Q. My name is Kathleen and I have been dating a guy for 3 months. In the past, I have sabotaged really great relationships and ended up driving men away from me. I think I get way too excited and open up my heart and feelings to a guy I really like and I have the tendency to do it rather quickly in a relationship. I find it incredibly hard to control my emotions and feelings and take it slow. I am one of those women who if is into a guy is really in and if not, I have no interest.
I really don’t like playing games or playing hard to get because I am not that kind of woman. Moreover I am not looking for attention, I am looking for love.
What can I do to avoid overwhelming and intimidating the guy I am dating? How do I stop obsessing and stop thinking about him all the time? It feels wonderful but these feelings have also gotten me into trouble and heart breaks.
A. Dear Kathleen,
Thank you for your letter. I believe this is a situation that many people find themselves in- males and females alike.
Coming from someone who has lived this repeatedly in my own life (but not any longer), here is my response:
You hit the nail on the head when you said, “I am looking for love.” When we are on a quest to seek (Love) outside ourselves, we can behave in extreme ways. Becoming “obsessed” in 3 months time would be a good example of this.
Here’s the deal.
What we seek to get outside ourselves is the very thing we are not giving ourselves. Read that sentence again. The love we are aching for, dying for, vying for is the very Love that our souls are craving from us. The problem with this is that when we seek outside ourselves, we are trying to fill a bottom-less pit. When we get some love/attention, it won’t sustain us for very long until we need some more.
The only thing that can fill our love void up, is ourselves.
This doesn’t mean that we won’t still desire a relationship.
After all, our very beings are designed to couple. What it does mean is that a relationship will become a bonus in our lives. We won’t live and breathe every movement, every word, every text or conversation. We will just allow for the flow and unfolding of the relationship in a natural way.
I am currently writing a book on this subject and it would be impossible to give you all the tools I used to overcome this perceived “need” here, but I will give you one to get you started.
~When you feel like you are needing love, give yourself exactly what it is you are needing. Is it attention? Is it touch? Is it kind words? Is it compliments? Whatever you are craving and obsessing over, you have the capacity to give to yourself.
And the good news is, it’s always readily available.
If you do this one little exercise with focus and purpose, I assure you, your over zealous behavior will wane if not subside all together.
Give it a try and let us know!