- in Intimacy
In this video, relationship adviser Evan Marc Katz advise women to practice sexclusivity. That is, unless you're a woman looking for a no-strings attached hook-up, you shouldn't sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend.
The reason for this is so that you can weed out the players and the users early on. Far too often, far to many women have become emotional wrecks after sleeping with a guy they went on a few dates with and finding later on that he has no interest whatsoever in having a relationship with her. Sexclusivity offers the closest thing to a foolproof way to protect yourself from that kind of pain.
Despite this logical rationale for sexclusivity, it has been a rather controversial idea especially among strong, independent, and smart women. The following are some of the criticisms and how they were adressed in this video:
Sex doesn't keep a man who doesnt want to be kept
This is true but sexclusivity is not about trying to keep a guy. It’s about making a good decision as to whether he’s boyfriend material or not. When he keeps following up, then he is more likely to be a good candidate for a boyfirend; it gives you a better picture of his character. Besides, men value something more when it’s harder to get.
This is why so many women feel used
The argument is that a woman waits for six weeks and when he gets what he wants, he’s gone anyway – and the woman is left feeling used. This is actually far from most realities – guys don't really wait six weeks just to get laid. If he’s in it just for the sex, he’ll bolt the moment you give him your sexclusivity speech. When he can’t get it with you, he'll just look ealsewhere for an easier lay. Men don’t really need to lie or make promises they can't keep just to get sex.
Women are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Some women complain that they can’t seem to get it right: sleep with him the first night and she’s too easy; wait too long, and the guy will get it somewhere else. The answe to that? Women don’t have to choose between two extremes, but to find a middle ground. This is the sweet spot between his need for instant gratification and your need for emotional safety.
To wrap it up, sexclusivity is not about manipulating a man or restricting your choice. When you sleep with someone who is not your boyfriend, you increase your chances of getting your heart broken by selfish, emotionally-unavailable, and comitment-phobic guys. At least when he explicitly proclaims his commitment to you, you know where you stand and you build your relationship on firmer foundations.
About Evan Marc Katz
Billed as a “personal trainer for smart, strong, successful women,” dating coach Evan Marc Katz has been helping singles find love since 2003. Thousands of his clients have fallen in love, gotten married, started families, and found happiness – after only a few months of coaching. It’s an unlikely career for a man – much less a man who was called a “serial dater” by CNN- yet that’s what makes Katz such a unique coach. By helping women understand men – what they think, how they act, and what they really want – he empowers them to make healthy, informed choices in love.