July 15, 2017

Interview with Karla Downing: Signs of Emotionally Unavailable Men

Interview with Karla Downing_ Signs of Emotionally Unavailable Men

Interview Transcript

Mike: This is Mike Hennessy. And on behalf of the team at LoveEvolveandThrive.com, I am pleased to welcome you to today’s interview with Karla Downing. Karla Downing is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of ChangeMyRelationship.com. Go to www.ChangeMyRelationship.com for more information.

Karla Downing, thank you for joining us today.

Karla: Well, thank you for having me.

Mike: Karla, some of our subscribers tell us they face the problem of being attached to emotionally unavailable men. Can you give us an example of what an emotionally unavailable man is and how to spot one?

Karla: Yes. Well, an emotionally unavailable man doesn’t have the ability and/or desire to be present for you and your relationship. He would not offer real commitment nor will he give you what you need. This might be because he doesn’t want to, he’s happy with the superficial relationship, he isn’t available as in the case of a married man, or he isn’t able as is the case with a man who is not capable of that emotional connection.

So here are some of the signs.

He is busy. He doesn’t have much time for you. He has a lot going on and lots of reasons why he can’t spend more time with you. This may make sense at first but after a while, you may notice a pattern of excuses that sends you a clear message.

He is secretive. He may have a secret life and not want to bring you into it so he doesn’t bring you to his house, doesn’t bring you to meet his family or friends, doesn’t tell you a lot about his life, or is bothered when you ask too many questions. In other words, he might be married or have another relationship.

He disappears for long periods of time. It could be a week at a time or during the week or on weekends. And during these times, he doesn’t answer his phone or text and generally is vague about why he is unavailable.

He is irritated with you when you expect too much of him or when you get upset when he doesn’t have time to be with you. If he is not understanding when you complain about his lack of availability then it is a further sign that he doesn’t want to commit to you or give you anything more than he’s giving you now.

He is dishonest. If you catch him in lies, you have to be honest with yourself about what he is hiding. People lie for a reason. So if you have caught him being dishonest with you then he is covering something up.

He is not vulnerable. Men are different emotionally than women, yes. But if this guy keeps everything pretty superficial and he is not opening up so you can see him for who he is then this may signal his unwillingness or inability to have a deep relationship. As time goes on, he should let you into his heart. And if he isn’t then it may mean that he is not going to.

Next, he is isolating. If he doesn’t want to get to know your friends and family or step into your world, then he doesn’t want to get to know you and invest in your life. So if he just wants to get together with the two of you and not anyone else, it could mean that he isn’t wanting to invest in you.

Then here is a biggie. He talks about his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend a lot to where you can tell he hasn’t let go. He can be complaining about her and blaming her or talking about the good times and how he misses her. Either way, this is a signal that he isn’t really ready to move into a real relationship with you that has a future.

He is really into you or so it appears and then disappears for a long time without an explanation and then comes back into your life without a real explanation. This unexplained absence has a reason. He just can’t be honest about what it is.

What about if he doesn’t make plans with you ahead of time? It always seems like it’s last minute. This can be an indication that he has another life that you don’t know about or it can be that you’re not high on his priority list and he doesn’t want to make any commitments to you.

He breaks plans regularly. This means he doesn’t value your time together because he finds other things better to do or it can mean that something is going on that you don’t know about. Either way, if you are making a place for him in your life and find yourself waiting on him to make the same prioritized place for you, it indicates that you aren’t equally available.

He has lame excuses for not being available, for being late, for canceling, for disappearing, for being preoccupied, etc.

Also, your conversation never gets past basic things. He doesn’t want to talk about your relationship or how he feels about you or where it’s going. He doesn’t get deep about anything including his past of present life and oftentimes even the basic stuff feels vague. So you’re starting to realize that there are pieces missing.

He says he wants relationship but he doesn’t really talk about the future. He would not make future plans even though you’ve been dating him for quite a while or he has trail of broken promises. You can look back and see all the times he hasn’t been there for you, hasn’t called, hasn’t shown up, has cancelled things and has disappointed you. You’ve believed each excuse but now you can see a pattern and it’s not looking good.

You feel something is wrong but you can’t quite put your finger on it. Your friends and your family has been telling you that something isn’t right and you’ve ignored them. But you are now starting to wonder if they’re right.

And this is it, final. You know that he isn’t available but you’re hoping it will change even though you’ve been hoping for quite a while. You do not want to ignore these signs of an emotionally unavailable man. If you do, you’re going to be wasting valuable time in a relationship that is going nowhere.

Mike: Karla Downing, thank you so much for joining us today.

Karla: You are really welcome.

And this is Mike Hennessy. And on behalf of the team at LoveEvolveandThrive.com, I’d like to thank you for listening to our interview and wish you the very best in your relationships.

Our guest today was Karla Downing, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Change My Relationship at www.ChangeMyRelationship.com.

For free tips and insights on relationship advice for women from hundreds of experts and authors, please visit our website at www.LoveEvolveandThrive.com.

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