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September 1, 2018

I am Dating a Man Who Was Betrayed In His Previous Relationship And Is Scared Of Becoming Hurt Again: What Should I Do?

I-am-Dating-a-Man-Who-Was-Betrayed-In-His-Previous-Relationship-And-Is-Scared-Of-Becoming-Hurt-Again-What-Should-I-Do

Q. I have been dating a guy for the past 5 months. We met through a common friend and our relationship has been growing slowly but steadily. He is not a chaser in the sense, he did not actively pursue me like the men I had relationships with before. In my past relationships, men were crazy about me and doing their best to woo me and impress me which my guy doesn’t do or should I say not with the same intensity and passion. Having said that, he does initiate contact, asks me out, calls ahead of time for a date and has shown an interest in me but in a quiet subdued way.

He told me that he had a devastating breakup which totally wrecked his confidence and self esteem. He was so badly affected that he didn’t date for nearly 2 years. I figured out that this may be the reason why he is slow, subdued and cautious in his approach. Of late, he has not been responding to my phone calls or emails and that disturbed me. One day, he called me and asked me if we could meet and I agreed fearing for the worst.

When we met, he apologized sincerely and when I asked him why he didn’t respond to my calls or emails, he held my hands and said he is falling for me and has mixed feelings about it. On one hand he is excited and happy and on the other hand he is extremely scared and anxious because he feels that I will end up betraying him like his ex. He did mention that it’s unfair on his part to say that but that’s how he really feels. I assured him that he could trust me completely and take his time. In return, he thanked me and said that he would understand if I choose to end the relationship because of his current state of mind and the emotional baggage of his past relationship.

Personally speaking, I don’t want to end the relationship and I am more than happy to give him the time and space he needs. However my sister (with whom I share everything that’s going on in my life) cautioned me not to continue a relationship that requires me “fixing” or “helping” a man. I understand why she said that, but I have never been in relationships where I had to “fix” or “work on” a man. I think there is great potential in this relationship but I am also aware of the practical challenges that I am dealing with as well.

Can you give your thoughts on my decision to continue in this relationship? Is there anything that I can do on my part to make this relationship work and reassure him that I am not like his ex and that this relationship will not end the same way as his past relationship?

A. You and your sister are wise to assume that getting into a relationship with a man that requires “fixing,” will always be a dangerous proposition. Fortunately for you, this isn’t the case and here is why – No one can “fix” anyone but themselves and all attempts to the contrary will end in abject failure. 

Any long term change requires desire and conviction and it has to come from the person that has to do the alterations, personally.

You can of course, be a pillar of support and understanding. You are human and will have your limits but in any good relationship there will always be a healthy dose of give and take. You both will alternate holding each other up when the other is struggling and for you, this may just be time to take the reigns (temporarily).

During this issue specific process, be prepared for several outcomes either positive or negative and it will solely come down to your partner’s ability to sustain the effort necessary to let his guard down and grow the relationship.

I give you credit for seeing something special in your mate and being open to the idea of taking it slow. I caution you against viewing his reticence as the main block aid in the relationship. It can cause obsession and “one-track thinking” which may block you from keeping your eyes wide open to all the facets of the relationship.

Nothing is perfect and no matter the circumstances, each partner has to bring their best selves to the table, which means that your boyfriend has to be whole enough to be there for you and your struggles as well. If it becomes a one sided dance where you are performing solely to assuage his fears, you will grow weary and resentful quickly.

Best of luck!

About Allison Cohen

Allison Cohen

Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT is a licensed, private practice psychotherapist, with 11 years experience in individual and couples therapy.

With offices in Beverly Hills and Tarzana, CA, Allison specializes in aiding clients that struggle with life issues including self esteem, partner dynamics, family of origin conflict, identity formation, communication skills, intuitive eating, anxiety and depression.

She uses a kind but direct approach to provide concrete tools for life long change.  She believes that the client is the expert on themselves and through an eclectic combination of orientations, she works to bring out the best version of the client that they can be.

She is a member of the California Association of Marriage Family Therapists, Divorce Transition Professionals and Psi Chi (the International Honor Society of Psychology).

To know more about Allison Cohen, visit www.lifeissuespsychotherapy.com.

You can find her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Allison-Cohen-MA-MFT/132037466865269.

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