September 1, 2018

My Boyfriend Wants Me To Move In With Him But I Am Not Sure: What Should I Do?

My-Boyfriend-Wants-Me-To-Move-In-With-Him-But-I-Am-Not-Sure-What-Should-I-Do

Q. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and recently he asked me to move in with him. Initially I was very excited until I had a conversation with my friends. A couple of them have been in committed relationships for about 5 years and a year back they moved in with their boyfriends. Now they feel that was a terrible mistake. They were expecting their boyfriends to pop the question but that hasn’t happened. They feel that living together is the reason for the delay in them getting engaged.

One of my friends said, “I thought we were going to get engaged last summer but since we have lived together, his response almost seems to be “What’s the hurry”. Before we lived together, he used to discuss future plans, talk about marriage and family but that hasn’t happened ever since I moved in. We still have a great relationship, he treats me well, loves and cares for me, but I am kind of disappointed.”

The other friend echoed the same as well. They thought living together before marriage brings about a “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” mindset. So they advised me not to move in.

I fear the same might happen to me. I want to get married because marriage is very important and I don’t want to get into a situation where I have to beg and worry about when we would get married and keep wondering if the reason for the delay is because I moved in.

Can you please advise?

A. It would be unfair to your partner to assume that he will stall on a marriage proposal simply because your friends’ mates have done the same.

One or two unfortunate situations won’t always beget another.

Before any significant life decision, it’s imperative that you discuss your expectations for the situation.

  • Have you spoken about what it means to move in together?
  • How long you wish to live together before marriage?
  • Whether or not your special someone even wants to get married?

These questions must be answered not only to clarify intentions and individual plans, but to assuage any concerns either of you have.

This would also be an excellent opportunity for your partner to ask any questions he may have or address any concerns about the process of moving in (How will this change your sex life (if at all), how much alone time you will each want/need, etc.).

If you have dated this person for four years, you already have a great deal of understanding when it comes to the type of man he is.  Generally speaking, do you get the sense that he fears commitment/long term plans, makes promises he can’t keep or looks for the easy way out? If not, there is no reason to assume that he will delay a marriage proposal.

In addition, I would encourage you to think seriously about why a marriage proposal is so important to you.

Marriage is a wonderful union full of joy and love but it is not a magical force that changes the core of your relationship. Women sometimes crave a proposal to feel more secure in the relationship or because of a long standing, fairy tale image of that special day. 

A wedding is not the same as a marriage and each of you must gain clarity as to why you want to be married before you worry about when he’ll propose or end up consumed by fear that he won’t. There is of course, nothing wrong with wanting to be married. Just be sure to understand why before moving forward.

Once you’ve had an open, honest, detailed conversation, you will have a great deal of information to work with.

Assuming your communication is strong and you are each persons of your word, you should have little concern with taking your relationship to the next level, even after you move in together.

Best of luck to you!

About Allison Cohen

Allison Cohen

Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT is a licensed, private practice psychotherapist, with 11 years experience in individual and couples therapy.

With offices in Beverly Hills and Tarzana, CA, Allison specializes in aiding clients that struggle with life issues including self esteem, partner dynamics, family of origin conflict, identity formation, communication skills, intuitive eating, anxiety and depression.

She uses a kind but direct approach to provide concrete tools for life long change.  She believes that the client is the expert on themselves and through an eclectic combination of orientations, she works to bring out the best version of the client that they can be.

She is a member of the California Association of Marriage Family Therapists, Divorce Transition Professionals and Psi Chi (the International Honor Society of Psychology).

To know more about Allison Cohen, visit www.lifeissuespsychotherapy.com.

You can find her on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Allison-Cohen-MA-MFT/132037466865269.

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