September 7, 2018

He Texts Me But Doesn’t Ask Me Out- What Should I Do?

He Texts Me But Doesnt Ask Me Out

“A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.”

~ Mandy Hale

# Follow the 3 tips below
Dr. Joy McNeil

Woman meets man.  They exchange numbers. Texting ensues, as the standard level of communication. 

For many singles, the texting level is both an initial communication level and the burial ground of a relationship.  Endless texting without a significant, planned meeting can signal the death of a possible relationship.  

In an effort to keep it casual and nonchalant, the woman continues to engage in a mutual texting conversation that is cyclical, but ultimately goes nowhere.  However, there’s one caveat to mention:  Some women won’t admit the ending of a possible relationship to themselves until much later.

She won’t admit that she’s more than likely fallen into an endless sea of possibilities within his textable universe.  The attention he pays her via text feels like real connection.   In the excitement of the moment it’s difficult to remember that feelings are indeed temporary, as are experiments. 

Every scientist understands that an experiment with a hypothesis has a starting and stopping point.  Experiments do not go on forever, nor do texting relationships, or in this case “textships”.  

A textship is simply a conversation or conversations between two people using words, emojis, and abbreviations (lol, smh, wyd, etc.) to convey feelings or sentiment.

Are you dealing with a man who texts, but does not ask you out?  Understand that you ultimately control your thoughts and behavior regarding the man and the textship. 

Here are some points that can add some flavor to your decision-making process.

1. The force behind every textship is boundaries. 

Every textship needs a clear end point, that’s where the official “do you like me” meeting begins or where the textship ends and is buried.  A woman determines the terms and conditions of her end of the textship.  Sounds rather like legalese, but she is simply determining her role. 

Questions to ask yourself:  How long am I going to engage in this textship?  

My recommendation is no more than two weeks of textship without a clear, defined move for a face-to-face meeting.  What types of questions should I ask during the conversation? Make a list of fun, yet meaningful questions.  What are my expectations of this communication?  Set your standards and keep them there.  Based on the information gathered, am I going to go further? Make a decision and stick with it.

2.  Stay present in the moment. 

If you’ve created an entire relationship, engagement, wedding and marriage in your head to a person you don’t know, you’ve gone too far.  Do not pass Go yet.  A textship builds no real, tangible momentum, but when used properly it can provide clarity and information. 

In other words, a woman may think she desires to be asked out, when she really only desires information and the feeling (temporary) of being wanted.  Please remember it is not real until the face-to-face.  And, many people video chat, but that does not take the place of a genuine meet-up.  Show commitment through true presence. 

3.  Lack of clarity leads to lack of direction. 

Lack of clarity is a drug that keeps people clinging to the idea of the person, but not truly knowing the real person.  Whether meeting the person online or in the grocery store for a few minutes, lack of clarity (clear, definitive answers) leads to lack of direction. 

He may not ask you out because he’s not clear on what you want or what he wants.  He may not ask you out because he is used to women asking him out.  Furthermore, he may not ask you out because he has no intention to ask you ever.   

Perhaps he’s just experimenting.  He may be expecting an invitation to dinner at your home.  Many relationships never start because both people were never on the same page or in the same book.  The addiction to the romanticized version of the person won’t work.  

Be intentional about knowing the full person.  And, if the full person does not want to be known, there is someone out there that does desire to be known.  Women must place value on multidirectional communication and curiosity.  What did that mean?  Be curious.  Be open.  Develop conversation that just will not quit. 

Simple advice:  Don’t become so addicted to the idea of a person that you miss the intentions of the person. 

Relationships take time and effort; and in many ways, they are indeed intentional with the potential to be long-lasting.  Textships, on the other hand, can be time wasters, especially with no expected end or planned meet-up.  

Enjoy your textship temporarily.  Internalize your boundaries and standards.   Stay present in the moment.  Remember your direction and focus.  There are endless possibilities ahead, but a textship may have to be buried so that you can realize the greatness that is not only out there but in you as you date smarter, not harder. 

Joy McNeil, PhD, LPC, TFCBT –

# Explore the below 3 reasons
Jacklyn B

There could be different reasons why a man feels comfortable texting a woman but feels uncomfortable or not ready to ask her out.

One reason could be that he has an avoidant attachment style and that means that he’s more comfortable keeping you at a distance because that feels safe to him.

If this is the case then he most likely will not change his view of relationships only because people with an avoidant attachment style rarely ever change their attachment style. 

Another reason why he has not yet asked you out could be because he might not be ready to date yet.

Perhaps he has just gotten out of a relationship and has not yet healed his heart. He might just be looking around and getting comfortable talking to new women again. One way to find out if this is so is to ask him when his last relationship was. Ask him how that relationship ended? That will also give you clues about whether or not he has a broken heart. If this is the case, ask yourself if you’re willing to wait an indefinite amount of time for a man who is not ready for you yet.

A third reason why could be that he’s incredibly shy.

If this is the case, ask yourself if you feel comfortable asking him out. If you do ask him out and he declines then you know that he is not interested in dating you. It’s better to know sooner than later so that you do not develop strong feelings for him and then have to be heart broken. 

Jackie B, LCSW –

# Take a chance and let him know how you feel

Assess the nature of the relationship

Whether he asks you out can depend on what you text about and the nature of your relationship. Examine the nature of the relationship before you make your move. If you are friends and want more than friendship, you need to let him know. If he is shy, it might take him some time to ask you out. Don’t stay silent and waste time if you are interested in him.

Initiate if you are interested in more than a friendship

You can be the one to initiate if you want to take it to the next level. If he does not know you want more, he may never ask you out. Make sure that he is unattached and available before you make your move. If your texts have been flirty, he might be interested. The only way to know is if you make the fist move if you are tired of waiting.

Ask him out and see where it goes.

Ask him to go somewhere casual with you where there are other people to minimize the pressure of being on a “date.” Keep it simple and uncomplicated. Ask to meet for coffee or tea and put a limit on the time so you can feel him out.  Ask him to go to a party or public event with you. Be mindful of your expectations and do not be attached to the outcome. Go into the situation with an open mind and be relaxed, be yourself.

Do not be overly available and do not forget your boundaries.

Be mindful that you are setting the tone for the relationship by what you do with him when you first start dating. Do not be in a hurry and be honest about what you want. Be authentic and do not adjust your behavior based on what you think he wants from you or a relationship.

How do I know if he is interested?

If he is interested, he will ask to meet again. Let him know if you had a good time and that you would be interested in going out with him again. Don’t push too hard for a “next date” and give him some time to call you back.  Keep the first few dates simple and determine if you want more in terms of a relationship. Be mindful of initiating intimacy too soon if you are interested in a relationship. You want him to earn your trust and work to take it to the next level.

If he stands you up or goes missing, move on.

Give him one chance and then let it go if he does not follow through. Be mindful that he is not the type of guy that likes talking to different women but does not really want to date anyone or commit. Don’t waste your time with someone who is playing games or not serious about a relationship if that is what you want.

If you have been texting for a while, he may need time to adjust to being more than just friends with you. Be aware that if the relationship becomes more than a friendship and becomes romantic, you might not be able to go back to being friends if it does not work out.  Some people can go back to being friends after “dating” and others cannot.

Take a chance and let him know how you feel

If you pursue a relationship with him, there is always a chance that he will not be interested. There is always of chance of feeling hurt or rejected when you put yourself out there and let him know how you feel. Remember, men feel the same way and they are just as afraid of feeling hurt or rejected.  Depending on  the type of man he is, he may or may not be able to make the first move. If he has been hurt or rejected before, he might be more cautious about making the first move.  

There is a saying in Spanish, “el que no hablaDios no lo oye." This means that “God does not hear the one who does not speak.” Don’t expect him to read your mind. Some men need you to spell it out, so take a chance, go slow and see where it goes. He might appreciate your initiative more than you know.

Ileana Hinojosa, MLA, LMFT –

# Ask yourself the below 3 questions
Heather Gillam

Texting is quickly becoming the primary way most of us communicate

We can reach out to someone in an instant and get a equally instant response.  However, just because this form of communication is quicker and more direct doesn’t always make it easier to express our desires and wishes to one another.

If you are dealing with a man who is texting you but hasn’t asked you out yet, ask yourself these three questions:

1. Does he know I’m interested in him romantically?

You might answer by saying, “of course he does, I’ve been flirting this whole time!”  I’d like to challenge that thought. A lot of nonverbal communication is lost when we text each other such as tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions.  It's easy to misunderstand the meaning of a text.

So, while you think you’ve been obviously flirting with him, he may have misinterpreted your meaning. Consider using emojis which may help him in more accurately interpreting your intentions.

2. What is stopping me from asking him out?  Expectations on how relationships should start?  Fear of offending him?

Sometimes it feels good to be pursued by a man.  However, this isn’t the 1950’s and it is more acceptable to reject the traditional gender norms and scripts influencing our interactions with the opposite sex.  So why not ask him out if you’re interested?

The worst he can say is no, and then you at least have an answer as to where this text-lationship is going. And hey, you might even snag yourself a date!  You are a strong, independent woman, who doesn’t need a man to make the first move. If he feels his masculinity is threatened by you asking for what you want, he might not be the man for you.

3. What is the source of your frustration?

Examining why not being asked out is so frustrating to you may provide some insight.  Do you fear being alone? Are you afraid he’s not interested in you? Do you question your desirability?  Or is it something else?

The source of your frustration in dealing with a man who texts you but doesn’t ask you out lies solely within you.  The only thing he can do is give you information, and likewise that's all you can do toward him.

He is not responsible for your feelings.

This means, you are in some control of your own emotions and actions.  The frustration you feel when he doesn’t ask you out is likely the result of something else you struggle with. And it makes it difficult for you to enjoy the moments you have with this man.

Approaching this question with empathy and curiosity may provide insights into your motivations and once examined can bring the focus back on the great conversations you two are having.  If they weren’t great, you wouldn’t be concerned with him asking you out, right?

Depending on what you discover with these three questions you might encourage him to ask you out by making your intentions clearer, find the answer you were looking for by asking him out, or manage your own feelings and focus on the positives by examining the root of your frustration.

Heather Gillam, BA, MS, NCC –

# Let him go

Texting seems to me a pretty poor form of communication for launching a date, let alone a relationship

Although I know that some people use texting as their primary form of communication (one famous person comes to mind), I think of texting as a way to communicate short bytes of information.  Texting could be useful for basic communication like, “What time should we meet?” or “Can you pick me up?”.

I actually can’t think of any good reason that someone would text you and not follow up with a phone call and an invitation to coffee

Bad reasons might be that he’s completely ambivalent about wanting to know you, he’s pathologically shy, he’s afraid of rejection, or he has absolutely no social skills.  I admit I could be missing something, but I really can’t imagine what.

I assume you want to meet and date an adult.  If so, this guy is not for you.  

Don’t return the texts and keep looking for someone who is confident enough to take a risk, ask you out and show that he’s interested in getting to know you.

Sally LeBoy, MFT –

# Be assertive without putting too much pressure

You met someone on a dating site that expressed interest in you.

Maybe you exchanged some messages and it seemed obvious that they were interested in you and you in them so you exchanged numbers and began texting…and that’s all that’s happened. Perhaps you have suggested some times to meet and they have been busy or something keeps coming up that prevents a meeting from happening. There are several possibilities for what might be occurring here.

First, they might not be who they said they were and meeting could be anxiety provoking for them.

Maybe they no longer look like the person in their profile picture, maybe they aren’t that person at all, perhaps they are married or otherwise taken, and perhaps they were being honest and one should accept that sometimes life gets busy and things happen to prevent us from following through on the best laid plans.

What we shouldn’t do is assume that they aren’t meeting with us because of some perceived defect in ourselves.

This is of course what most of us do. We often believe that they haven’t expressed a desire to meet with us because they don’t really like us or there is someone else they are more interested in. This triggers a fear of rejection that is probably related to something that happened to us in the past unrelated to this person at all. We can respond to this rather than react and expect much better results!

Let’s assume that we aren’t being cat-fished and this person is who they said they were.

Since we have no control over other peoples’ behavior, feelings, or thoughts, lets focus on you. If they are still in contact with you obviously they are still interested in speaking with you. Maybe progress to a phone call or a video call before meeting. Some people are shy and take their time getting to know the person before meeting.

Make sure you aren’t progressing too quickly or trying to pressure the other person into meeting you before they are ready.

Why are you in such a hurry anyway? The right person is worth waiting for and being patient with. Pressuring someone to meet with you before they are ready reeks of desperation and is likely to push them away before you even have your foot in the door.

That said, the flip side is related to assertiveness.

If they haven’t asked you out and you want to go out with them, assuming of course that you haven’t asked yet, what’s stopping you? There is no etiquette anymore that prevents you from asking for what you want or even asking why they haven’t asked you yet. Passivity in the early stages of a relationship sets an expectation that you will remain submissive or passive throughout the relationship.

Always make sure your insecurities are not coloring your perception of events and consider all possible scenarios rather than just the one that makes you undesirable. Self-talk should be self-loving always in order to attract the love we seek! Happy hunting!

Kate Kelly, MSW, LCSW –

# The best thing you can do is bluntly ask, “Do you want to meet?”

Unfortunately, today’s communication is largely based on technology

No longer do we meet face to face or even call each other on the phone. Now it’s texting, which lends itself to many misconstrued and misinterpreted dialogue.

With texting, intonation, sarcasm, sentiment and irritability are expressed with emojis or pictures. What ever happened to a back and forth, personal conversation that is clear and understandable?

So, if your date is wasting your time texting you only, with no inclination to ask you out, why do you continue the “relationship?” Do you need texting friends? Do you want to spend time waiting and hoping he’ll ask you out?

The best thing you can do is bluntly ask, “Do you want to meet?”

If his answer is vague and noncommittal, then you know your answer. If you’ve already met and he hasn’t asked you out since, again, why waste your time?  

Dating is a numbers game and there are plenty of single men who are ready to find and develop a lasting, long-term relationship. You just need to seek him out and eliminate all the others who are just not what you are looking for.

Texting is valuable when you want to check in with someone, or confirm important details, but to have conversations, where it is difficult to express yourself completely and convey how you truly feel, is ridiculous.  

Keep the texting down to a minimum and switch to phone calls to really communicate in a healthier way, when you are not with him.

A guy who hides behind texting to communicate will have difficulty communicating in person and that is always a red flag to women, who are usually more open to discussing important issues face to face.

Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC –

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