September 1, 2018

I Feel Uncomfortable With My Boyfriend’s Relationship With His Female Friend: What Should I Do?


Q. Hi, My boyfriend and I share a great relationship. Recently his best friend moved to town and since then, I have felt insecure and jealous. My boyfriend and she have a great rapport and even though he told me about her quite often during our relationship, it didn’t affect me a great deal at that time because she was in a different state and they communicated mainly via phone and emails.   

I personally met her and she is a really sweet, adorable girl. She has known my boyfriend ever since they were kids, grew up together and they went to the same school and college. They understand each other very well and have such a great connection that I wondered why he choose me over her.

She is physically more attractive, more educated, more mature and in every sense better than me. When I asked my boyfriend if he ever dated his friend, he said no and when I asked him why he said that he never had such feelings for her.  I haven’t asked her the same question and I don’t think I would. However she is single and she really likes my boyfriend. They both have not lied nor have they never done anything behind my back. 

I do believe they are really good friends, but somehow I cannot shake this uncomfortable feeling that I have inside that it would be just a matter of time before my boyfriend leaves me which has made me anxious, insecure and jealous.

Of late, I have snooped on him and I feel very bad about it and every time I snoop and find nothing, I feel relieved and also ashamed of myself. What can I do to overcome my anxiety and jealousy? How can I relax and enjoy the relationship with my boyfriend just as I did before she came to town? Is there anything that I can tell my boyfriend or her to make things better between us?

A. The male/female platonic relationship is always a tricky one to navigate when you are the romantic partner.

It’s a base human emotion to fear losing someone you love, however, acting upon that (seemingly unsubstantiated) fear will lead you down a path of destruction

Ernest Hemingway once said, “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”  Easy in theory, difficult in practice, I know, but these wise words will help you focus and maintain a positive energy in the relationship. 

You do leave yourself vulnerable and susceptible to hurt but you also create an important foundation to continue building upon by showing your boyfriend that you support what is important to him even if its isn’t terribly comfortable for you (because one day, you will want and require this in return, from him).

Though I am first recommending trust, I also strongly encourage you to communicate your insecurity to your partner. Read: Communicate, not react from it. 

You can deepen your relationship by sharing your feelings because it will allow your significant other to reassure the commitment he has to you and it will create an opening to discuss potential ways to minimize your discomfort.

Also, with your boyfriend’s permission, you may want to consider sharing your fears with his best friend as well.

If you share in a kind, loving and honest way you potentially take one step closer to establishing a relationship of your own with her and may end up creating more empathy, attention and respect for those feelings as well.  At the end of the day, his best friend isn’t going anywhere but with a strong connection and good communication, you can achieve a happy medium that serves you both in the long term.

Best of luck!

About Allison Cohen

Allison Cohen

Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT is a licensed, private practice psychotherapist, with 11 years experience in individual and couples therapy.

With offices in Beverly Hills and Tarzana, CA, Allison specializes in aiding clients that struggle with life issues including self esteem, partner dynamics, family of origin conflict, identity formation, communication skills, intuitive eating, anxiety and depression.

She uses a kind but direct approach to provide concrete tools for life long change.  She believes that the client is the expert on themselves and through an eclectic combination of orientations, she works to bring out the best version of the client that they can be.

She is a member of the California Association of Marriage Family Therapists, Divorce Transition Professionals and Psi Chi (the International Honor Society of Psychology).

To know more about Allison Cohen, visit

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