feeling Insecure in a Relationship

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."

~ Brené Brown

# First define what insecurity means to you
Stacey M. Baker

I would ask you to start by defining what insecurity means to you.

We all have insecurities about different areas of ourselves as well as our relationship. Determine in what areas you are most insecure. Is it your physical appearance, your intelligence, your partners’ fidelity, your sexual performance?

​Once we have identified our own insecurities, we need to evaluate where they came from and why we feel this way.

A lot of the work needs to be done within ourselves. While we can ask our partner to support us in decreasing insecurities, the majority of the change needs to occur within our own heart and mind. This requires personal exploration of past relationships, our own self-esteem, and our own expectations of self. Depending on the number and extent of the insecurities you identify, you may want to consider seeking individual counseling.

Next, I would like you to ask yourself how your current partner impacts your insecurities.

Take a moment to consider whether or not your current partner is aware of each insecurity that you identified. For example, are these things that you have directly spoken to your partner about. If your partner is aware of the insecurity, ask yourself if they are behaving in a way that helps or hurts you. Do they make direct comments or behave in a way that impacts this insecurity? 

If you partner is not aware of your insecurity, ask yourself why you have not felt able to discuss it with them. Are you concerned that they would use it against you, or do you think they would support you?

Finally, I would you like you to consider what your partner could do in order to help you.

Do you need more reassurance, more kind words, more time together?

A healthy relationship requires that both people are willing and able to make changes to better support and build one another up.

If you are not feeling good about yourself, it is within your power to work on your own self-worth and address your insecurities. However, if your partner is using your insecurities against you, is unwilling to support you in your own growth, or is unwilling to listen to your concerns, you need to reevaluate whether or not they are the right person for you.

Stacey M. Baker, Psy.D., LMHC -

# Follow the below 5 strategies

Is your insecurity ruining your chances of a loving relationship?

Do you feel like you have to hide your flaws or believe that you have to be someone different in order to be liked or loved? I see this happen all the time with women who are successful in their career but not their love life.

One of my clients used to tell me that she would date after she lost weight. The problem was that she never made an effort to exercise, and therefore didn’t lose weight. This kept her putting herself on the dating market. We discovered that keeping the weight allowed her to avoid the fear of rejection. I explained that even if she lost weight, she would still have to face this fear. We worked on dealing with the fear so that she could date with more confidence regardless of her current weight.

If you are struggling with your own relationship insecurity, try the following 5 strategies.

1. Do NOT engage in negative self-talk or criticize your body.

This only reinforces your insecurity. Notice what you like about yourself and your body. Highlight your positive attributes.

2. Be willing to take risks and manage fears of rejection.

3. Practice expressing your wants and needs in a calm and clear way.

Use simple phrases such as “I would love it if…” “I am the kind of person who needs”… or “I like men who”…

4. Surround yourself with positive people who love you unconditionally.

This will increase your confidence, and be a safe environment to share and manage your insecurities.

5. Change negative belief patterns.

Identify negative beliefs that fuel your insecurity such as “I’m not good enough”, “I’m not loveable”, “I am too fat”.

The reality is that EVERYONE has some insecurity.

The difference is how you manage it. In order to a loving and relationship, you first to develop a healthy self-image. A recent study found that a good relationship can fall apart if one of the partners has a poor self-image, while a good relationship can become GREAT if both partners have a healthy self-image. The fastest way I know to break free of insecurities is to stop feeding them.

Dr. Shannon Tran –

# Compassion and understanding are 2 powerful tools

Jealousy, anger, and resentment can all be staples of insecurity within relationships.

Healthy relationships are defined by mutual respect, trust, compassion and understanding. Women can overcome their feelings of insecurity by developing a commitment to create and maintain healthy bonds through the aforementioned characteristics.

Women who offer respect are in essence saying to their partners that respect is expected.

As a mental health clinician, I model respect to my clients as a way for them to effortlessly return the gesture. Within relationships, insecurity quickly evolves when women do not feel a foundation of respect. It is easier to see the cracks in the armor of the relationship when respect does not securely hold it together.

It is difficult to maintain trust when insecurity lurks within the shadows, so it is important that women possess a basic trust of their own worth within relationships. Oftentimes, we do not trust others because we do not trust ourselves. We do not trust in our own ability to be successful in relationships, so we resort to downplaying the potential for success.

Compassion and understanding are two of the most powerful tools against insecurity because they both challenge the notion that the relationship is not worth the effort.

When women feel insecure, they usually "give up." They may remain within the relationship, but they do not strive to build a healthy relationship because they are intimidated by the idea that the relationship can be successful. Compassion and understanding both work to eradicate that negative automatic thought by seeing the relationship with new eyes.

Insecurity is a personal problem that impacts the overall health of the relationship. Women can overcome this difficulty through offering and accepting respect, trusting, and extending compassion and understanding.

Dr. Kirsten Person-Ramey -

# Restore your self-esteem and self-worth

At some point, every woman has felt insecure in her relationship.

For years, my feelings of insecurity led me to guys that weren’t right for me, made me overlook red flag behaviors, stay in the wrong relationships too long, compare myself with others, and not ask for what I really wanted. Here’s the truth - underneath insecurity is the belief that we don’t think we’re worthy.

Insecurity goes away when we know our value.

It can’t co-exist with high self-esteem and self-worth. So start building your self-esteem and self-worth with these three practices.

1. Live your core values instead of being at the whim of what he wants.

Define your top 5 to 7 values and use those as measurements in your love life. Let’s say your values are happiness, freedom, trust, peace, love, and open communication. In your relationship, you’ll want those values to exist. For instance, when sticky situations come up, you’ll want to be communicating openly with your man and vice-versa.

If he shuts down and refuses to talk through those situations, then you have a choice to make. Are you willing to be in a relationship where you can't talk through things? Your answer should be “no” since open communication is your core value. The more you live your values, the more secure you’ll feel about yourself and love.

2. Express your true thoughts and feelings instead of being afraid to say what you really think and want.

Even if it feels uncomfortable, practice saying what you really mean. The more you’re able to open up, the more your man feels comfortable sharing his real thoughts and feelings. In this space is where deeper connection happens and your bond grows stronger.

3. Become your best self instead of comparing yourself against other women.

Do the work to let your inner beauty shine. This means looking at where you may still be holding onto the past in unhealthy ways, and where unsupportive beliefs about men, love, and relationships are keeping you from opening up completely. While you’re looking within, be kind and compassionate with yourself. When your inner beauty shines, you become your best self and there is no comparison because you know you’re a unique gem.

When you implement these practices, your relationship will improve or you’ll learn it’s best to part ways so you can be available for a man who is better suited for you. Whatever happens, you’ll be in a better place because you’ll feel secure, confident, and will no longer settle for less than you deserve.

Janet Ong Zimmerman, Founder of Love for Successful Women –

# Follow the 3 tips below

Whether or not you are single and on the dating scene, or you are in a committed, long-term relationship or marriage, you more than likely have some basic expectations of what a “stable” or “healthy” relationship should look like. In my experience, the most common sought after qualities that most people expect in a good relationship are trust, intimacy, communication, commitment, and love. However, underlying all of these, is often the need to feel safe and secure.

So how do you create security in your relationship? Here are three tips to get you started:

1. Create Freedom

I often hear couples express frustration that their partner will not “be a certain way” or “do a certain thing”, often blaming their partner for “making” them feel a certain way. When you create freedom from these expectations, you realize that you have the internal power to manage the way that you are showing up and the way that you are reacting to any given situation. Take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings and understand how to manage them.

2. Boundaries & Deal-Breakers

You influence how other people perceive you and treat you on a daily basis. Others will quickly perceive this and will act accordingly. It is important to be able to set boundaries, such as being treated respectfully, or spoken to politely. Some boundaries may be somewhat flexible, depending upon the circumstances, but others will be deal-breakers, for example not tolerating dishonesty. If more serious boundaries are being crossed, such as physical or emotional abuse, infidelity, or addictions, do not hesitate to seek professional assistance!

3. Be your Audaciously Authentic™ self!

One of the most important pieces to being secure in your relationship is to love yourself and be 100% who you are. When you are confident and self-assured, you are not only extremely attractive to others, but you also know that your security depends on you and that you are already complete, even if your relationship were to come to an end. A relationship is simply an added compliment to your life, but not the entire basis for your happiness, like fine wine to a meal.

Confidence is sexy! When you put these tips to work in your relationship, you will not only create a healthy and fulfilling relationship, but you will also become magnetic and irresistible!

Tanya Mundo, LCPC, PCC, NCC -

# Follow the 3 tips below

Post Trauma Insecurity

I am writing this on behalf of all those who have experienced ongoing trauma or abuse between the ages of 0-18. As a result of parenting that was neglectful, physically, sexually and verbally abusive, this is for you. And since 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 7 boys experience abuse from an adult before the age of 18, then there are many of you who may be reading this that I can help. One possible reason for feeling insecure in adult relationships comes from poor adult-child attachment in early childhood.

If your parent did not attune to your feelings, how can you as an adult attune to yourself or others?

If your parent neglected to meet your basic physical needs, you may have difficulty relying on others emotionally and even trusting others or even your own self. When we are abused early on, it can create a maladaptive response in relationships and a heightened sensitivity to every move our partner makes.

For example, your partner tells you that they want to go out to dinner with their friends. If your reaction is extreme, you may be responding to not the real event but to the events that happened when you were young. This all happens outside of your conscious awareness. It is almost a knee-jerk reaction.

What to do?

1. Experiencing trauma or abuse as a child can rewire your brain and sensory system causing more intensive and maladaptive responses in relationships.

Seeking help from a counselor can help you bring to the conscious awareness your pattern of reactions, tune you in to how you are feeling and help you build better responses in your relationships with others.

2. Find mindful activities.

Mindful activities such as yoga, meditation, and walking can slow down the mind and intensity happening around you and carve out time to go inward and slow down your racing mind and give time to reflect. When you slow down, you can tune in to how you feel before you respond to others.

3. Self-care.

Those who are abused can either neglect themselves or overly accommodate and care for others at the expense of themselves. Find small ways each day to nurture and care for yourself. Make a list of things you enjoy and start there.

These few steps can help you but especially seeking help from a counselor to address the deep-rooted issues from your childhood that play out every day in your adult life. Change takes time. Be loving, kind and patient with yourself. You deserve joy, love and happiness.

Julie Kurtz, LMFT –

# You have to first understand why your insecurity exists

If you struggle with feelings of insecurity within your relationship, you're not alone. There's hope. You no longer have to sit and suffer, feeling self-conscious or expecting to be hurt or disappointed by your partner. Those insecurities have got to go; there isn't any room for them in your relationship.

Here are a few suggestions for overcoming a couple of the most common ones before they ruin your relationship.

In order to overcome thinking you'll be hurt, you first have to understand why your insecurity exists.

Is it a result of your childhood? Have you come to believe something negative others have said about you? Or have you accepted that how others have treated you in the past is what you truly deserve? Those people who've mistreated you and told you lies are wrong. Know that you deserve happiness.

The insecurity that you aren't good enough has to also be replaced with positive thoughts and some self-love. We can't give ourselves to others fully without first loving ourselves appropriately.

A great place to begin that journey toward self-love is by writing down all the things that make you amazing.

Do you have a great personality? Are you fun to be around? Are you smart? Are you thoughtful and giving to others? Are you kind and considerate? All of these qualities make you a great partner. Who wouldn't want to be in a loving healthy relationship with you? Know that you're worthy of a love that honors all of those great qualities.

You can also start to believe that you've attracted a relationship that will add to your life. Trust that you deserve a partner who will not cheat on you or disrespect you.

Letting go of the past is next.

Remember, your current relationship isn't your last relationship. Just because you've been hurt before doesn't mean you'll be hurt again. Don't make your new partner responsible for the mistakes of the last partner. Enter your new relationship with positive expectations. Expect it to work out, expect your partner to be good to you. See yourself succeeding in this relationship and your thoughts and actions will begin to align with that vision.

Removing those insecurities isn't always an easy task, but recognizing them and loving yourself is always the best place to begin.

Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, Relationship Coach –

# Speak from your heart

Most of us feel insecure in relationship from time to time.

But for some, it’s a chronic condition that never subsides. Insecurity in a relationship prevents us from speaking our truth, being genuine and honest with our partner and ourselves, and expressing what we really need and want. When we don’t trust the relationship, we control and contract our heart, to protect us from what we fear. As a result, the relationship itself can never fully bloom.

When insecurity is present, we live and relate from fear, the fear of being rejected by our partner.

We remain convinced that we are not what our partner really wants and often spend our energy accumulating supporting evidence for our belief that we are going to be discarded. We can never really settle into the relationship and allow ourselves to be who we are; it doesn’t feel safe to let ourselves be truly seen.

First, it is important to examine the relationship realistically:

Are there things your partner is doing or saying that contribute to your insecurity, for example, putting you down or talking about other potential partners? These issues need to be addressed, openly, honestly, within the relationship. Naming the behavior and its impact, as in, “When you talk that way about me, it creates insecurity,” can not only be empowering, but also can engender unexpected change.

Rather than tolerating the hurtful behavior in the hopes that saying nothing will improve your chances of keeping the relationship, in fact, bringing the truth to the table, allowing yourself to not be okay with everything, will ultimately do more to calm your insecurity.

But often, the real cause of insecurity is not what our partner is doing or saying, although that can and does contribute.

The root of insecurity, usually, is a core belief that who we are is not good, not enough and not deserving. We are not born with this belief but rather learn it when we’re young, when someone we deeply care about, through words, behaviors, or other means, teaches us that we are, ultimately, not loveable.

Sadly, we can carry this belief in and out of relationships over a lifetime without ever addressing it, always living in fear that our unlovable-ness will be re-proven once again. We can spend our entire lives trying to get our relationships to contradict what we fundamentally believe, while often, paradoxically, choosing people who end up supporting our belief.

The early hurt, which sedimentized into a core belief, is what needs to be met in order for insecurity to truly ease.

Rather than running from our belief, we must, counterintuitively, turn towards it, that is, listen to, understand, welcome, and ultimately, come to love the part of ourselves that believes we are not loveable. By opening our heart to our own sense of unworthiness and all the suffering that our belief in it has caused, we inexplicably discover our fundamental worth, which when deeply known, sustains us both in and out of relationship.

Nancy Colier, LCSW, Author of 'The Power of Off' -

# Look inward

If you are feeling insecure in your relationship, this is a sign to look inward rather than outward.

If you are insecure, there is likely nothing your man can do to make you feel better. He may respond to requests to make you feel more secure and it might help for a while, but then the feeling will come back. Why? Because this is an internal problem, not an external problem.

First it is important to know that insecurities in current relationships are reflections of past relationships, especially attachments formed with caregivers in childhood.

Obviously as a therapist, I highly recommended getting yourself some therapy by someone who is well versed in attachment work. This would be the single most beneficial thing you can do for yourself.

You can also become more aware of your negative self talk. Not just the paranoia and worry about what your partner might be doing, but more about the negative talk about yourself, how you look, your achievements and abilities. Working to be aware and combat your negative self-talk can help improve how you feel about yourself and therefore how you feel in your relationship.

Know the vulnerability in a relationship will not go away.

Being in a relationship means being vulnerable. Period. The best thing you can do then is to increase your tolerance for vulnerability. This can be done by working on use of relaxation strategies such as deep breathing when you are feeling vulnerable as well as using self-compassion and positive self-talk. When you are being vulnerable and able to relax and be nice to yourself to get through it, you will become more resilient. The resilient person does not feel insecure in relationships, because they know they can handle the worst.

Stacey Steinmiller, LCSW –

# Evaluate what you are insecure about and where it comes from

Everyone is insecure to some degree. The key is to overcome your insecurity and not let it control you. You cannot change how he feels or what he thinks about you. So if you live your live behaving in a way that caters to what you think he wants from you, then you are cheating yourself. It is important to be honest with yourself about your insecurities and confront them head on. If you live in constant fear that your insecurity will come true, then you are giving it the power to actually manifest in your life.

Evaluate what you are insecure about and where it comes from.

Maybe your parents separated because of infidelity or you had a previous relationship in which he cheated. Not every person is the same and thus not every relationship will be the same. Be honest with him and identify ways that he can help support you around this issue. Be mindful of your insecurities and how they manifest in your behavior toward him. Talk it out with someone you trust and process what triggers your insecurity from start to finish. Talk to a therapist and ask for support around this issue.

Be mindful that you do not push him away with your insecurities.

Do not overwhelm him and accuse him of something that he is not doing. The other side of this issue is that it is not his job to validate you and your emotions. Again, everyone is insecure, but the key is to learn to internally validate and self regulate your emotions around this issue. It will wear him down if he constantly has to validate your feelings and tell you how attractive you are to him.

The best strategy to overcome your insecurities is to find the source and work on it.

Work on healing your heart, building your confidence and standing in your power no matter the situation and the rest will fall into place. Heal from your past hurts so that they don’t carry over into this relationship. Build your confidence and work on being the best version of yourself that you can be. Stand in your power and do not waiver in your knowledge that you are strong and can get through this.

Do not let your insecurities define who you are and take the joy out of your relationship.

Confront them head on and let go of those attitudes and beliefs that no longer serve you so that you can have a healthy and happy relationship in the present.

Ileana Hinojosa, MLA, LMFT –

# Insecurity comes from uncertainty

Insecurity comes from uncertainty, and women often feel insecure in their relationships because they are uncertain about where their partners stand in the love and dedication departments.

Uncertainty is the consequence of dishonesty.

Whether partners avoid talking about issues or outright lie to one another about how they really feel, they will always create insecurity in the relationship. Dishonesty is common.

One of the hardest things about being in a relationship is being honest. You might want to ask yourself how often you are really honest about what’s going on with you when you talk with your partner. Do you plainly state the truth or do you skirt around the issue in hopes of making things easier on yourself or your partner?

When we don’t directly say what we want or how we feel about something, we cheat ourselves and our partners out of security. Sure, the day may go by a bit smoother, but your relationship ultimately suffers.

If you had a raw and respectful honesty on both sides, how would your relationship change?

Instead of saying, “I have a headache so maybe we can have sex later,” say, “Yes, I know you want to be intimate right now, but I’m feeling pretty resentful because of what happened yesterday, and while I would rather just let it go, I think we should talk about it so it’s not a lingering problem in the future.”

Raw and respectful honesty is really difficult and uncomfortable at first, but it forces you and your partner to confront what’s really going on in your relationship day to day, week to week, year to year. And that’s the way you will both deeply connect and solve your problems together. In turn, you will both become super secure in your relationship with one another.

If you could have the most amazing relationship but you had to be uncomfortable in honesty and accepting feedback to get it, would you do it? What if it fixed everything – better sex, better connection, better sense of security, and on and on and on?

If you answered, “Yes!” then make that commitment with your partner today. The pay-off will be worth it.

Dr. Kat Peoples –

# Follow the 7 tips below

Feeling insecure is based on a false belief that I’m not good enough, and somehow others are. Once I realized I’m just as good as everybody else, I’m set free to be me and I’m secure with who I am whether alone or in relationship.

As I look back on my life, one word sums up how I felt for 4 decades: Insecure. Unsure. I kept second-guessing myself. Why? I valued what other people thought, said, and did more than me.

I got it from my parents, like some genetic disease, handed down from generation to generation.

Realizations over time, like lights shining on stepping stones, led me on the path to healing from fear: of rejection, abandonment, and what others might think, say or do.

My precious stepping stones:

1. Many other people are just as shy, intimidated, or afraid to approach me as I am them. Be first to reach out.

2. To be rejected, abandoned, or criticized by another is just as terrifying for them as for me. Be the one who chooses to accept, stick with, and compliment others. Once I stopped being afraid, I stopped being the rejecter, abandoner and criticizer.

3. I needed help to heal from my insecurities. I got help. If you don’t know how to get from point A to point B, buy the map, even if it is from a counselor who charges a lot of money for that map. It’s priceless.

4. I’m frustrated and powerless when I’m waiting on someone else to make the first move. Become the one who takes action, even if you make mistakes in the process. Fear of failure leads to failure. Making mistakes and trying again leads to success.

5. Learn to repeat back and include unexpressed emotions you sense before you voice your own thoughts. Communication is key. Take a class or go to a therapist who can teach you how to communicate and work through conflict more effectively. If we didn’t learn healthy communication from our parents; we need to learn it from somewhere.

6. Others are a reflection of you. If you like something about them, it reveals something likeable in you. If you are irritated, annoyed, or downright hate something about another person, guaranteed you have been, are, or will be at some point guilty of the same thing. Clean off the mirror and start working on the one person you can actually change. YOU. We walk in a world full of mirrors.

7. When your kid builds something from Legos, you never once think, “Look how that beautiful work of art magically came together when the tub got dumped out.” No. We look at our kid and marvel at the talent that sprung from that mini-me. Same is true about this world we live in. Someone made it. Get to know that Someone. They probably know a lot about how things actually work. Especially about relationships.

Charlene Benson, LPC, NCC -

# Follow the advice below

When a woman feels insecure in a relationship, she often turns to her partner seeking reassurance and validation.

A partner can never provide the sense of security you are seeking. Relationships are always uncertain. There are no guarantees that your partner will be dependable or faithful or with you for the rest of your life. The only way to feel secure in your relationship is to seek security and confidence within yourself.

Feeling safe and secure means that you know you can cope with whatever life throws your way.

You can’t control what your partner does or if this relationship ends, but you can control your response and your feelings. It’s hugely empowering to know that you can cope with the unexpected and messy parts of life. This doesn’t mean that you won’t be hurt or angry or heart broken. It just means that you have confidence in your ability to get through really tough situations and feelings.

Chances are you’ve already gotten through some pretty challenging things in your life. When I reflect on my own experiences, I’m in awe of some of the things I’ve overcome. I didn’t always do it with grace, but I did get through more pain than I imagined I could. I suspect the same is true for you.

Life experience shows us that we can get through a lot of adversity and uncertainty. You can not only survive, but thrive when you choose not to let these things keep you down or feeling like a victim. This is where confidence comes from. It doesn’t come from reassuring words or promises from your partner.

Sharon Martin, LCSW –

# Love comes from inside first

If you've ever felt afraid of losing a man's love - or even changed yourself in order to "earn" or keep his love - you may be chasing love or seeking security outside of yourself.

Deep down you may be thinking, "If I can win (or keep) this man's love, I'll finally feel lovable and secure, and everything in my life will be complete."

When you put the key to your happiness or sense of security in someone else's hands - if they don't do what you want, you can take that to mean that you're not worthwhile or lovable!

If you don't learn to get that love and security from inside yourself first, it will keep you chasing love on the outside that you think is going to heal you - but it never does.

The truth is, falling in love with yourself first is the only way to actually believe that someone else will really love you - and therefore the only way to TRULY feel secure in a relationship.

If you don't fall in love with yourself first, when someone tells you they love you, you won't believe them anyway!

In order to stop chasing love and security outside of yourself, you first need to realize that those things don't come from somewhere "out there" - they come from INSIDE yourself first - and then you'll naturally attract a man who makes you feel loved and secure.

Before I figured that out, I had men who wanted to love me but I never felt completely secure - it was never "enough." It never did what I thought it was going to do - there was always something "off" because I was feeling off inside myself!

To discover this love and security inside yourself, you first need to decide that YOU are worthy of your own time and energy. You're worthy of becoming curious about who you are, caring about your own desires, and becoming engaged in your own life.

Then you need to decide that you're worth including in a loving relationship - instead of constantly trying to do what you think is going to appeal to someone else.

Once you learn to get that love and security from INSIDE yourself first, you'll start attracting men who want to love you and make you feel secure - just because you're YOU!

If you're constantly feeling afraid that you're going to lose a man's love - or that you won't ever get his love in the first place - this only decreases your feelings of security and self-worth.

When you start eroding away your self-esteem this way, it will cost you more than love - it will cost you in ALL areas in your life.

The more you're willing to honor yourself and be proud of who you are, the more REAL love you can receive and the more you can believe it.

Helena Hart, M.A. -

# Date yourself

Often we feel very insecure in our relationships. We may not realize that is what is going on but if we are honest with ourselves we realize that we need to develop our self-esteem and how we feel about ourselves so we can truly be a healthy half of our relationship.

You can imagine a relationship as a foundation of a house.

When it has two solid independent beams holding it up it is stable and a solid foundation to build on. When either or both of those beams are shaky and needs the other to be solid we have a very shaky easily broken foundation that cannot be built on as it is at risk of falling down and crumbling with the slightest addition or wind. We must work to build ourselves into the solid beam we need to be to make a half of the foundation and we can do this by dating ourselves.

Often when I work with women that are feeling insecure and are struggling in their relationships, I ask simple questions about themselves and they do not have any answers.

We must learn to date ourselves so we have a good understanding and appreciation of who we are independently.

As we date ourselves we get to try new things: see what we like, what we don’t like, what makes us tick, what we want or do not want in a significant other and much more. Dating ourselves can be fun, scary and eye opening. When I say dating ourselves I truly mean going out, staying in, participating in activities, satisfying ourselves sexually, truly everything we would do with someone else so we truly know what we are all about. It may take some deep breaths and going out of your comfort zone but the security and self-esteem you gain are well worth it.

Once you have dated yourself and truly know who you are and appreciate you for just you, relationships will be much easier.

You will be secure and comfortable in you which will roll over into how you present and feel with the other person. They do not need to define you because you are already defined. You feel comfortable and secure in the relationship with them because they are adding to the already stand-alone you, not creating a complete you.

Neesha Lenzini, MS -

# Follow the 8 tips below

One of the best ways to overcome insecurity in a relationship is to identify any negative or judging thoughts that come into your awareness.

Negative thoughts riddled with judgment lead to feelings of insecurity. Without negative, judging thoughts, what would we truly have to be insecure about? We must be living in the moment of present awareness to notice what we are saying to ourselves in our own minds.

But how?

1. Start by practicing being in the moment.

Take a deep breath right now and notice the moment. There are thoughts running through our mind constantly. What thoughts do you notice?

2. Often times, it is difficult to become aware of our thoughts as they are so fleeting.

If that’s the case for you, start by noticing your feelings of insecurity. Once you notice the feeling, ask yourself, what thoughts are associated with this feeling? What were you just thinking about before you began feeling that way? Take note of the thought.

3. Once you have identified the thought, work to stay curious if you really believe the thought to be true.

Remember – don’t believe everything you think. For example, let’s say that you are thinking, “Why would this person even like me?” A thought like that would likely make one feel insecure. Answer the question for yourself finding reasons you are likeable. 

A common thought comes up for many is, “I’m not good enough.” Who are you comparing yourself to and why? You can reframe any thought in your mind. Know that no thought is ever set in stone and is always based solely on perspective.

4. Find positive aspects and things to love about yourself.

If you continue thinking negative things about yourself and not believing that you have beautiful, unique qualities, your insecurities will rule you. Work to identify things about yourself that you like and that are likeable by others.

5. Work to use these identified positive aspects to help you reframe your thoughts about yourself.

Let’s say you identify that you do like the color of your eyes. Imagine that others also enjoy the color of your eyes and want to be with you more to see them.

6. Watch for mind reading other people’s thoughts.

If you are thinking that someone else is judging you, perhaps a thought such as, “John doesn’t like me and thinks I’m an idiot,” who is really thinking that thought? Are you truly that psychic that you can read John’s mind? The answer is usually no. The person who is really thinking the thought is you.

7. Sometimes, instead of focusing on ourselves, we focus negatively on others.

Become aware of negative thoughts you might have about others as well. This can be difficult to own and take responsibility for, but to recognize these thoughts allows us the awareness to work on letting them go.

8. Stay compassionate with yourself.

Whatever judgment you notice in your mind can be changed!

Dr. Lisa M. Templeton, Phd -

# Ask yourself the below 4 questions

We all feel insecure at times in relationships, especially as they take off.

So a bit of insecurity at the outset is natural and normal. When you want to watch out for is when you feel anxiety and a lack of confidence when you’ve been dating your partner for a while. Then you want to consider exactly what you’re feeling, what’s causing it, and what you can do about it.

#1. Is this a pattern?

The first question to ask yourself is whether you usually feel insecure in relationships. You might recall that you generally do, but only in the beginning and that later on you feel more comfortable. Or you might realize that you hardly ever feel insecure and your current insecurity is highly unusual.

Last, you might need to admit that you feel insecure and inadequate in many or most relationships, so that what you’re feeling is par for the course and not one of your most winning personality traits.

#2. What is your insecurity about?

You’ll want to delve into what you’re feeling and when. Are you simply anxious about things working out between you and your beau in a general way, or are there specific times when anxiety crops up. Are you feeling you’re not good enough for your partner or are you fearing abandonment? The answers to these questions are key to figuring out what’s going on.

#3. Is your partner doing things to trigger your insecurity?

You’ll want to pay close attention to when your insecurity crops up. If you’re fine except when your partner flirts with someone, that tells you this dynamic is a trigger for you. It’s probably a good idea to get some feedback from friends or family to evaluate if you’re being overly anxious about your partner running off with someone else or if your partner’s actions are way off the charts in terms of flirtation.

#4. What have you done about your insecurity in the relationship?

At some point you’ll need to decide if your partner is doing absolutely nothing to provoke your insecurity yet you’re still feeling it or if the reason you’re getting triggered frequently is that your beau is intentionally or unintentionally doing things to cause you to feel fearful and inadequate.

If you’re jealous when you needn’t be and have been reassured over and over again that the relationship is fine, then it’s up to you to learn to develop skills to become more secure and confident or you won’t be happy in any relationship. Alternately, if your partner is provoking your anxiety (consciously or unconsciously), you must deal with this situation honestly and as soon as possible.

If you are honest with yourself and get meaningful feedback from friends and family, you should be able to figure out where your insecurity is coming from. Then you’ll know how to deal with it by either changing yourself or changing partners.

Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, M.Ed. –

# Follow the 4 tips below

The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.

---Steven Furtick

When feelings of insecurity arise in your relationship with your man, you need to determine where they’re coming from.

Are they coming from within you and what you’re telling yourself or coming from how your man treats you? Are you expecting a perfect partner without flaws and if he lets you down at some point, you don’t feel loved? Or are you wondering how anyone could love you because you feel inadequate and unworthy of love?

Whatever is fueling these insecure feelings, try practicing the tips below to help you feel more secure with yourself and your relationship.

1. Stop Mind Reading:

Improve your communication by not trying to read his mind. Mind reading only lends itself to making assumptions about your man’s intentions that aren’t true. Men display many moods that have nothing to do with you. Some men remain silent to relax, not to signify he’s angry with you. Speak clearly about what you want and do as you say to promote trust. Everyone is entitled to private thoughts.

2. Stop Comparing Relationships:

Stop comparing your present relationship with one you may have had in the past where you got hurt. All relationships are different and you may be looking for negative things that aren’t there. No one is perfect. Don’t invent problems. Don’t check his cell phone or social media accounts looking for trouble. Focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. What are you doing for fun? Trust that your partner is there for you.

3. Stop Avoiding Areas of Concern:

If you have a problem in your relationship, share your concern promptly with understanding and compassion, not about whose right or wrong to avoid defensiveness.

Ask yourself, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” Let this be your guide in how you approach difficult situations. Finding a middle ground where you can come together as a team with your man in order to resolve the conflict will not only strengthen the relationship, but will build trust.

4. Stop Focusing on Your Man:

Make sure you are internally secure and feeling good about yourself by taking care of your own needs. Don’t expect others to do it for you. Have your own interests separate from your man. Stay away from negative people and negative thoughts. Are you doing or saying things to make yourself happy or tear yourself down? Do positive things with your own friends.

Give the man in your life and yourself space to be your own individual selves. Then, come together and share what you’ve learned with each other in order to nurture and grow in your relationship. In this way, your insecurities will be a part of your past and you’ll easily reap the benefits of living in the present with your man.

Dr. Joanne Wendt –

# Follow the 4 tips below

Relationships can be wonderful and they can also be stressful.

We all want to feel secure and safe in our relationships. The beginning of a relationship is fun. We remember feeling the butterflies, wondering if he is going to call or text and when you can see him again. Try and enjoy this time rather then worrying. It takes time to know where the relationship is going and to feel completely secure.

If you are feeling insecure in the relationship, try and think about why you are feeling this way.

Has anything happened that you are not comfortable with or could you be over analyzing? Try talking through this with a good friend. Make a list of some of the issues and decide what would be important to bring up with your boyfriend and what perhaps you could let go.

As the relationship progresses you should begin to feel more and more confident in knowing where this is heading.

Have you talked about what you both want?

Have you discussed this being a monogamous relationship?

If these are things you fear will scare the guy off if you bring them up, then maybe this is not as strong of a relationship as you thought. If you can't communicate how you are feeling with your partner, then it is s good idea to decide if this relationship is something you want to continue.

Communication is a key component in a healthy relationship.

If the relationship is secure, then you should be able to communicate any issues or insecurities with your partner.

Trisha Swinton, LPC, LMFT –

# Be selfish

If you are clear about who you are and at home in all your natural light, it won't matter as much what others do or say – ever.

Be honest with yourself about your gifts, your strengths, who you want to be, and how you want to live.

What will your ideal life look like in 5 years?

Where will you be if everything goes as well as it possibly can?

What will you be doing?

Who will be there with you?

Taking time to journal in great detail about this is shown to be one of the most beneficial happiness boosters out there.

Once you determine a strong sense of what you are about, own that sense from deep within. Tap into that source energy, and know the number one most important person in your choir is you. This allows for operation more from the heart, with less crippling analysis and doubt. Self-love creates security that allows for vulnerability.

Do you know your strengths, aka, your super-powers?

There are 24 that we all have and use, but 5-7 of those that we exercise most readily to bring our best selves to the world. There's a link to a fun, free survey on my website that will add to the clarity of your ideal self and how to get there. Obstacles appear smaller with this power.

I recently observed a three-year-old playing with her doll. She was cradling it repeating, "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay." This is a beautiful mantra to remember. Practicing the thoughts that bring happiness, joy, light, and fun, and striving to be happier each day than the day before, allow us to live as though acceptance is inevitable and to expect the best.

When we appreciate everything good, everything good appreciates in the form of more good.

Anxieties fade and it becomes much easier to see situations honestly and with clarity. This makes it easier to focus on wanted change. What we think about, we naturally bring about, so assume the best with charisma and a smile!

Ask yourself, "Is this real or imagined?" Be kind and compassionate while focusing on only truth without overreacting. Don't make assumptions. Your future depends on staying present, grounded and calm. You can accept what comes to grow and master as you have many times before.

Make that leap with faith and take charge.

It's been said that a relationship is 100/100, not 50/50, so why not initiate and create the relationship you want, starting now? Think of turning on a flashlight in the dark. Point it toward where you want to go. Would you be inclined to walk anywhere else? Would you likely stay out of the dark and go where the light is?

Remember that you have benefitted, learned, and moved ahead navigating experiences in the past. Accept what comes. It's how we grow. We can tolerate the discomfort when we operate and connect in relationships for the sake of our ideal selves.

Mark Twain said, "A man (woman) cannot be comfortable without his (her) own approval." Do you approve?

Laurie Curtis, CPPC, CiPP –

# Take responsibility for your feelings

When you feel insecure in your relationship, it can be even harder to be IN a relationship than to be single!

If you didn’t get the love you really wanted from one of your parents, you can pretty much count on repeating that pattern as an adult, but this time you’ll be trying to get that love from your boyfriend or partner.

Sucks, right?

So what do you DO about it?

First, take responsibility for your own feelings.

It’s not about your partner making you feel insecure. Unless it is. Sometimes there are huge signs you are ignoring so you can stay in a relationship you know deep down is wrong for you. Whether your insecurity is coming from your own wounds or your partner’s shady behavior, take responsibility for how you feel and for getting your love life together.

Here’s how that looks:

Your boyfriend talks to and looks at other women a lot. It feels flirty and makes you uncomfortable. You get in lots of fights about it. You decide you are going to stop fighting with him and take responsibility for figuring out what’s going on with you and this relationship.

Next, take a minute to figure out what is going on inside of YOU.

Ask, “What inside of me is creating this response? What do I need to give myself that I’m not getting? When have I felt like this before?”

You may need to bring in a qualified outside perspective (e.g. counselor, healer, therapist, etc.) who can help you sort that out. The peace of mind they bring is worth their weight in gold.

Maybe you are repeating a pattern from your childhood and your partner is triggering it totally innocently and unconsciously.

Maybe your relationship is unhealthy and you can’t tell from the inside.

A lot of times what feels like chemistry to us is really someone else having the same wounds we have and it feels familiar on a subconscious level. Know that everybody has blind spots - especially in love. Get help to see through yours.

Here’s how that looks:

Let’s say Dad left Mom when you were a kid. For most of your adult life you didn’t think that was a big deal, but now you’re noticing that you are super clingy with boyfriends because you’re afraid they will leave. You get help from a qualified outside perspective and you figure out that Dad leaving had a bigger impact on you than you thought - even though it was a long time ago. That past pattern is now intruding on your ability to be happy in the PRESENT.

Lastly, use the insight you got to come up with a new plan for getting what you need to heal.

Here’s how that looks:

Maybe you decide you need to tell Dad how much it hurt when he left. Maybe you decide to focus on how Dad’s absence made you stronger and more self-reliant. Maybe you realize that you chose a partner who IS shady because deep down you expect all men to leave, so you decide to end that unhealthy relationship.

Whatever your plan was, take a deep breath and put it into action. You future self will thank you for it.

Carisa Montooth, Love Coach –

# Stop comparing and start connecting

Relationships can be hard.

Although almost everyone wants to be in a relationship, it sometimes can feel impossible to figure out how to do this - and especially if you are feeling less than secure about how things are going.

So here is one major way of changing your thinking about this that should help a lot:

Try not to compare your insides to your partner's outsides!

What this means is that even though you may feel like an unsure partner in this relationship while your partner appears to have it all together, this is NOT necessarily the case. There is no way to know that it is ONLY YOU who is feeling lost, unsure or questioning. More than likely, your partner is also having some of these feelings. So by understanding this dynamic, you are automatically putting yourself into a more powerful, less "one-down" position within the relationship.

This can then help you move forward with the relationship and focus on strengthening your connection - which is where the deepest and best work of relationship needs to happen. If you are spending all your time worrying about how you are being perceived, then you are not using your energies and abilities to send forth messages of love and acceptance to your partner - which will make THEM feel more secure as well - whether or not YOU think they already do. So the next time you are feeling insecure about things, remember - just because someone else LOOKS more confident about things than you feel, does NOT mean that they actually are.

So STOP comparing! And START connecting!

Kirsten Lind Seal, PhD, LMFT -

# Follow the 5 tips below

Have you ever said things like this to yourself?

“He’s no longer attracted to me. He doesn’t seem to want to get together as often as he used to. The loving notes and gestures have all but stopped. Has he met someone else?” And then follows thoughts like “I’ve put on a few pounds and look fat. I’m getting old and ugly. There must be something wrong with me.”

As many of us have experienced firsthand, insecurity can be hazardous to our romantic relationship. When we see ourselves as undeserving of love, possess self-doubt, and question our partner’s feelings, this often leads to insecure behaviors that can drive our partner away and thus becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

In order to overcome our own insecurities, we must recognize, understand, and then address our own inner critic. Once we confront these negative thought patterns, we can take steps to counteract them.

1. Get comfortable with uncertainty

In truth, we all live with some level of uncertainty every day. Complete certainty in everything is impossible. Needing to know that your partner will be with you forever will get in the way of enjoying him in the present.

2. Communicate, communicate, communicate… in a positive way

Communicating with your partner openly, honestly, and lovingly will develop trust and a strong bond between you. If things don’t feel quite right, communicate clearly and don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader. Putting off uncomfortable conversations will breed resentment and anxiety. Facing your challenges without fear will bring you closer together.

3. Sort out fact from fiction

We are our own worst critics. The next time you’re feeling a bit insecure, ask yourself what’s real and what you may be imagining or exaggerating. Being able to discern the difference between what you may be cooking up in your head and what is real is a key step toward comfort and self assurance.

4. Develop a healthy sense of self

Develop strength from within rather than looking to your partner for reassurance. It takes two happy and healthy people to make up a happy and healthy relationship. We must learn to love and accept ourselves before we can expect this from someone else.

5. Appreciate all that is good

Don’t look for signs of things that are not working; you (and your partner) will be much happier if you focus on all that is good in your relationship. While all relationships go through peaks and valleys, if you’re in a generally solid relationship rooted in truth, mutual respect, and compatibility, appreciate each other and continually build upon what you have together.

If your insecurities are keeping you from leading a life of happiness and contentment, it’s time to change the negative thoughts and behaviors. Change is never easy. Insecurities that have developed over years, or perhaps a lifetime, won’t disappear overnight and without concerted effort. Through patience and perseverance, your thought processes and your relationships can be transformed.

Deb Daufeldt, MA, MBA, NCC -

# Ask yourself the below 3 questions
Johanna Schram

When we’re feeling insecure in a relationship, our natural impulse is often to focus on who the other person wants us to be.

We watch for clues about what we should think and how we should act. We hope if we can just meet the other person’s expectations, then we can earn their acceptance and love.

There are a few problems with changing ourselves to be who we think another person wants us to be:

We don’t actually shed our feelings of insecurity because we have to keep assessing how well we are meeting another’s expectations. When we look to someone else for our sense of worth, each new situation and each new moment comes with the need to ask whether we’re still good enough.

We don’t create the connection needed for a truly meaningful relationship.Even if the other person does accept us and show us love, they’re really only validating our imitation of who we think they want us to be. We also miss opportunities to know them better while we’re busy assessing their reactions to us.

We’re telling ourselves that who we really are isn’t good enough. When we constantly look to another person for validation and change to meet their expectations, we reinforce our belief that who we really are isn’t acceptable or loveable.

Rejection hurts, but there are no guarantees others won’t reject us no matter how hard we try to please them. Depending on validation from an external source places us in an endless loop of earning approval. Becoming more secure in our relationships with others begins with learning to accept and honor ourselves.

Try asking yourself these questions:

1. How do I think, act, and feel when I’m worried the other person won’t like me?

For many of us, seeking validation over connection is a deeply ingrained habit. Start noticing and identifying your own behaviors. Are they connecting you more deeply with the other person or trying to win their approval?

2. What do I really think or want?

This can be difficult to answer at first if we’re used to looking to others for our answers. Get to know yourself again. Ask yourself questions and answer them as honestly as you can. Can you practice sharing your own authentic preference or opinion once a day? This may feel scary at first—it’s ok to start slow.

3. What would I like to know about the other person?

Try asking questions and really listening to the answers—not for clues about how you should act, but simply to get to know them better. Not only will this deepen your connection, but it will also turn your focus outward to learn more about the person you’re with instead of inward to measure your performance.

Striving for validation actually gets in the way of trusting relationships. Learning to value ourselves, even with all our imperfections, builds a foundation for connection.

Johanna Schram, Author -

# In order to protect from insecurities, the essentials of a healthy self must be present.

Let’s look at insecurity in relationships through the lens of trust. One would assume I am talking about trust in your partner. Yes, that is important, but so is trust in self.

What causes a person to lack trust in their partner?

Throughout the years of providing couple’s therapy, I have found it often stems from betrayal. I am sure that is no surprise, however; it isn’t necessarily betrayal by a partner. Early betrayal by a parent or friend can build a foundation of distrust and insecurity. Women, in particular, who have experienced betrayal by a father are more likely to develop insecurity issues in adult relationships. Those early experiences shape a person’s personal belief system and creates the inner dialogue that tells them that the people they love will ultimately betray them. This core belief is the root of insecurity.

Contrastingly, how does lack of trust in self contribute to the development of insecurity?

This type of insecurity is based in a fear; a personal fear that one cannot manage the potential hurt if they are betrayed. Dependence is expected in a relationship and dependence on the person you love can be both enjoyable and scary. If trust is present because the relationship is safe and supportive, then healthy dependence is possible.

When dependence moves to a state of unhealthiness, a person seeks validation of self through their partner’s approval, and any threat to the loss of that validation will produce insecurities. Developing self-worth is key. Having self-worth in relationship means knowing that if the relationship ends, you may be sad, but you will be able to move on and be whole again. The validation of self is from within, not from the significant other.

In order to protect from insecurities, the essentials of a healthy self must be present.

Self-awareness: I am talking about the kind of awareness that comes from deep introspection and reconciliation of the past. In other words, do your work to know what past betrayals you bring to your current relationship and seek help to heal those outside of the relationship. Sometimes those scars are not exposed until we start a relationship.

Communication: Healthy communication involves taking responsibility for your own feelings and sharing them without accusation. Learning to not project your insecurities on to your partner takes practice, but it is possible.

Honesty: Honesty with self sounds easy but for many, it is not. Denial can be a happy friend that keeps us believing we are getting what we need in our relationship. The risk of looking at yourself and the true quality of your relationship is being alone. For many, staying in a bad relationship is better than being alone.

Self-love: This is the basis of all healthy relationships and the antidote to insecurity. It involves healing of past hurts, resolution of unattended feelings, building confidence, and going into our relationships with our best self.

Elizabeth Miller, LISW, LLC -

# Slow down and ask yourself what this message is trying to tell you

A great question to ask yourself if you're feeling insecure in a relationship is “Do feel insecure, or is the relationship lacking the security I need?”

It is important to identify the root cause of the insecurity. This question addresses two very different genesis of the issue of insecurity in a relationship.

The first step is to recognize that the feeling of insecurity is a “message”. It is time to slow down and ask yourself what this message is trying to tell you.

Relationships deal with you as an individual while simultaneously developing you and your partner as a couple. Security most be built up in both these areas. Knowledge of what a healthy relationship looks like is a great way to develop security in the relationship itself. Knowing what is appropriate to ask of each other creates trust and reliance.

Here are a few examples of what is not appropriate in a relationship.

- Your happiness relies on your relationship and thus the relationship always needs to be “good.”

- Your self-esteem does not come from what you believe to be true about yourself, but what your partner believes is true of you and thus the “success” of the relationship determines if you are good.

- You feel compelled to be in the relationship to the point of neglecting other significant relationships in your life.

Insecurity is lack of knowledge of oneself, and a lack of knowledge of what constitutes a healthy relationship.

The other type of insecurity is a lack of trust in one’s self. Building up trust toward yourself is crucial in becoming secure in yourself, thus becoming secure in your relationship.

In the path toward becoming less insecure it is necessary to evaluate what you place as important in your life.

Not really sure? Now would be a great time to make a list of values that you know are important to you and worth protecting. This exercise will actively engage thoughts and feelings of being secure- because to be secure you have to know what it is you’re protecting.

This part can be even more difficult than the relationship because it requires you to evaluate what you believe to be true about yourself. Consulting a trusted friend can help with sifting through the lies we often tell to ourselves.

Security lies in true knowledge of self.

Truth is the firmest foundation on which to build up oneself, and a relationship. Seeking out truth from trusted sources, experts in a particular field is sure way to fortifying your own beliefs and banishing doubts.

Elizabeth Alexander, MA, LPC -

# The first step is admitting that the vulnerability, whatever it may be, is there

Do you always find yourself insecure in relationships even when things are going well?

Do your worries often become self-fulfilling prophecies?

If so, it is important to realize that these patterns are not your fault and they are completely unconscious. Insecurities about relationships don't just happen over night. They are formed starting in childhood, and then are cemented over a lifetime by reinforcing circumstances.

So how do these patterns work?

We all have our unique vulnerabilities, and when a partner inadvertently does something to trigger them, insecurity follows. For example, let's say you suffered a loss in your childhood, perhaps your father left or a best friend rejected you. The scars of these childhood rejections are deep and invisible, and often make people vulnerable to fear of abandonment. So even if you're in a good relationship with someone who has no intention of abandoning you, without even realizing it, you may be on guard for any perceived sign that you might be abandoned.

For example, say your partner goes away for the weekend and doesn't call. While this may not be a big deal for people who don't have this abandonment vulnerability, to you this is the first sign that your partner is slipping away. As a result, perhaps you start a fight with your partner or become very clingy. Your partner doesn’t understand why this is happening and they get defensive, thus reinforcing the pattern. Has something similar ever happened to you?

Now you may be wondering if it is possible to change these patterns.

It's absolutely possible to modify and overcome these patterns so that you can banish insecurity and have healthier relationships. The first step is admitting that the vulnerability, whatever it may be, is there. Explain it to your partner so if you do get triggered, you can easily get to the bottom of the issue. With practice and vigilance you can learn to spot your triggers and prevent the distress you experienced in the past.

Recognizing these patterns and coming to terms with your vulnerabilities can be difficult, and therapy can be very helpful in this process. Additionally, an excellent book to help understand these vulnerabilities is Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko. When you feel like you are struggling, remember that your insecurity stems from your past but doesn’t have to dictate your future.

Elizabeth Cobb, LCSW -

# Ask yourself the below questions

Insecurity is a difficult thing.

It tends to sneak up on us. We will be doing just fine, feeling confident, and then BAM! Seemingly out of the blue a tsunami of insecurity hits and demolishes our sense of centeredness and peace. Insecurity can attack for a number of reasons.

When it does, it’s helpful to ask yourself a few questions to determine the best course of action.

Is there a reason to feel insecure?

Sometimes our insecurity in an intuition that something isn’t right - it’s important to be able to trust the person you are in a relationship with and if you start to feel like you are not on the same team, then step back and make a plan. Maybe it’s something you need to change, maybe its something to work on changing together. Use the insecurity like a barometer in your relationship to alert you when something needs to be adjusted.

Is there a previous experience that is influencing your current relationship?

Previous experiences can create wounds around certain issues – how we look, who we can trust, and what our value is, just to name a few. If you have a wound from a previous relationship it’s important to be able to recognize it so that if it starts to poke it’s head in, you can be ready to put it back into place.

Are you finding your value in other people’s opinions of you?

There are times when we all want to hear “good job” or “I’m impressed” or just “wow” – however if we are always looking to other people to confirm out value and worth, it puts a significant strain on the relationship and can ultimately lead to relationship failure. We need to find an internal locus of reinforcement and stand our ground that we are playing a meaningful part in the relationship. It might be helpful to talk to a therapist about how you find your center so you can start to practice living with more vulnerability.

If you can answer these questions, you can start to take the power back from the insecurity and enjoying a peace-filled relationship.

Dr. Wendy Dickinson -

# Follow the 5 tips below

A certain level of fear or insecurity is natural at the beginning of a relationship, especially if you’ve experienced previous heartache or pain.

Sharing your deepest desires and true self can make you feel vulnerable. Opening your heart and choosing to trust someone comes with the possibility of getting hurt. Sometimes it’s scary to take the leap.

Over time, however, as trust develops, you should feel more comfortable and secure. The right partner makes you feel good, affirms positive self-image. A healthy relationship provides feelings that are nurturing and supportive. You deserve to feel desirable and empowered in your relationship.

If you find yourself feeling insecure in your relationship:

1. Be clear about your needs. What type of behavior triggers you to feel insecure? Is it something you’re experiencing in the present moment, or is it something from your past? Communicate openly with your partner regarding actions or comments you find discouraging or adversely affect your self-esteem.

2. Tap into the source of your insecurities. Where do they stem from? We learn a lot from examining our insecurities. They help us tune into our deepest desires and can motivate us to take action.

3. Do whatever is in your power to be your best self. At the end of the day, can you look in the mirror and say you did your best? If you’re feeling insecure about your physical body/self-image, get moving. Adopt a new hobby, hit the gym, or start taking walks. Take action regarding the things you can control. Release any insecurities over the things which you have no control.

4. Don’t make assumptions about how your partner is feeling. Sometimes we take things personally when our partner had a bad day at work, or has another issue at hand. Step back and ask questions to uncover external stressors.

5. Find new ways to connect with your partner. Sometimes insecurities stem from perceived distance. Spend quality time with your partner. Have date nights. Do the things that bring you closer together.

Kelly Hart, Certified Reflexologist and Empowerment Coach -

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