Q. My boyfriend and I are in an amazing relationship and we have a great sex life. However there are times I wish he just cuddles up with me rather than having sex with me all the time.
He has a really high sex drive and he is easily turned on. Even when we cuddle up to watch a movie, we end up making love. There are times when I have told him, I am too tired for sex; he understands and is totally cool with that. However I wish on those occasions he would at least hold me gently and snuggle. Just being held by him is incredibly romantic and I feel cherished and adored.
How do I tell him this without hurting his feelings?
A. Dear Reader,
The answer to this question will be multi-faceted being I don’t have the opportunity to ask you further questions to break down the scenario and the psyches involved. I invite you to read my response and honestly take from it what fits in with your situation.
First off, depending on a man’s age, they can have tremendous sex drives.
This is something that nature intended in order for procreation to occur. If this is the case, it would serve you best to speak your truth in all areas. If it is cuddling/affection that you are craving at a specific time, be willing and assertive enough to speak your truth. He can not know how or what you are feeling/wanting if you do not tell him. This is not the place to worry about “hurting his feelings.”
Oftentimes in life when we hold back our truths in order not to hurt feelings, we are shying away from the very thing that could bring growth into that relationship.
If you really find yourself stuck in this area, it might be time to reevaluate your level of self-confidence and work to strengthen your core so that you are willing to speak up in order to design a relationship that fits your desires as well.
Secondly, you may be worried that speaking your truth will push him away.
If that does indeed happen, then you must honestly recognize that the relationship (for him) may have been based on sex and your needs/wants are not priority status in the relationship. Good relationships are built on mutual love and respect and if this is not what you are getting, it may be best to move on.
Thirdly, oftentimes people (men and woman) may use sex as their “distraction” in life.
A distraction is something that brings them out of their “thinking” brain and into their “being” brain. Examples of this may be: Drinking, drugging, excessive buying, exercise etc. If this is the case, your person may be “using” (and I don’t mean that derogatorily) your sexual relationship in order to quiet his mind. It will take a lot of digging to unearth this if this is what is happening because for most it is a very unconscious behavior.
The answer to this would be for him to find a way to quiet his mind without external sources. Note: I had this particular situation in a relationship and once it was openly spoken about, his excessive sexual tendencies calmed down considerably and relaxed into a more “normal” zone.
And last but not least, if the relationship is new, he just may be highly turned on by you and simply can not get enough!
If this is the case, it will usually slow down over time and the natural flow of sexual energy will reveal in perfect order.
I hope this will shed some light on your situation.
Thank you for your letter.