I Love My Boyfriend But His Kids Don’t Like Me: What Should I Do?

Q. Hi, I have been dating a man for about 3 months and in the short time I have known him, I have grown fond of him. I think he feels the same about me. He has 2 girls- one 10 years old and the other 8 years. I met them a couple of times and on both occasions they were cold, distant and quite rude to me. I did my best to be friendly and nice, but it didn’t work.

I asked him about this later (when he and I were alone) and he said that his ex wife is largely responsible for their behavior because she encourages and teaches them to behave badly with any woman he dates. He also mentioned that his kids attitude and behavior was largely responsible for the break up of at least a couple of relationships that had great potential. He said that his kids are actually very sweet and wonderful and they only behave this way with a woman he has a romantic interest in. I get the feeling that they probably do this because they feel some woman is going to take their mom’s place, which is certainly not my intention.

I have nothing against the kids (in fact I want to feel accepted by them), but I am very concerned about my relationship with him, especially if the kids are going to continue being cold and unresponsive to me.

Is there anything that I can do to improve my relationship with the kids?

A. This is one of the many difficult situations divorce causes. It sounds like you genuinely care about this man, and about his kids.

There are several things going on here.

Kids are usually resistant to people their parents date. A vast majority of the time, kids are hoping their parents will reunite and a new boyfriend or girlfriend is a constant reminder that life isn’t going back to “normal.”

The other thing that comes into play is that their time with dad is limited (assuming custody is split) and they see you as competition for his precious attention and time. You are in a tough place as the girlfriend because you are limited in what you can do, and you want to tread lightly on suggestions regarding the kids, especially since the relationship is so new.

Here are some suggestions:

• Try and spend quality time with your boyfriend during his non-custodial time to build your relationship without imposing on his time with the kids.

• Limit appearances during his time with the kids. Introducing a significant other quickly (3 months is fairly quick) can cause additional resentment because they don’t see you as someone who is going to stick around anyway. Since they have caused strain in his other relationships, you will need to be patient and recognize that his kids come first right. (You may have to consider if that is something you are okay with.)

• Start spending time with them slowly. Make shorter appearances to build rapport without taking too much time. Some ideas for this may be to meet them for lunch or dinner, meet them for an outing at the park, go for ice cream. The idea is to spend enough time there building rapport, but not enough time for them to feel like dad’s attention is taken away. Save the longer outings for later.

• Limit your displays of affection. A quick hug or kiss should be fine, but avoid anything beyond that- it can be triggering, or at the least, embarrassing.

• Gifts are a great idea, but avoid overdoing it. Ask the girls about their interests and then find meaningful (smallish) gifts.

• Take a genuine interest in their lives. Ask genuine questions and have conversations with them. They may be cold at first, but gentle persistence will pay off as long as they are still getting quality time with dad.

• Talk with your boyfriend about his approach. Again, you have to tread lightly since this is a new relationship, but find out how he presents your relationship to the girls. It may help for him to explain the reasons he likes you and that it is not going to affect his time, attention, or love for his girls.

• Divorce can be very traumatic for kids. Even if their parents have been separated for awhile, seeing a professional may help them work through their feelings. Again, you are in an awkward place with this one, so at most, you could gently ask his thoughts on the girls seeing a counselor. He will have to work with his ex on this, but it is something to consider. I would only suggest this once and then drop it.

• Keep a strong support system for yourself. Continue to enjoy friendships and hobbies that make you happy. Dating a divorced dad with kids is difficult, so be patient with your boyfriend and the relationship.