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September 28, 2018

What To Do When He Becomes Distant and Cold – 9 Relationship Experts Reveal Exactly What To Do

What To Do When He Becomes Distant and Cold

“A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.”

~ Mandy Hale

# Follow the below steps
Martha Arnett

It’s a typical day... you go to work, hit the gym, grab a coffee with a friend and head home looking forward to catching up with your boyfriend over a quick bite.

But, when you arrive home, you find that he is withdrawn and cold. You ask him what is wrong because the last time you spoke, all was well. He says he doesn’t want to talk about it or perhaps his answers are curt. Confused, you review all of the interactions you’ve had with him lately, trying to understand why he is acting this way. You begin to question yourself and assess what you could have done or said to have caused his withdrawal.

Initially, you feel sad that he won’t talk to you about whatever is bothering him.

Then anger starts to creep in, or maybe you feel like withdrawing now too. “Why does he do this? Doesn’t he know that he can just talk to me about whatever is bothering him? I feel like I am always walking on eggshells so I don’t upset him!” And on and on go your thoughts and then your mood takes a turn for the worse.

So, here’s the super important part….even though it is almost customary to hear,

“You made me mad” or “You made me feel stupid”, no one can actually “make you” feel any particular way. We each see and feel the world through the lens of our own personal history.

Here’s an example...say you and I are both on snapchat at the same time. We both receive the following message, from the same person, at the exact same time: “You are such an idiot!” Let’s say you absolutely know that you are smart and you have zero history or insecurity with feeling stupid. You feel nothing from that comment.

Alternatively, I have a painful history of being ridiculed for a learning disability that earned me the label of “stupid” from my teachers and peers.

That particular comment may sting quite a bit and linger in my thoughts and emotional being for awhile after it is said. Same moment in time, same person making the same comment to us both, yet I am hurt and you aren’t affected in the least bit. This is what I mean when I say that no one can “make us feel” any particular way.

Rather, our history and unresolved pain will inform how we experience a comment or behavior of another. This said, it is our responsibility to be accountable for and work to heal the parts of ourselves that hold emotional history.

So-what do you DO when your man gets triggered and acts cold?

First and foremost, take three (and I mean three) deep, slow breaths. Give your mind, your nervous system and your body a moment. Secondly, don’t initiate a conversation with him if YOU are feeling triggered (sad, angry, needy, scared). That will only worsen the situation and likely intensify the unwanted behavior of your partner.

See if you can center yourself (sink into your place of knowing and compassion for YOU), and get clarity that this is about his personal history and has nothing to do with you. Also be mindful that he may have no awareness about why he got triggered. We often don’t know why we emotionally respond to an event or a comment (therapy can help you to understand these parts of yourself.)

Next, see if you can access compassion or neutrality, for both him and you in that moment.

Loving and supporting yourself in these moments is the key to a healthy relationship with yourself and ultimately with your partner (just like on the airplane where you must put the oxygen mask on first before you can help another).

Then, acknowledge that it appears that he desires space and time to himself and you want to honor that part of him. This can be tricky if your parts are triggered and what you really want to say is “ WTF??? Get over it!! Or at least, “Would you frickin talk to me about it??? I’m not a mind reader!!!”

Then BEFORE you initiate a conversation with him at all, see if by acknowledging your own feelings, you can step outside of the intensity of your feelings and speak for the feeling, not from it. This is a super important skill and incredibly useful mantra….Speak FOR my parts, not FROM them.

When you speak for them, you speak from your place of compassion and kindness and not from the part of you that carries the frustration or anger. When you can do this, even a little bit, the person you are speaking to will feel less attacked and ultimately more open to sharing with you what is going on for them.

Finally, honor the parts of him that are asking for space.

After you have spoken FOR your parts “Joe, when you withdraw like this, it is upsetting for me and yet I want to give you the space you need. When you feel like you are ready to talk let me know.” Hopefully one day, Joe will try to understand what it is within him that causes him to withdraw. Until then, you now have the tools to take care of yourself when your man turns cold.

Martha Arnett, MSW, LCSW – www.centered-psychotherapy.com​​​​

# Be patient and approach him with curiosity

There are many reasons why he might become distant or cold.

At the core of your anxiety regarding his behavior is the question of whether he is losing interest in the relationship. It is normal to worry if he is losing interest if he becomes distant. This may or may not be the issue. The best strategy in this kind of situation is to ask him how he is doing and how he is feeling. Give him the opportunity to talk to you. Be mindful not to get defensive or make it about you when you talk to him about why he might be distant. Let him know that you are available to talk.

If he has pulled away and it is more than a few days, there may something else going on.

When he is cold or distant, is it because he is moody, or does it mean he is losing interest? If he has become distant to the point that he has stopped returning calls or texts, then he might be losing interest. Did he check out for a few days after something happened? Did he have something else in his life happen that might make him behave this way?

A client told me that the man she was dating pulled away 6 weeks after they started dating. She felt that they were moving forward and had a good start to the relationship. She was worried that she was going to get hurt because he was not as available and as attentive as she wanted him to be like when they first started dating. When I asked if she thought anything was going on in his life that might explain his behavior, she mentioned that he lost his job and his father had been diagnosed with cancer.

I explained to my client that despite his initial excitement at the beginning of the relationship, these recent changes in his life might be the reason for his distance. She was worried that she could not be there for him and support him given these new developments. She was honest with him and he stopped calling and returning her texts.

We discussed that he probably did not have the capacity to attend to a new relationship and so the issue was not about losing interest but the timing. He could not give the relationship the attention it needed to develop. At first, she took it personally. After some discussion, my client realized that his situation caused him to be unavailable and that he needed the space and time to focus on finding a job and emotionally supporting his family.

Men and women have different styles of communication.

Men often think about something and make a decision. The problem is that he might forget to tell you what he decided. Some men withdraw and become distant when they are dealing with stress or are emotionally overwhelmed. This may be the way he copes with his emotions or something that is bothering him.

Women process as they speak and are more inclined to discuss their feelings with others. Women are more open about talking about their problems. Men are not. Men do not like to appear weak and often struggle with vulnerability. He may not share something with you because he is embarrassed or afraid of how you will react.

Be patient and approach him with curiosity.

Do not get defensive if he does not want to share his feelings with you initially. He might become distant as a way to protect himself or keep from feeling vulnerable. It may take him some time to open up to you especially if you are in the early stages of the relationship. He needs to know that he can trust you with his feelings and it may take him time to share something with you.

Don’t force him to share or belittle him if he is not ready to share. He may worry that you will judge him for how he feels. With time, he will be able to be vulnerable with you.

Red flags

Is it unusual for him to be distant? Is this a pattern or is this the first time you are noticing this behavior? Is this what he does when he is moody? Did he become distant after something you said? Is the relationship solid? Have you been dating for a while?

These are important questions to ask when gauging the context of his behavior. It can be difficult for men to express emotions and his way of coping may be to become cold and distant. Be mindful if this is a pattern for him if it happens every time you have a disagreement. This is a passive aggressive way of punishing you for disagreeing with him.

If he shuts you out and distances himself on a regular basis, this may be his communication style.

If this style is not working for you, address it sooner than later. If he is willing to work on communication and be engaged in the relationship, this is a good sign. If he refuses to work on it and keeps repeating this behavior, you need to recognize it for what it is and determine if this is going to work for you in the relationship.

If he recognizes behavior and works on it, then give him some time to change. If he continues to do it, then it might be time to call it a day, especially if this behavior is not changing after you brought it to his attention.

Keep the lines of communication open.

Men that are in tune with their partners may not want to burden them with their problems. If he knows that you become easily stressed, he might think that it is easier to keep things to himself. He may have enough to worry about without adding stress to the relationship by sharing his problems with you. At the same time, confronting issues together makes the relationship stronger. It helps to develop trust and confidence between partners.

Work on being able to agree to disagree. Don’t be needy when he is asking you for attention. Don’t talk over him when he is trying to tell you something. He may start slowly when trying to let you in so don’t cut him off before he has finished talking.

If you really care about him, show him with your words and actions. Hold his hand or hug him to comfort him if he seems distressed. Don’t give advice or tell him what to do when he is done sharing. Ask him what he wants to do and let him process his thoughts with you. This will help you earn his trust.

Keep in mind that if you are in the early stages of the relationship, he may not be used to communicating how he is feeling.

Again, be open and available to listen to him without judgement or demanding behavior. Give him time to develop the confidence and trust he needs to express his feelings. Listen to what he is saying and do not be dismissive of his needs. Men are more fragile than they can seem on the surface.

Defensive behavior from a man may signal that he is afraid of being hurt. Be gentle and compassionate in your approach. Treat him the way you want to be treated and respect the way he feels even if you don’t feel the same way.

Ileana Hinojosa, MLA, LMFT – www.themindfullife.net

# Dating and relationships are more of a dance and in situations where men become cold and distant, and take space, it is best to let go

In most relationships, emotions tend to ebb and flow.

There are times when one is a pursuer, and times when one is  pursued. Nothing ever stays the same. The challenge for most women is learning how to navigate the murky waters of our own emotions, and how to allow our partners to feel their feelings and honor them- even when they are not the emotions we would prefer that they felt in that moment. 

In most areas of our lives, being a proactive go-getter is the surest way to success.

However, relationships are different. There are two people involved with their own agendas. Although our natural instinct may be to push for what we want, the result can often end up pushing someone else away, of they are already pulling away. Dating and relationships are more of a dance. And in situations where men become cold and distant, and take space, it is best to let go.

Who knows why men often become distant? It is not your job to figure that out.

There are a million different reasons, ranging from stress at work, their own physical or emotional issues, or maybe they are not that into you. It's your job to remain first and foremost committed to your self, your goals, and knowing what you deserve. You have to remember that you are the prize. Anyone that isn't fighting for your attention and love, does not deserve all of your heart. 

Let them take the space they need.

And either they will come running back, realizing how special and important you are- in which case you can reevaluate. Or, they will move on. And, in that case, you must realize that the right one for you, that deserves your love, will never let you go. Have faith in love, and most important your own self-worth. 

Dr. Alisa Ruby Bash - www.alisarubybash.com

# Follow the 4 tips below

A healthy relationship is built on a foundation of trust, respect, and open communication

Human beings are flawed by nature so we all have our moments and hard days when we struggle to connect.  Relationships require us to relate to one another and work on it daily to strengthen the bond. 

What happens though when one partner becomes distant and cold?  Over long periods of time, when one person feels shut out and not cared for, the trust and once firm foundation begins to weaken and crack.

Our relationships can be made vulnerable when there feels to be a disconnect.  When one partner is treated with disrespect and care, the relationship forms an unhealthy dynamic.

Here are a few points to map out on your relationship’s journey when one partner begins to behave in a cold and distant manner.

1. Check-in with your partner and have a full conversation.

When we check-in with someone we can get a read on why perhaps they are behaving the way they are.

When we ask our partners how they are doing in a sincere and thoughtful way, we can begin to identify if they are perhaps stressed about something in particular or are experiencing a struggle.  This doesn’t give someone the right to shut a person out, although it does provide context for the situation.

2. Name your non-negotiables

Is open communication a value to you?  Is trust and emotional connection important? 

If so, it’s essential to name clearly what you value in a relationship and in a partner. 

It’s important to be clear with your partner to share your non-negotiables.

Hearing your partner’s response will be important to determine if they are validating what matters to you when it comes to a relationship.

Assess whether the distant and cold behavior is ongoing and a cyclical pattern of unhealthy behavior.

If so, then perhaps share how your partner’s behavior impacts you and what behaviors you would like to see instead.

It is helpful to seek outside professional support for you or you and your partner should the relationship cause feelings of suffering and stress.

3. Create healthy boundaries.

Define what respectful behavior looks like to you.

Unhealthy behavior can include stonewalling and behaving a cold and distant manner.

Take inventory.

Assess ways you can improve your behavior, state feelings directly, and strengthen your assertiveness to share difficult feelings with your partner.

4. Have compassion and love for yourself.

People will show you how they feel about you through their actions, so consider how people’s treatment of you makes you feel and act accordingly.

Life is a short and precious gift so consider carefully who you are spending your time with and energy on.

Brooke Campbell, MA, LCAT - www.creativekinections.com

# When you observe behavior in your partner that’s challenging for you to deal with, don’t allow it to go on and on without confronting it in some way

Rarely do relationships change totally out of the blue without any type of warning what-so-ever.

Granted, there are cases, but they are not the norm. Sure, you may be caught blind sighted and seemingly unaware on some things. But for the most part, if you’re paying attention to what’s going on around you and in your life and relationship, you’ll get some type of a hint that something is off.

The thing is, when you get these subtle hints, do NOT ignore them. For whatever the reason, just know that they are there to teach you something.

When you observe behavior in your partner that’s challenging for you to deal with, don’t allow it to go on and on without confronting it in some way. It could be something so simple as sharing you noticed something different and wanted to do a check in and make sure everything is okay.

Who knows, it could be something legitimately wrong with him. And certainly, you don’t want to just bail out on him because he has a problem. Whether it’s a mental illness or he had a trigger from something else, you still deserve an explanation.

By NO means should you pretend nothing is wrong, when something is. For all you know it could be you. If you have a conversation about what’s going on it could be addressed and in the open.

If you’re dating a guy and he becomes distant and cold, WITHOUT any explanation, consider this a warning of future behavior. The question to ask yourself is, “Is this something I want to deal with?”.

It’s not fair to you to allow this type of unexplained behavior to continue. And remember, when you tolerate negative and unwanted behavior in the beginning of a relationship, you’re saying it’s okay.

I remember hearing Oprah Winfrey quote something she heard from Dr. Maya Angelou, saying, “When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time.” This is profound because behavior shows up in patterns. Nothing just shows up out of nowhere. Something is going on.

Ask questions. If you do not get answers, or if you are ignored, you may want to cry your tears and work towards getting out of this relationship sooner rather than later. If he gets distant and cold, let him be. If you don’t have any, you better get yourself some boundaries.

If you don’t understand boundaries, what they are and how they work, pick up the book, “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. This is the most comprehensive study about boundaries I have read that’s clear and easy to understand.

It has been said that we teach people how to treat us. What could you be teaching a guy who continues to show up (OR NOT) by disrespecting you? One thing is for sure. There is a problem. But, who’s problem is it? Who does this issue belong to?

If you do not like how someone is treating you, you have the right and the responsibility to do something about it. You are ultimately responsible for you and your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. And so is he. What you tolerate will linger. But, what you confront has an opportunity for change.

You must ask yourself if the consequence is worth it. If it is, do nothing. But, if it is not, you owe it to yourself to change what you can to make your life better. This is your responsibility and no one else’s. What will you choose?

Barbara Ann Williams, LPC, MS – www.barbaraannwilliams.com

# Evaluate the below options

One of the major complaints I hear in my office is that people desire increased intimacy within their relationships and often can feel lonely even when in a committed relationship and are at a loss as to why this is.

Chances are, we have all felt this distance with our partner at one time or another. There are multiple reasons for this and in an effort to be succinct only the most common explanations are covered here.

First, it’s possible this has nothing to do with you.

Sometimes communication breakdowns or stress result in us turning inward and processing what we are going through by ourselves. It’s possible that your partner has not been used to being able to talk about what is going on with them or doesn’t want to burden you with their problems. Maybe they don’t think you would understand as it has to do with a topic that you don’t have any interest in or aren’t involved with.

For example, perhaps they have something stressful happening at work and can’t communicate with you about it because you have different careers and it’s likely you won’t understand.

Try to be compassionate at these times, avoid turning it into something about you, and offer to listen if they feel like sharing.

Being a supportive partner often requires being selfless at times (not all the time!) and understanding that space is required for all of us at times. When our partner becomes distant some of us feel the desire to be needy and clingy and this is the opposite of what is needed at this time and will make it all about you.

Second, this can be an opportunity for connection.

Maybe you have become complacent in your relationship. It happens! The busy lives of modern society often do not foster the level of connection that we all require to maintain healthy communication within relationships.

If your partner seems distant and cold maybe it’s time to plan a date night so that you can re-connect. Maybe there hasn’t been enough opportunity to put down your phones, schedules, children, etc. to look each other in the eyes and remember why you choose to be together in the first place. 

Take the opportunity to check in with your partner and see how they are doing and share how you have been.

Explain that you are sensing the distance and would like to re-connect. Chances are they have been feeling this distance as well and will appreciate the opportunity to re-connect.

The third point is related to unresolved conflict.

There could be an unspoken problem or resentment. Again, the need for connection, emotional vulnerability, and communication are present here as well. Remember that you don’t always need to be right or need to “win” an argument. Remain receptive to what your partner has to say and consider it an opportunity for growth within the relationship.

Conflict is not a bad thing and shouldn’t be avoided unless you want your relationship to suffer. ​

Resentments are relationship poison and it should always be our goal to resolve them and strive not to create any new ones. Don’t pepper your partner with “what’s wrong?” questions until they lose their mind either, if they say nothing is wrong accept this and move on with your day. Again, you don’t always have to be right. 

Our minds will often concoct a worst-case scenario arrangement out of anxiety. You may be worried your partner is losing interest in you or has found someone new and is considering breaking off the relationship. These fears will often impact our behavior in unpleasant ways and are about you more than your partner.

Assess your insecurity and encourage yourself to think of all the possible reasons your partner may be feeling distant.

Some of these you have control over and solutions/ scenarios are listed above. For the ones that you have no control over, you cannot worry yourself through them and will have wasted a lot of time and energy should you do so and the impact it will have on your behavior within the relationship will be detrimental. Remember, the right person will work through problems with you and there will be nothing that you can’t achieve together.

Kate Kelly, MSW, LCSW – www.willowcreekwellness.com

# Open communication is the only way to get through this
Heather Gillam

We all have expectations on how our relationships with others are supposed to look like or work

However, the reality is that our expectations are very rarely met. Things beyond our control impact our relationships with others such as stress from work, different upbringings, cultural beliefs and values, and personality differences.  These can all interfere with our expectations and leave us disappointed.

When the man you are with seems to become distant and cold it's important to both examine your expectations and what could be causing this dissonance between what you expect and what’s happening.

First, take a good, honest look at your expectations.

Ask yourself if they are reasonable?  Are the expectations you have for your relationship tangible and capable of being met with the person you are with?  If not, ask yourself why? Is it too soon in the relationship to have these expectations? How well do you know this man?  Does he also share your expectations? Are you willing to let go of your expectations or adjust them to better fit the relationship between two different and unique individuals?

Asking yourself these questions will allow you to get a better perspective on what you want, where you have wiggle room, and what is really important to you in a relationship.  

Hopefully these will provide answers on how to approach the man acting distant and cold. While you might have figured things out about yourself, his input is vital as well. After all, it wouldn’t be a relationship if it was just you.

Secondly, consider what may be causing your man to act distant and cold.  

Is he under a lot of stress? Is he an introvert and you misunderstand his need to recharge his energy as “coldness,” taking his behavior personally?  Is the relationship getting really serious, making him uncomfortable where he pulls away, indicative of a possible avoidant attachment style?

Given what you discover, your significant other’s behavior may mean he needs support, he’s going through a stressful time, or the relationship is becoming emotionally intense and he’s unsure how to handle intense closeness.  

While it is helpful to consider what is behind his behavior, be careful not to make assumptions or hold too tightly to what you discover. Considering his experience is an exercise in empathy rather than problem solving.

Finally, talk to him.  Tell him what you notice about him, how it makes you feel using “I statements,” and ask him to help you understand his behavior.  

Open communication is the only way to get through this. The conversation may be difficult, but with it you can come to an understanding.  If the issues seem to stem from deeper concerns, such as differences in attachment styles, different expectations of the relationship, or difficulty communicating, and you are both committed to continuing the relationship consider seeking out a couples therapist who can help you overcome these obstacles as a team and develop a happy, healthy relationship with each other.

Heather Gillam, BA, MS, NCC – www.sisulumicounseling.com

# Explore the below 2 choices

When a man becomes distant and or cold there are a couple of things you can do; if you are invested enough in the relationship to even want to put energy into it.

The first one being simple; ask him about it.

Let him know that you notice him being distant. You can ask him if everything is ok with him or if he is needing space from you and the relationship. If this is a very new relationship and he might not even consider it a relationship at this point; most likely he is not as interested in this as you are.

I always think if you are interested in him, it is always a good idea to give it one chance, as in, asking him to make plans again. If he is still cold, does not respond or does not want to make plans with you, it is a good idea for you to see this as his lack of interest. 

If you are in a long time relationship and all of a sudden your partner is distant and cold; then you should explore that with him.

It could be a number of things, and perhaps he needs support from you. If it is that he is not wanting to continue the relationship, I hope he would be honest. If he is not able to say that directly and continues to be cold and distant then it will be up to you to decide if you want to keep investing in a relationship where you are the only one putting in the effort.

Remember that relationships take work but you should not be the only one doing the work. Your needs should be getting met as well.

Trisha Swinton, LPC, LMFT – www.trishaswintoncounseling.com

# Do nothing

I don’t think a woman should do much if a man becomes distant and cold

If it were me, I’d probably say something like, “You seem distant and cold.  Is something going on?”  Beyond that prompt, the man should be volunteering information on his own as to what is wrong.  It might not necessarily be related to the relationship.  It could have to do with some negative life event taking place at work or with family.  However, you’re not a mind reader and are affected by this change in his behavior.  He needs to talk to you.

How people handle difficulty is important information

In this case, you are seeing someone back away as opposed to stepping into a situation.  Backing away cuts down on the opportunity to problem solve. There really isn’t any completely personal experience when you’re in a relationship.  The partner is always involved to some degree as a result of proximity.  That’s why we owe each other information.  

No one should have to wonder what’s going on.  Letting you know that it’s something he has to deal with on his own can be enough to reduce your anxiety about  the possibility of something being wrong between the two of you.

Of course his behavior could signal that something is wrong between the two of you.  

However, shutting down and withdrawing is a terrible way to communicate that to you.  If problems develop for one partner or the other, they should be communicated immediately so that any possible reparative work can begin.  It’s so unfair for him to be brooding about something and then spring it on you when it’s too late to do anything about it.  

Withdrawing, cold behavior is punitive.  

Whatever the cause, it’s a signal to you that your partner doesn’t know how to communicate in a mature and useful way.  That could be a bigger problem than whatever is bothering him!

If his mood isn’t about the two of you, use it as a springboard to learn better communication and conflict resolution skills.  Relationships are difficult enough without having an effective approach to dealing with problems.

Sally LeBoy, MFT – www.sallyleboymft.com

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