July 24, 2017

Interview with Dr. Duana Welch: How To Be a High Value Woman

Interview with Dr. Duana Welch_ How To Be a High Value Woman

Interview Transcript

Mike: This is Mike Hennessy. And on behalf of the team of LoveEvolveAndThrive.com, I’d like to welcome you to today’s interview with Dr. Duana Welch. Duana Welch earned her PhD in Developmental Psychology at the University of Florida Gainesville. She is the author of Love Factually: 10 Proven Steps from I wish to I Do as well as the popular relationship blog called Love Science, which addresses advice on how the public can benefit from empirical scientific research about successful relationships. To learn more about Dr. Duana Welch, visit her website at www.LoveScienceMedia.com.

Duana Welch, thank you so much for joining us today.

Dr. Welch: Thank you so much for having me here.

Mike: Dr. Welch, in your previous interview, you discussed how being hard to get can help women attract men. And there are some experts that say playing hard to get includes practices such as engaging in mind games or pretending to be someone you’re not. I really don’t think that’s what you are getting at. But would you mind sharing some practical insights and tips on how women can be desirable without being unauthentic or compromising their identity?

Dr. Welch: Yes, I’d love to do that. I think that this is a very important question. It’s basically asking how can a woman be hard to get without losing her self-respect? And so what I’d like to start out with is concept that there are some women today who are naturally hard to get. And what I know about them from the science is they have actually got very high self-respect.

So, I’m going to start off by describing these women who are being hard to get.

They’re not playing by the way. Playing is faking it. Being is actually inhabiting this as the way that you truly are. And so, I want to talk about what these women are like and then talk about why there are some women who would like to be like that or maybe they don’t want to be like that, maybe they find it abhorrent, why they feel awkward about doing this, and then how to resolve this issue.

So, women who are naturally hard to get, there’s kind of a profile for what they are like.

And the profile is first of all that they feel really good about themselves and about their lives and they work on their life that is, they have interests that fill their time, they have friends, they have family, they have a career or a job or school, or maybe they have all these things.

And so, their lives are actually pretty full.

So when somebody wants to spend time with them, they do the high status hard to get thing of allowing this person to work himself in instead of clearing the decks or the calendar for him. They have a rich and full life and anyone who wants to add to that is welcome to assert himself and put himself into that life but she is not going to be the one that clears everything out of his way. He’s going to have to find where he fits in.

Before, men have very high self-esteem, which is interesting. It’s often assumed that hard to get women have low self-esteem. But the high self-esteem woman, there are some things she just doesn’t do. I already described one of them which is she doesn’t drop plans for someone who shows up.

Let’s say, Ted wants to go out with her and he calls her on Friday evening for a date later that Friday.

First of all, she is probably not going to answer the phone because she is already busy and even if she is only busy with Netflix, she has a right to have the time for herself. And Ted is not yet part of her world so there’s really no reason to answer the phone on a weekend night.

But if she did answer the phone and he asks her out, she would have to say in a tone of genuine regret, “I’m sorry. I already have plans.” Because she does even if all her plans consist of watching Netflix, she had a plan to spend time with herself which she sees as a worthy endeavor by the way. She likes her own company. Or she has time spent – plan with a friend or a family member or a work project. At any rate, she is already busy. And she doesn’t say it in a bitchy way. She just says, “Oh, I really would love to see you but I just can’t do it now.

What the low self-esteem woman thinks is, “Boy, I better say yes at that last minute. I better clear the decks. I better tell my friend, “Oh, we were going to go out but now Ted called so I’ll catch you later, OK?” And she puts someone she doesn’t even know, ahead of people that she knows and cares about because she has lower self-esteem and she is terrified that Ted would not call again if she doesn’t make it easy for him.

What the science shows is if you make it easy for men, you get used.

I just can’t be clearer about this. Dr. David Buss – the Buss and Schmitt refer showed very clearly that men actually have two mating strategies going on at the same time, a short term and a long term strategy. And if they’re sincerely interested in a woman and she is very easily had sex and otherwise, they tend to move her into the “this right now” category.

In other words ladies, you can start out as him thinking about you as possibly Mrs. Right and you can get demoted without any notice or warning. Very quickly through your behavior of how easy to get you are, men like high self-esteem. And high self-esteem is not had at the last moment also just any reason.

The hard to get woman, she doesn’t necessarily think about this.

She just knows, “Hey, you know what? I already had friends with my friend, Tracy. And Ted called me at the last minute and I’m keeping my plans with my friend, Tracy, because I love Tracy and I don’t even know Ted yet.”

It’s not done from bitchy or a hottie place. It’s just, “I’m a person who has worth and dignity and my friend, Tracy, is a person who has worth and dignity and I’m sure Ted does too. But I don’t know Ted yet. I do know Tracy. I do know me. I’m keeping my plans.”

They also have high enough self-confidence to have faith that there will be other men who will pursue them. If Ted calls minute and she doesn’t answer the phone, this woman knows if he doesn’t call again, he really just wasn’t that into me.

Women, you can stop a man from pursuing you who wants you. You can’t. Think about all the cases of stalkers. Virtually, all of them are men who are stalking women, women who have actually been clear that they don’t want the guy and he is still coming after them.

If a guy is put off because you did not answer the phone, he wasn’t into you.

Maybe he wanted you to – maybe he was bored or maybe he was horny or a combination of the above and he wanted a place holder for the evening. But the man who really wants you is not going to be put off because you didn’t answer his call that night.

So, the high self-esteem, high self-confidence, high-“I’ve got a full life” hard to get woman, she just has an aura about her that she is good enough on her own and that she is going to act accordingly.

So, what are some of the specific things these women do?

Well, I’ve already mentioned a couple. They might not answer the phone on a weekend night or night that they already have plans. They will not be available at the last minute although they’ll never be bitchy about it. They’re just firm about it. They’re just, “Sorry, I’ve already got plans. Boy, I would have really liked to have seen you.”

But they’re not catty or coy. A lot of people confused being mean-spirited as being hard to get. They’re not mean-spirited. They simply have good boundaries.

These women avoid some really common pitfalls of women who are more desperate.

For example, it’s desperate frankly, to avoid making plans with your friends so that if Ted calls on Friday, Friday is open for him. Hard to get women don’t do that. They go ahead and plan their lives out. They don’t live on the edge waiting for someone to call.

Again, they know, “If he calls and I’m busy, he’ll call again if he likes me. If he doesn’t call again, he doesn’t like me that much. That’s OK. Someone else will like me that much.”

They don’t make excuses for men who don’t pursue them and they don’t pursue those men.

So in other words, the hard to get women, she knows, “If Ted is not calling me, it’s not because he had a terrible car accident or his fingers are broken or suddenly all his cellular networks went down.”

She knows that Ted has his reasons but they all let up to “he is just not into me” and they’re OK with that. They don’t feel like every man has to be into them. They feel like the one who really wants them will demonstrate this. And they’re right.

Hard to get women don’t treat men as if the guy has the same mating psychology that she does. Studies for the last 20 years done globally as well as nationally show that men and women have very different mating psychology.

Men and women are mostly the same. We mostly want the same things. But men want fertility and fidelity.

They don’t necessarily talk about it that way. They talk about wanting someone who is hot or wanting someone who is faithful, not easy. But they basically, scientists have been able to distill these things into fertility and fidelity.

And these women know that fertility means beauty and youth. So these women try to be youthful and beautiful. Most women try to do that.

Fidelity means, “I’m high status and I can say no to you.” What men implicitly think when you can say no to them, again, you’re saying no in a very kind and respectful way but you’re saying no to whatever it is, sex today, a date today, you’re saying no to yourself on inviting him to meet your mother when he has never even mentioned a shared future.

When women can hold back and wait and say no, what a man gets a sense of, “She is high status. She can say no to me. Therefore, she is saying no to other men. Therefore, she is a good bet to catch my genes forward and not someone else’s.”

Now, in the earlier interview I did at this site, I explained that men don’t do this on a conscious level. It’s unconscious. But women also have an unconscious mating psychology and it’s running the show for us and it’s running the show for them. And we don’t necessarily want the same thing.

So hard to get women are kind of naturally doing – in meeting the cues, the signals that men are looking for, they’re looking for the high status woman. That high status woman has high self-esteem which means she is capable of saying no and avoiding for whatever it is.

How does this translate into some other behaviors?

If you want to think about it as a rule of thumb, it’s as if you’re dancing. The guy is leading. The woman is following. But in this stance, she is not following his steps as he leads. She is following them a beat or two later.

So let’s say that his version of leading is, “I want to have sex with you right now.” Her version of following is, “Well, you know. I know it seems a bit old fashion but I’m just not ready for that.” Again, she is not bitchy. She just says no in a very kind and respectful way. If he’s playing with her, he’s gone. If on the other hand he was inclined to like her, it’s going to tip him toward her.

And so, she has high enough self-esteem to honestly say that. She is not just going to do that. And she also may follow this way. She is not try to get him involve with her friends and family before he has. He leads in that area. She then follows a little bit later.

She doesn’t say I love you first. He leads in that area. She follows when she is ready.

It’s interesting. I’ve heard from a lot of women who think, “Well, I’ve got to say I love him first because otherwise, how would he ever get the confidence to say it to me?”

Women, you need to understand, science is very clear on this, when men fall in love, they fall in love first, they fall in love more deeply, they are less likely to initiate a breakup and they get over a breakup more slowly. Men are more emotional than women are.

If he is not saying he loves you then he doesn’t mean it.

You do not need to lay out the roll of jelly beans for him to nibble along and follow you. He is a person who knows himself and if you need to manipulate him into saying his words, this is not a relationship that’s good for you. Hard to get women know that.

They don’t leave clues and hints. They’re kind of respectful. And if a guy loves, he’ll say so. And if he doesn’t, he would not.

So let’s talk about sex for a moment.

Hard to get women, some of them have a rule about, I wait until I’m engaged. I wait until I’m married. But most of them just have sex when it feels safe to them. And I’m going to tell you what the scientific – what the scientist has led me to understand a safe standard to have if you’re if you’re hard to get.

You wait until the man has asked you point blank without you asking him first, he has asked you not to see any other people. He has offered exclusivity.

Also, he has told you that he loves you and furthermore, he has proven it through his behavior. David Buss and other research show that men who are playing the field often will say that they love a woman because women think the words “I love you” mean “I’m going to commit to you”. And so, women tend to have sex with these men.

So he’s saying he loves you is not enough.

He does need to say it but he also needs to prove it in some way. And that proof might be the he brings you presents of that he is eager to introduce you to everyone he knows or that he talks about a shared future or all of the above. But he does these things. And so, you feel comfortable, allowing yourself to be physically intimate.

Now, some women out there who are listening to this may think, “Oh boy! I love sex. I just want to have sex. And I don’t see any need to find somebody who has offering love and commitment in exchange for it.” If that’s you, that’s fine. I’m not actually advocating that everyone find a marriage partner.

What I’m saying is most women actually do want that.

Most women want a permanent made-shift with full commitment, i.e., marriage. And for them, being hard to get is by far the smoother pathway there.

But what you want to do is play the field, then you do not need to listen anything more than I’m saying. The easiest way for a woman to have sex with any given man is simply ask for it. That’s not my opinion. Again, that’s science both in the United States and multinationally.

So if that’s what you want, you can easily get that. But a lot of women don’t know what hard to get is, which is fun talking about that.

OK. So, what’s going on with women who feel like hard to get is telling them to be someone that they’re not?

Modern culture has pretty much told women that they need to drop other boundaries and that they need to stop being hard to get to this game playing. It’s not game playing but they’re being told to do this. And so, women today feel terribly guilty about having any level of expectation or boundary around male behavior.

One thing I’m going to encourage you to do is listen to this interview again if you need to and remind yourself that actually, if the women with high self-esteem who are being hard to get that actually being hard to get indicates that you have high self-esteem, that you respect yourself enough not to take just anyone.

I think that people think that hard to get equates making men jump through hoops as if they were dogs. Actually, begging men to love you is not only clingy and desperate. But when you pursue them and you beg them through your behavior and your words to love you, you are manipulating this man. I don’t know if anyone who has ever spoken about it like this before but it is a manipulation.

Hard to get is actually the opposite of that when you are truly hard to get and not just faking it.

When you are truly hard to get, you actually are giving these guys so much faith because you’re dating several men at once and you’re not clearing the calendar and then making you feel guilty because he didn’t call you on Friday night.

If you are truly being hard to get, you are actually respecting him because if he doesn’t want you, you’re putting zero pressure on him to come and get you. If he does want you, he’ll put forth the effort. He really will. But if he doesn’t want you, you’re setting him free. And he’s free to find out how much he wants you.

Ultimately, hard to get does not manipulate men into loving you. It creates a tipping point. It very quickly eliminates men who would have played with you and nothing more. And it very quickly gets men who love you to realize, to emotionally connect with that love for you and to make a commitment. But the man is making that decision. All you’re doing is being distant enough to let him do it.

Women – this is really hard for us because women know what we want and when we have it. Men know what they want when it’s gone.

That’s a very distinct difference between the sexes. But women, if your response is to apply your own mating psychology to men and say, “Oh, I like it when someone is pursuing me and giving me everything I want and showing me a lot of love and affection and giving me a lot of sex and saying that they want to spend the rest of their lives with me. So I’m going to do that with a man.”

How men perceive that is since they know what they want when it’s gone, suddenly, they feel like your ankle weight dragging them down. It is not attractive to them. What’s attractive to them is without your intervention, without your pressure, without manipulation, them getting to figure out at a distance how much they love.

Now, what if ultimately it still feels like you’re faking it?

Then I would encourage you to do the following. On half the dates that you have, do it the way you’ve been doing it. On the other half of the dates you have, fake it until you make it. Doing the things high self-esteem women do and then see what works out for you better. But I will bet you, being hard to get is going to be where it’s at for you.

Mike: Dr. Duana Welch, thank you so much. Fascinating information today.

Dr. Welch: Thank you very much for having me again.

Mike Hennessy: This is Mike Hennessy and on behalf of the team at LoveEvolveandThrive.com, I would like to welcome you to today’s interview with Dr. Duana Welch. 

For free tips and thoughts on relationship advice for women, from hundreds of experts and authors, please visit our website at www.LoveEvolveandThrive.com.

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