My Boyfriend Is Jealous and Possessive Of Me: What Should I Do?
Q. Hi, I have a boyfriend who is very possessive of me and gets jealous especially when I hang around with my guy friends. To tell you the truth, I actually like it because it makes me feel that he really likes me. Right now his jealousy doesn’t really bother me because he isn’t a control freak. He hasn’t yet asked me not to hang around with guys or stop talking with them nor does he check my phone or computer which jealous boyfriends usually do. He just tells me that he gets very jealous when I am with them. As of now, we don’t have any fights about this.
My question is should I be concerned about my boyfriend’s jealous nature or should I not worry about it since it hasn’t been an issue so far?
A. Dear Thinks She Doesn’t Have a Problem,
Sorry, but you do have a problem.
Your boyfriend is showing classic early signs of men who eventually become abusive with their partners, physically, emotionally or both. Domestic violence is a progressive pattern. It starts with jealousy and then grows gradually into possessiveness and control. Very few abusers start out hitting their partners. It’s a slow progression.
You think he is showing you love, and it makes you feel wanted and even powerful.
What he’s really showing you is his own deep insecurity. He is afraid that he’s not really worthy of love, and his response is to get you dependent on him so that you won’t ever leave him.
The process of making someone dependent takes time.
It’s about chipping away at her self-esteem, convincing her that nobody else will want her, that she is too stupid to make it on her own, and that she is lucky to have him. Obviously it takes a while to get someone to such a low point that they lose all self-confidence and will tolerate abuse. That’s why it’s important to pay attention to the early signs.
Jealousy and control have nothing to do with love.
They are about deep-seated insecurity and narcissism. Look at the family that he grew up in. Also look at your own family of origin. Domestic violence is a pattern that is transmitted over generations. If there are patterns of abuse in either family, get out now.
Sincerely,
Sally
About Sally LeBoy
Sally Leboy is a licensed Marriage and Family therapist, practicing in San Diego County for over 30 years. During this time, she has developed a particular expertise and reputation for working with relationship issues.
In addition to relationship issues, she works with individuals and groups with problems of anxiety, depression, stress, and life transitions.
To know more about Sally Leboy, visit her website www.sallyleboymft.com.