I am Not Comfortable With My Boyfriend Keeping In Touch With His Ex: What Should I Do?
Q. Of late, my boyfriend has been in touch with his ex. It all started when his ex contacted him and wanted to talk to him. Ever since he had the talk with her, he has been spending time with her every now and then. This bothers me because I am of the belief that you cannot be friends with your ex and you shouldn’t be. My boyfriend disagrees and he argues that just because I am in his life now, I shouldn’t expect him to stop interacting with people who were in his life before. He reassured me that he loves me but he said that he will not stop talking with his ex.
I don’t think my boyfriend is cheating on me but I fear that he may have an affair eventually with her or break up with me for her. Personally, I have never kept in touch with any of my ex boyfriends nor do I think it’s necessary. I believe they are called “ex” for a reason but somehow my boyfriend feels different.
What can I do to make him understand that this is a big concern for me and no matter how much he reassures me I will be uncomfortable as long as he is in contact with her. I have no problems with him spending time and interacting with his female friends, but I don’t feel the same way when he does it with his ex.
Please advice.
A. Kudos to you for recognizing that the beginning of a relationship doesn’t mean the end of your previous life or opposite sex friendships.
It does however, require some adjustments to boundaries that your boyfriend may not be aware of or comfortable with. It can feel very threatening to think about everything that does and must change in order to guard the relationship against potential threats. While your boyfriend likely doesn’t believe that his ex is truly a threat (and she may not legitimately be so), it is extremely important to talk about how to build walls around your relationship so that those outside sources don’t creep in.
My suggestion is to open up a dialogue about how each of you can fortify your partnership in all realms.
Talk about what makes each one of you uneasy and how to modify the situation or relationships in order for it to work for the both of you (this will feel less scary to him than outright asking him to terminate the friendship, since he has already expressed that he’s unwilling to do that).
In this situation in particular, it would be helpful to support your boyfriend’s point by acknowledging how hard it is to make adjustments to friendships and how terrifying it must feel to let go of history and connection (even when there is no romantic intention on his part). Since he isn’t comfortable cutting off the relationship entirely, perhaps there are ways to make the situation more workable for you (ie. Lessening the frequency of chats/get togethers, lunches instead of dinners etc).
Ultimately, the best way to affair proof your relationship is to make it priority 1.
Through this filter, all decisions become clearer (if not harder in some instances). Both of you have to be willing to honor each others core needs and make those necessary adjustments. If he isn’t willing to budge or even talk about ways to find a middle ground, you are going to have to take a serious look at your partnership and assess how much he is addressing those other vital requests and needs.
About Allison Cohen
Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT is a licensed, private practice psychotherapist, with 11 years experience in individual and couples therapy.
With offices in Beverly Hills and Tarzana, CA, Allison specializes in aiding clients that struggle with life issues including self esteem, partner dynamics, family of origin conflict, identity formation, communication skills, intuitive eating, anxiety and depression.
She uses a kind but direct approach to provide concrete tools for life long change. She believes that the client is the expert on themselves and through an eclectic combination of orientations, she works to bring out the best version of the client that they can be.
She is a member of the California Association of Marriage Family Therapists, Divorce Transition Professionals and Psi Chi (the International Honor Society of Psychology).
To know more about Allison Cohen, visit www.lifeissuespsychotherapy.com.
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