September 3, 2018

I Think My Best Friend Is Interested In My Boyfriend: What Should I Do?

I-Think-My-Best-Friend-Is-Interested-In-My-Boyfriend-What-Should-I-Do

Q. My name is Michelle and I have a boyfriend who is really sweet and adorable. I share my apartment with my best friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend. She was devastated and hurt and I did my best to console her and support her. Of late, she has been showing an interest in my boyfriend and this bothers me. My boyfriend often comes to my place to hang out. Every time he is at my place, she comes out of her room, joins us and even sits next to us on the couch. At first, I didn’t mind because I knew she was going through a bad breakup but over time, she has started to worry me.

She is my best friend and she has never behaved this way in the past. I am not sure if she is feeling lonely or if she is jealous or if she has a genuine interest in my boyfriend and wants to steal him from me. I talked to my boyfriend about this and he didn’t feel she was hitting on him no showing a special interest in him. However I don’t quite feel the same way. I think it’s better to be safe than be sorry, but I am not quite sure how to handle this situation.

Should I move out of my apartment and look for another place? Should I discuss my concerns with my friend? I am not quite sure how she will take it. And even if she is interested in my boyfriend, she is not going to say, “Yes, I am interested in him”, so what’s the use of talking with her. I have conflicting thoughts and emotions and don’t know what to do.

Do you have any advice you can share?

A. Dear Michelle,

Several questions occur to me regarding your situation:

1. You say your boyfriend doesn’t feel like your roommate is hitting on him

Is there anything in your own relationship history or your family history (for example a parent’s infidelity,) that would make you particularly sensitive or fearful regarding issues of infidelity?

2. Regarding your statement: “I think it’s better to be safe than be sorry;” Sorry about what?

Whom are you having difficulty trusting-your roommate or your boyfriend?  Because it would take both of them for something to happen.

3. Do you have any knowledge about your best friend that would give credence to your fears that she may want to steal your boyfriend?

4. You are giving a good description of an emotional triangle.

People “triangle” others into their relationships as tension builds up (as it inevitably and naturally does) between them.  Could it be that there are unaddressed issues between you and your boyfriend that are being hidden by a focus on your roommate?

5. Are you reacting to fears that your roommate might be trying to steal your boyfriend, or to a feeling of being on the “outside of the triangle?” 

No one likes the feeling of being in the outside position in a harmonious relationship triangle, but some people are more sensitive to it than others.  Can you think of other times you’ve felt left out?  Is this a familiar feeling for you?

Only you can decide what to do here, but I want to caution you about the potential cost of not trusting these people you care about (as long as nothing more serious than what you’ve described has happened so far).

Rather than trying to figure out what your roommate’s motives are, maybe you can use this situation to observe and learn. How does your boyfriend handle himself in the triangle?  What do you do when you feel left out?

How can you use this experience as an opportunity for personal growth?

About Lorna Hecht-Zablow

Lorna-Hecht

Lorna Hecht-Zablow MFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in practice in San Diego, CA.  She’s been working with clients since 1995, coaching adult individuals and couples to become more effective in their lives and relationships.  You can learn more about Lorna and her approach to therapy on her website lornahechtzablow.com, at www.facebook.com/lornamft, at twitter @lornamft, and at Google+,  Lorna Hecht Zablow MFT.

Related Posts

My Boyfriend Likes Public Display Of Affection But I am Shy: What Should I Do?

I Have Concerns About My Boyfriend’s Family: What Should I Do?

I am Getting Cold Feet About My Marriage: What Should I Do?

My Boyfriend’s Family Doesn’t Like Me: What Should I Do?

I am Dating a Former Player and Have My Doubts On Whether Our Relationship Can Succeed Long Term: What Should I Do?

I Have Feelings For My Ex Boyfriend But He Isn’t So Sure: What Should I Do?

He Broke Up With Me Because He Lost His Job But I Still Want To Be With Him – What Should I Do?

I am Bored in My Relationship With My Boyfriend: What Should I Do?

My Boyfriend Gives Me the Silent Treatment: What Should I Do?

He Lives With an Attractive Female Roommate and this Bothers Me: What Should I Do?

I am Not Able To Forget My Ex Boyfriend and Move On: What Should I Do?

I am Dating a Man Who Cheated In His Previous Relationship: What Should I Do?

I am Ambitious and Financially Successful But He Is Not: What Should I Do?

How To Set Boundaries and Not Take Things Personally

He Spends More Time With His Friend and Prioritizes Him Over Me – What Should I Do?

My Boyfriend Buys Me Gifts All The Time And I Feel Awkward About It: What Should I Do?

I am a Single Mom Dating a Man Much Younger Than Me & He Wants To Have a Long Term Committed Relationship: What Should I Do?

I Feel Uncomfortable With My Boyfriend’s Relationship With His Female Friend: What Should I Do?

I am a Successful, Independent Woman and I Drive Men Away: What Should I Do?

I Fear Being Single and Lonely Forever: What Should I Do?

I am Dating a Man Separated From His Wife and She Is Trying To Woo Him Back: What Should I Do?

I Like a Guy Who Doesn’t Believe In Marriage: What Should I Do?

I am Dating a Man Who Is Out Of My League and I am Not Sure the Relationship Will Last: What Should I Do?

My Boyfriend is a Natural Flirt and Checks Out Other Women: What Should I Do?

I Tend To Fall In Love Too Quickly; Too Hard And Drive Men Away: What Should I Do?

I Want To Cuddle With My Boyfriend Sometimes, But He Prefers To Have Sex: What Should I Do?

I Want My Boyfriend To Propose But I am Not Sure He Will Do It Anytime Soon: What Should I Do?

I am Falling For My Boyfriend’s Friend: What Should I Do?

I Would Like To Have a Prenuptial Agreement But He Doesn’t: What Should I Do?

Should I Walk Away From Him To Get Him To Commit? – A Relationship Expert Shares Must-Know Insights on Exactly What You Should Do

Exposed: The Magical Text That Makes Almost Any Man Psychologically Addicted to You…