Interview With Marla Martenson: Sharing Her Thoughts on the Importance of Loving Your Body, Transitioning To Feminine Energy and Much More
1. A common problem that we hear often from our subscribers is a feeling of being inadequate and unworthy especially as they age. Women feel anxious and stressed as they compare their bodies and looks to the younger women and unfortunately believe they aren't able to attract men into their lives because they aren't physically attractive. Some of our subscribers confess that they hate their bodies and feel undesirable and unattractive whenever they look in the mirror.
Can you share your advice on what women can do to shift their negative self-talk and how they can be more self-accepting and start loving their bodies?
I can certainly relate to what some women feel around aging and our bodies changing. For me the shift was dramatic.
It seemed almost like one minute I went from being the woman that turned heads when I entered a room, and strangers approach me at the supermarket just to tell me how pretty I was, to becoming totally invisible!
The biggest blow came when a waiter asked me if a younger female colleague that I was out with one evening was my daughter.
I am not going to say that getting older is easy; after all, we live here on planet earth, in the 3rd dimension and with that comes an ego. After all, who doesn’t like to be complimented, desired and be made to feel pretty?
I would like to share some things that have made some profound shifts in me as the years have gone by and more wrinkles have made an appearance. The most important thing to have is self- love!
Yes, love yourself. You might be wondering, Marla, how in the hell do I do that? I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror lately because I don’t recognize the lady staring back at me. Well, here are some tips to get you started… these are things that I do and are working wonderfully.
The most important thing that I do is give gratitude to my body.
Instead of despising it for betraying me by wrinkling and breaking down, I remain in profound gratitude that I am blessed to have all of my body parts, (many people have lost limbs) I have my vision, even if I need reading glasses now, I can see! (many people cannot) and I give thanks for all of the wonderful things that I can do and places I can go because I am healthy. Thank You, Thank you, Thank you!
The next thing I do is take excellent care of my body.
I give it plenty of fresh filtered water, green juices and organic food. I get fresh air and sunshine, I work out at least five days per week. I get 8 hours of sleep every night, and I keep myself looking fresh by getting a mani/pedi once per month, keeping my hair in a stylish cut and colored, and whitening my teeth every couple of years. When I feel healthy, strong, fit and energetic, my mood is joyful and the less I think about age.
Another wonderful thing to do is to learn new things.
Shake things up a bit. Last year my girlfriend Julie and I started taking classes on Wednesday evenings at a local metaphysical shop. They give classes in connecting with your guides, abundance, crystal healing and more. We signed up for every class that was offered.
Soon Wednesdays were my favorite night of the week! I became so passionate about what I was learning, and had such a blast meeting new and interesting people, that I went all the way and got certified as a Crystal Healer!
So not only did I learn something new, but I have another skill in my bag of tricks and a way of making a second income at something that I love. You’d better believe I am continuing to sign up for more events, classes and lectures around town. I am just getting more and more fascinating… I can hardly stand it!
The most wonderful and surprising thing that has come up for me from doing the things I have listed, is that as I feel more and more comfortable with myself, as I love myself more and gain new skills and insights, I really don’t give a damn if people like the way I look.
I like me, and that’s all that counts! I used to thrive on compliments, but now on the rare occasion when someone starts to compliment me on my looks, it doesn’t give me a high at all, it feels so superficial and gratuitous. I feel so good about me, that I don’t give a flying fig whether or not you like my hair or that I look like I lost a few pounds…. I know who I am and it’s not my body, it's my heart and soul honey!
2. Another common problem we hear from our subscribers is the fear of being alone and never finding the right man. This is especially common as women enter into their thirties. They see their friends getting married and even having kids, they are asked by friends and family when they are going to get married and they feel the pressure of a ticking biological clock. In the process, they approach their relationships from a place of fear. worry and anxiety.
Instead of enjoying their dates and conversing with men, they tend to interrogate them so that they can stop wasting their time and weed off the wrong men. They tend to fall too hard and too fast in love when they find a man they like but often that scares men away.
What advice do you have for women who approach relationships from a place of worry and how can they shift from a clingy, desperate vibe to an empowered, joyful zone?
The fear of growing old and alone, living in a trailer with eight cats can be a frightening image for many single women.
Just the thought can drive a woman to go on a dozen Starbucks dates per week on a caffeine- infused frenzy, determined to find “The One.”
No one can predict the future, not even the gypsy woman on the corner that promised to remove that curse from you for only 500 dollars (because she needed to order special magical candles from the “home church” in Jerusalem.)
But I do know this: there is no bigger turn off to a man than the pungent scent of desperation wafting his way over your vanilla double shot latte with extra whipped cream. “Uhhh…. What was that? You needed to be pregnant yesterday? I just remembered; I forgot to clean my gold fish bowl. Nice meeting you!”
Society has set a template for women that leads us to believe if we are not married with children by a certain age, something is wrong… but guess what?
There is no right or wrong in life, there is just living. My favorite motivational speaker, Les Brown has a quote that I just love; “What you think of me is none of my spiritual business!”
The most important thing any of us can do for ourselves is to enjoy life.
Regardless if we are single, dating, in a relationship or married. Be happy. Do things that you love. Discover new interests, go new places, help a neighbor in need, spread love everywhere you can!
When you do that, you are too busy to care about what anyone else thinks about your situation and the bonus is the next guy you go out with for a latte will find you so damn attractive because your vibration will be so high because you are a lover of life, that you will no longer be giving off that vibe of desperation and that is when everything comes to you!
3. What would your advice be for women who haven’t dated for a long time and feel out of touch, out of place and struggle to figure out how to start?
I love the website, www.meetup.com. Get on there and start looking around for some fun meet-ups in your city.
You will begin to come out of your shell, meet new people, do things that you love and start feeling comfortable getting out there again.
Once you are getting out and enjoying life, go ahead and join a singles meet-up. The magic will start to happen!
4. From our subscribers, we often hear “lack of chemistry” as a leading reason why they aren’t willing to go out on a second date with a man even though he seemed to be a decent guy and they were comfortable and treated with respect during the first date. Can you share your thoughts on chemistry- how important is it for a relationship to succeed long term and can chemistry grow over time?
Is it worth persisting with a man with whom a woman feels comfortable but doesn’t quite share the chemistry?
I often tell women to give a guy a second chance if everything else was there except the “chemistry.”
My own cousin went on a first date with a guy that she had no interest in because her best friend forced her to go on the date.
All through the date she was thinking who she might be able to fix him up with since he wasn’t her type (he was shorter than her usual height requirement of 6’3’ and taller).
He asked her to a holiday party the next week, and she gave him another shot since she had no plans for the weekend.
That night they ended up back at her place and the chemistry magically started flowing. They have been together two years now and are crazy about each other!
5. Sometimes women who have successful careers feel the exact opposite when it comes to their personal relationships. One of the challenges they mention is struggling to transition from their masculine energy that makes them successful in their workplace to a feminine mode to be more successful in their romantic relationships.
Can you share your advice on how women can overcome this problem?
Many of my male clients refuse to date a woman that is a lawyer as they feel that she is too masculine and often grills them on the date.
That is a perfect example of a woman living in her masculine energy.
Many women hold high stress and powerful jobs these days, but no need to drag that energy home and onto a date. Before you go out, take an hour to enjoy a hot bath, or a mani/pedi.
Take off your power suit and put on something feminine with a little color, that shows your figure.
Leave your stories about clients and the office behind and let the man take the lead. Keep to subject such as travel, books, favorite wine and food, hobbies and interests.
6. As a matchmaker you have worked with both men and women. In your experience, what are men looking for in a woman and what makes a woman wife material?
The most common traits that I hear men asking for in a woman is, easy going, (can go with the flow and doesn’t take an hour to get ready) good sense of humor, attractive, healthy and takes care of her body.
Men are visual, that is just the way it is, so if he doesn’t like what he sees, he won't want to pursue a romantic relationship.
Wife material for a man is often thought of as a woman that has her act together, meaning that she can take care of herself, not in credit card debt, is classy, intelligent, well spoken, someone he can be proud to introduce to his colleagues and parents.
A down to earth, caring, nurturing type is what my clients look for in a woman to walk down the aisle with.
7. Some of our subscribers hesitate to share their honest feelings especially as they are getting to know a man and want to grow the relationship. This hesitation comes from the fear that they may come across as someone too emotional and needy and feel that it may push the man away. So they don’t raise the issues and avoid tough conversations because they want to be the “cool” girl.
Here are some examples: she goes out on a date and he says he will call her but he doesn’t. She is disappointed when he doesn’t and doesn’t discuss this when she hears back from him. Other examples are not calling ahead of time when he is running late or not making plans for a date etc.
What advice do you have for women who have issues that they want to discuss with their man but have troubles expressing them because of the fear of coming across as a nag or needy or demanding?
Making plans for a date, or calling when he is running late is just plain common courtesy.
You should be able to expect that from a girlfriend or a person that you hope to have a romantic relationship with. Hold true to what feels right to you and what you need to feel comfortable. If you have to walk on eggshells, then move on to someone more considerate and easier to communicate with.
Men usually subscribe to the idea that women talk too much. Our communication styles are definitely different.
As long as you aren’t treating your guy like a therapist or girlfriend that you talk everything over with, you should certainly be able to discuss an issue with him. If you are afraid to bring something up or be yourself, then he might not be the man for you.
8. Some experts recommend women wait till they get to know the man they are dating and not have sex until you both are committed to exclusivity. Some experts believe you should go with the flow and be spontaneous and not have any rules regarding when you want to sleep with a man.
Can you share your thoughts on the right time to have sex?
Even though I am far from a prude, I always give the advice to wait.
If you are seeking a long term relationship, then what is the hurry? Jumping into bed with someone might be exciting and a lot of fun, but afterwards usually comes the awkward part of what happens next.
Having sex catapults you into relationship status before you even know the person.
Would you trust a man that you just met with your children, pet, bank account or darkest secrets? If no, then why let him into your bed before you know anything about him? It is also painful for a woman if the guy never calls you again. Why go through that?
9. Our subscribers also run into a situation where things are going great and just when they think the relationship has great potential or feel he is the one, the man starts developing cold feet. He pull away, doesn’t respond to phone calls or text messages and in some cases disappears for a while.
What advice do you have for women who deal with men that suddenly pull away and act inconsistent?
My advice is to give him his space.
Make sure that you have lots of interesting things going on in your own life, including dating other people so that you are not waiting around hoping for his call or text.
If things don't work out with him, well, you have plenty of other options!
10. What are your top 3 relationship tips that you would offer women who are single and looking for a long term committed relationship?
1. Stay open to meeting people that don’t typically fit your “type.”
Go out with a guy shorter than you thought you could be attracted to, try dating a guy of a different race, or with different interests. Variety is the spice of life, get unstuck and go out and have fun with different types of guys.
2. Keep working on yourself.
Learn new things, attend seminars, read books on different subjects, practice self care, work out and make healthy choices when eating. You will be so interesting and charismatic, that people will be naturally drawn to you, especially a new man!
3. Stay positive.
Bitter is not attractive on anyone! If you are going to accept a date from someone, then go with a great attitude and have fun. He might not turn out to be your soul mate, but you could have an amazing time, make a new friend, or business contact. You really can’t lose when you keep an upbeat attitude.
About Marla Martenson
Marla Martenson is a professional matchmaker working in Los Angeles since 2002, helping countless couples connect with their soul mates and go on to marriage. She is also a certified life force energy healer, author and speaker. She has appeared on the Today Show, WGN Chicago Morning News, San Diego Living, KUSI San Diego Morning, Better TV, Urban Rush and over 40 radio shows including Coast to Coast AM, Playboy Radio and The Cooper Lawrence Show.
To know more about Marla, visit her website www.marlamartenson.com.