November 9, 2018

How Do I Overcome My Insecurities As the Relationship Moves Forward: 4 Brilliant Insights Revealed Inside

How Do I Overcome My Insecurities As the Relationship Moves Forward

“A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.”

~ Mandy Hale

# The safe haven of the relationship will give you security to prove your insecurities wrong

We all have insecurities

We learn them, from our history with other people.  Part of moving forward in a relationship is expressing to each other what makes up your insecurities.  If someone says they do not have any then they either do not know themselves well or just don’t want to admit it. 

Insecurities have to deal with many things in our lives

It can be loud noises caused by abuse or difficulty expressing confidence caused by a disapproving parent or needs to have the last word caused by someone that dismissed their opinion or on and on.  You can get nervous easy or blush easy or be embarrassed or never want to show emotion or anything.  

Our history with the numerous people in our lives have “taught” us to question ourselves, decisions, directions, worthiness, strengths, weakness and so much more.  Anything that you may feel “ticky” about or fear or nervous about or any negative feeling emotion word you choose, and you have found an insecurity. 

Flip side, we also learn good from the people in our history.  For this topic we are only talking about the history teaching us insecurities

The point is we are not “messed up” because we have insecurities.  It is part of what makes us who we are.  If we are with someone that is meant to “fit” in a relationship with us then they will understand, respect and help you with those insecurities. 

No one person can handle, cope or live with every insecurity out there.  

We feel connections with those who can handle, cope or live with our individual insecurities.  If someone can not handle an insecurity we have, then they don’t really fit into our lives.  It does not label them bad or good, just whether or not they are a good fit. 

Now do you want to drop many insecurities on someone just to get them out of the way when you meet.  No.  You learn about each other gradually and that includes your insecurities.   Talk to each other, spend time with each other.  See if you “fit” together by learning who each of you are. 

Insecurities will show on their own, just be honest about them

Say how you feel and say if you can or can not deal with those insecurities you see.  You overcome them together, and others you learn to cope with while not getting rid of them, but you grow in your relationship because of differences, not in spite of them. 

So it is not you overcoming an insecurity alone, it is a couple process

The safe haven of the relationship will give you security to prove your insecurities wrong.  You will encounter insecurities all along your relationship.  Some stronger then others.  Address them together.  Couple means you are not alone.  Enjoy that in having someone, even when it comes to the tough stuff like insecurities. 

Respect who you are with all your strengths, weakness, and even insecurities. You deserve that from who you are with and from yourself. 

Katherine Woodworth, LPC, CRC –​

# Consider the below possibilities

I believe that it’s important to be specific about what is driving your insecurity.

For example, you may have:

  • Doubts about your worthiness for love.
  • Doubts about your lover’s feelings for you.
  • Doubts about whether this relationship will last the distance.
  • Doubts about all of the above.

But, beneath these doubts, there are deeper issues that are useful for you to uncover, because I imagine that feeling insecure in relationships is a pattern for you.

So, here are some possibilities for you to consider:

  • That you often make up stories about a lover’s commitment and sincerity based on very little evidence.
  • That your insecurities are really not caused by your lover -- they are created within you. They are about your faulty beliefs.  For example, you might have a mistaken belief that you are not enough or that you aren’t worthy of love.
  • That your insecurity and doubt as regards love and relationships are really about fear.  Your fears. That’s important because fear is a rotten partner when it comes to love as it propels us into relationships that are not good for us.

But, let’s put the focus back on you and this particular relationship.

I wager that you are skipping ahead much too quickly. Why do I say that? Because these are early days in your relationship. And after all, you are only just getting to know each other, yes?

So here are some suggestions for you to consider in this stage of the relationship:

Take your time. Relax and enjoy your time together. See this as an exciting time of discovery about this relatively new person in your life. See it as an adventure.

Don’t over-invest too early in the relationship. Just because things are going well right now, doesn’t mean that this relationship will endure in the longer term. But even if it doesn’t, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that it wasn’t an experience worth having. And that leads to the next point.

Keep your expectations realistic in this early phase.  You are testing the waters with each other. There is no time limit on the getting-to-know-you stage, because you are continuously experiencing each other in different situations and that takes time.

Don’t mask who you are.  Be open and honest about what you need and want in a relationship as opposed to trying to be the person you think your lover wants you to be. In the long-term this will pay off, because healthy relationships aren’t built on falsities and pretense.

Ask your lover what their needs, desires and expectations are in a relationship so that you can see if yours and his are aligned. This exploration won’t likely happen in just one conversation, but over a series of them. So take it bit by bit.

If you feel that you can’t be yourself (i.e. be open and honest about yourself), question yourself as to why. If desperation appears any where on the list, then you need to take heed.  Desperation, a relative of fear, drives unhealthy choices.

Avoid neediness on your part. Don’t sublimate your needs and desires in order to please your lover.

Note what your lover says and does or doesn’t say and do. Don’t justify any concerns that come up. Just note them for later exploration with this person when the time is right.

Mary Rizk, Transformative Coach - 

# Learn to love and trust yourself

As a relationship moves in the desired direction, you’d think people would feel more secure.  However, the truth is the more invested you are and the closer you get to your partner, the more vulnerable you are.

An obvious vulnerability is the possibility that the man you love will leave you.  Especially if you have experienced past abandonments, the fear of being left can be overwhelming.  There are other vulnerabilities as well.  We tend to give our partners a lot of power in terms of our self-definition.  We want their approval and can become dependent on their opinions and feedback.  We feel happy when they approve of us and scared when they don’t.  I think this vulnerability, while present in many types of relationships, is more acute in an intimate relationship.  Marriage really ups the ante!

You can’t protect yourself from some level of vulnerability

Once you love, you have a lot to lose.  However, if you hold yourself back to try to be less vulnerable you miss out on the intensity of loving and being loved.  It’s a very high price to pay for safety.

I think the best way to overcome insecurity is to learn to love and trust yourself.

If you know that no matter how much you might lose you will be ultimately be ok, you will be able to tolerate potential loss in whatever form it comes. Loving yourself makes you less vulnerable to other people’s criticisms too. Of course it hurts if your partner is angry or disappointed in you, but ultimately only you can be your own, best judge.

Love, change, opening up are all bound to create some insecurity. Anytime you give up some level of control you are bound to feel insecure, because you can’t be sure of the outcome. To love is to risk, but it’s usually worth it.

Sally LeBoy, MFT –

# Always try to evolve as the relationship moves forward

What do you know about your self-esteem? 

In general, self-esteem is the mental image you hold about who you are and it will reflect your insecurities and doubts. As you move through your relationship, your self-esteem will naturally improve, since you will start feeling more confident and comfortable with your partner. But as you know, you will have moments of insecurity and doubt that leave you feeling inept and uncertain.  Why does that happen and what can you do about it?

Be the best person you can be with your partner.

In other words, are you sincere, friendly, authentic and a person of integrity?  If you are, you can feel proud of yourself, because he’ll be looking and that should make you feel happy and secure.

Feel beautiful from the inside out.  It doesn’t matter if you are not a size 5.  There are plenty of women who feel comfortable just as they are and are able to exude that air of satisfaction, confidence and esteem all the time.  Do you feel like that person?  Your beau will notice you and appreciate that positive energy.

Always try to evolve as the relationship moves forward

You do that by being “kinder and gentler” to yourself.  Acknowledge how you’ve changed to make the relationship work and also remain aware of what you need to do to keep it successful.  Be sure to discuss your concerns with your partner and be open to his responses as well. 

Relationships are always a work in progress, but the more you understand how your security in the relationship depends on YOU, the more you will grow with it.  You are a loving, desirable person, who deserves to feel loved and special. Virginia Satir says, "I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me.  I am me and I am Okay."

Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – 

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