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September 1, 2018

I Am a Single Mom Interested In Having a Strictly Sexual Relationship With No Strings Attached, But I Have Never Been Involved In One Before

I-Am-a-Single-Mom-Interested-In-Having-a-Strictly-Sexual-Relationship-With-No-Strings-Attached-But-I-Have-Never-Been-Involved-In-One-Before

Q. I am a 37 year old single mom and I was divorced in 2011 ending my 10 year old marriage. The last 3 years of my marriage were really tough because there was a lot of resentment, anger and frustration. I didn’t feel desired or appreciated nor was I sexually satisfied. I would like to enter into a sexual relationship with no strings attached. When I shared my feelings with my close friends, they were shocked and thought I was totally off my rocker.

I understand I have a kid to take care of and the need to be a good role model. But I really want to have fun and be sexually satisfied which I haven’t been for the last 5 years of my life. These are my honest feelings and this is what I am looking for.

Having said that I have never been involved in a mere physical relationship before and I am totally new to the “hook-up culture.” On one hand I have to deal with the responsibilities of being a mother and a proper role model, but on the other hand I want my sexual urges to be satisfied without the pressure of being committed in a relationship. I am not able to reach out to my friends or family for advice because they judge me when I tell the truth. Is it wrong for a woman to enter into a purely sexual relationship if that’s what she desires? I may or may not want a man in my life later but I want to have my sexual needs fulfilled.  

Please advice.

A. Given that you experienced deep, long term dissatisfaction in your marriage, it makes sense that you would want to focus on a simple method for increasing your personal pleasure while simultaneously minimizing the potential for romantic complications. I commend you for evaluating your needs and being honest about this new stage that you have entered.

Before taking the plunge though, I would strongly encourage you to continue thinking about whether this is a true, authentic desire or a reaction to the heartache you have experienced

Like a pendulum, when we make it through a challenging time, we can rebound to the opposite extreme as a protective mechanism. In short, the unconscious motivation can sometimes stem from the idea that if you don’t get emotional involved or entangled in a ‘real’ relationship, you won’t have to deal with the difficulties you faced in your marriage.

While this premise may be true in theory, it can also create additional issues if you aren’t fully prepared and aware, as even “light and easy” scenarios have a way of bringing complications and challenges. 

Unexpected emotions (jealousy, low self esteem, frustration etc.) may arise and you will have navigate them, potentially creating more difficulties than you intended.

You clearly understand your priorities when it comes to motherhood. If you ultimately believe that you’ve evaluated the pros and cons and feel confident in your decision, it can be empowering to make the choice to have a purely physical relationship.  With proper planning, thought, communication and care for your physical/sexual health, you can enjoy the benefits of being single without concern.

Best of luck to you!

About Allison Cohen

Allison Cohen

Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT is a licensed, private practice psychotherapist, with 11 years experience in individual and couples therapy.

With offices in Beverly Hills and Tarzana, CA, Allison specializes in aiding clients that struggle with life issues including self esteem, partner dynamics, family of origin conflict, identity formation, communication skills, intuitive eating, anxiety and depression.

She uses a kind but direct approach to provide concrete tools for life long change.  She believes that the client is the expert on themselves and through an eclectic combination of orientations, she works to bring out the best version of the client that they can be.

She is a member of the California Association of Marriage Family Therapists, Divorce Transition Professionals and Psi Chi (the International Honor Society of Psychology).

To know more about Allison Cohen, visit www.lifeissuespsychotherapy.com.

You can find her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Allison-Cohen-MA-MFT/132037466865269.

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