Interview With Sharón Lynn Wyeth: Sharing Her Thoughts on Mr. Right vs Mr. Right Now, Creating Space To Enhance Intimacy and Much More
1. One question we get asked quite often from our subscribers especially from women in their late 30s and above is if there are enough eligible men looking for a serious long term relationship. There seems to be this belief that men around their age group are more interested in younger women.
What advice do you have for women who have a deep rooted skepticism that they can’t find love because of their age and are almost at the point of giving up?
There are just as many men who would like to have a long term relationships as women.
Most men have a difficult time without a woman, however, men want to be needed. When a woman presents herself as one who doesn’t need others, as she is too self-sufficient, which many older women are, she closes the door to relationships where men would like to be needed.
Woman must be open to having men provide for them and solve some of their problems.
This doesn’t mean that the woman should pretend to be weak; instead, she must be willing to be vulnerable. If a man feels he can help and be useful then then he is interested in the woman regardless of age.
2. Some of our subscribers feel stuck in their love lives because of their past emotional baggage. This affects them in a number of ways- they either tend to compare the next man they are dating with their ex or they have trust issues because they have been cheated on before or they just cannot seem to forget their ex and move on in life.
What are some practical ways that can help women release their past emotional baggage so that they can start attracting healthy love into their lives?
The most important thing is to review what happened and look at circumstances clearly without any illusions.
Admit one’s participation in the events that took place. Then forgive yourself for your part and also forgive the other people involved. Let me offer a different perspective on forgiveness. Forgiveness is the willingness to be for, not against, giving the situation back to God.
Take the lessons learned, and apply them in your life today and give the rest back to God. Then, as the author of your own book of life, write yourself a new beginning, one without judgment and one without sorrow and go forth with a new beginning; one that is built upon lessons learned.
Consider the idea that we fall out of love with someone when we start focusing on their faults instead of staying focused on the reasons why we fell in love with them in the first place.
When we are willing to see a person as they are and not as what we’d like them to be, we won’t be bringing our past into our future. You may also post a sign on your bathroom mirror that says, “Let the past stay in the past, that is why it is called the past.”
3. One popular concern that our subscribers have is regarding sharing their feelings with the man they are dating. What we typically find is that when women like the man they are seeing, they tend to avoid bringing up difficult issues and tough conversations because they fear they might lose him. So what they generally tend to do is that they keep it to themselves and give the impression that things are just fine.
For example, they have a fantastic date with a man and he says he will call after a few days. They wait, wait and wait to be disappointed that he didn’t follow up as he said he would. But they are happy when they eventually hear back from him and don’t share how they really felt during the no contact period.
What would your advice be for women who have the fear that sharing feelings and emotions will drive a man away and make them come across as someone clingy and needy?
Many men say they shall call as it is easier than saying that the date was a bust.
It does not mean that the man shall call.
If you want a man to call you after the first date, then do the following on the first date:
1. Listen more than talk
2. Respond to what the man has shared in your conversation so that he knows you were listening and that you care
3. Most importantly be authentic
Men want a smart woman, one who can offer them another set of ideas, or a different way of looking at things.
Men want a woman who can speak on many issues and one who appreciates their sense of humor. They find yes woman, women who are too agreeable, as boring and superficial. Truly you don’t wish to be with a man who doesn’t want an interesting woman.
It takes courage to be honest, yet isn’t that what we all want?
Then be the person you’d like to met. Be real. Authentic people are fascinating and attract the opposite sex like crazy. Take a risk, state your feelings. You’ll be surprised at how appealing men find that type of honesty.
Simply remember to claim your feelings and state them with tact and not put the blame on the man for your feelings. You will be so surprised how attractive honesty and showing the real you is to any man.
4. From our subscribers, we often hear “lack of chemistry” as a leading reason why they aren’t willing to go out on a second date with a man even though he seemed to be a decent guy and they were comfortable and treated with respect during the first date. Can you share your thoughts on chemistry- how important is it for a relationship to succeed long term and can chemistry grow over time?
Is it worth persisting with a man with whom a woman feels comfortable but doesn’t quite share the chemistry?
Chemistry is the desire to have “love at first sight” and is a romantic idealistic view.
It takes three dates or an equivalence of eight to nine hours in someone’s presence to really know if there is chemistry or not. So, it behooves both people to see each other multiple times, or one incredibly long time when initially meeting.
Most people think that the chemistry is felt in the first twenty minutes, but that is only on the physical level, and does not involve the other bodies, those of emotional, mental and spiritual bodies, as those take longer to activate.
5. Some experts recommend women wait till they get to know the man they are dating and not have sex until you both are committed to exclusivity. Some experts believe you should go with the flow and be spontaneous and not have any rules regarding when you want to sleep with a man.
Can you share your thoughts on the right time to have sex especially if the woman is interested in pursuing a long term committed relationship?
There is a simple guideline for this dilemma.
Sex is only appropriate when love is present and felt by both participants. This is regardless of all other considerations and factors. If love is not present in either or both people, then connecting sexually is not appropriate.
6. Some of our subscribers have the tendency to ignore and overlook the red flags especially when they really like a man. In the process, they create an idealized version of the man and overestimate the feelings he has for them.
For women who have a history of fantasizing and idealizing a partner, what can they do to evaluate the man and their relationship for what it is truly worth rather than what they ideally like it to be?
We don’t know if a person is our “Mr. Right” versus our “Mr. Right Now” until we have an emergency of sorts.
Then, does this man come to your aide? Is he there beside you while you grieve? Is he there with you when you are dealing with a loved one’s hospital stay? Did he come get you when your car broke down? Can you count on him to be there when you need him most? Until an emergency happens you don’t know.
Now, the emergency could be his and you would need to see if he includes you or wishes to “solve” the dilemma without you. If you are excluded, then you are not important to him. Swallow hard and separate yourself many future heartaches.
Now, there are clues along the way, prior to the emergency happening, that can give you strong indications.
- Does he include you when it is his family gets together?
- Does he consider your needs above his own?
- Does he follow through on what he says he’ll do? Is he considerate?
- Plus, is he willing to meet your friends and spend time with you and them?
- Do your girlfriends like him after meeting him numerous times?
- Finally, and most importantly, is he a good listener?
7. Can too much honesty negatively affect a relationship especially when you have just started seeing the other person? How much of the past and even the present should you reveal to the man you are dating? Should you share details like cheating in the previous relationship, the fact you are currently seeing a therapist or you are a recovering alcoholic etc? Some of our subscribers have been too honest and in the process lost out on many men because it freaked them out.
Can you share your thoughts on how women can balance the fine line between honesty and giving themselves the chance to date men and pursue a long term committed relationship?
If the person you are dating doesn’t ask a specific question that would specifically ask for information about your past experiences, or uncomfortable present experiences, then don’t share them.
When asked, be brief, succinct, honest and don’t dwell on the issue. Deliver information in a factual way as it demonstrates that you have taken the learning from the experience and moved forward without carrying the pain or heartache with you.
In other words, you have grown and truly put the experience in your past.
It also demonstrates your willingness to share and to be in an honest relationship; not one based on falsehoods. As you get to know the person you are dating, remember to ask these types of questions and, when given an answer, show compassion.
You want to build a relationship based on honesty, or the relationship won’t last and isn’t worth having.
8. What are some best practices when it comes to clearly communicating your deal breakers and boundaries and when should you be having these conversations? I have heard from quite a number of my women subscribers who initially set the bar low and then find it incredibly difficult to raise the bar in the relationship because their partner has been conditioned to the earlier low standard.
Many women find it quite difficult to have these conversations because they fear coming across as someone too uptight and rigid and worry about driving men away.
Any woman who lays down too many boundaries at the beginning of a relationship is definitely advertising her fears. It is more productive if a woman addresses things as they come up.
For instance, a great time to talk about alcohol is when in a restaurant and asked what you wish to drink is to order what you’d like and then observe what the man orders. If he has more than one drink, it is appropriate to ask which drinks he enjoys and how often he enjoys them.
Or, simply observe and then decide if you wish to be with someone who drinks that much. Ordering a fourth drink is usually considered the indicator that a person is an alcoholic. This could also be an indicator that he is incredibly uncomfortable with the current situation and is drinking minimize his uncomfortableness.
If this bothers you, you can always say,”May I have your keys please, as it is troublesome to me that you’d like more drinks, and I’d prefer to get us both home safely.”
Remember, you can state your preferences and your boundaries, but cannot choose another one’s boundaries for them.
Another example is when he first attempts to go beyond kissing and you are not ready for that yet. Simply put your hands on his hands to stop the roving, and state your boundary, such as “I’m not ready for this in our relationship yet”, or “I don’t participate in premarital sex”.
Remember, you can always lower the bar, but no one lets you raise the bar.
Start where you want to be as men shall respect you for that. Good men find that attractive as it says you know who you are.
9. Our subscribers also run into a situation where things are going great and just when they think the relationship has great potential or feel he is the one, the man starts developing cold feet. He pulls away, doesn’t respond to phone calls or text messages and in some cases disappears for a while.
What advice do you have for women who deal with men that suddenly pull away and act inconsistent?
Women today have a habit of being overly assertive and initiate texts and calls, instead of only texting and calling him when returning his initial communication.
A man pulling back is often an indication of either his feeling overwhelmed by the woman’s assertiveness or his wanting to see if she’s the one by seeing how he feels without her for a while. Does he miss her or does he feel freer without her?
Distance is a technique to see how one really feels. Also, men can get incredibly busy with work and simply run out of time.
After the initial pulling back, when the man calls again, greet him kindly saying something like, “Hello stranger”. However, don’t be too available, or make it too easy for him to come back. You don’t want him taking you for granted. Allow him to see you have continued with your life and are still happy. This causes you to be more desirable.
Don’t chase him, call him, do anything other than ONE text that asks if he is okay, or needs help, as it’s not like him to go this long without communicating and you are concerned for his well being.
Then let it go and see what happens. The real problem today is that woman becomes too demanding, with too many expectations, too early in the relationship. Give yourself, and him, time to get used to being in a relationship.
10. What are your top 3 relationship tips that you would offer women who are single and looking for a long term committed relationship?
1. Go do what you love to do. You’ll meet people who love to do what you love to do and already have that in common.
2. Be the person you’d like to meet.
3. Like yourself and be happy. Happiness is hard to resist, it acts like a magnet that brings other’s toward you, as they want what you have.
Lastly, being, or appearing to be, desperate drives good people away. Love your life, have fun, and being authentic is truly irresistible to those wanting to be in a serious relationship.
About Sharón Lynn Wyeth
Sharón Lynn Wyeth’s latest book is “Know the Name; Know the Spirit.” Her first book, “Know the Name; Know the Person” is a bestseller that earned a Literary Excellence Award. As a frequent radio and television talk show guest, Wyeth has amazed countless people who have been surprised by her accuracy in predicting their personalities based on their names. Sharon is currently working and living in Idaho.
Visit www.KnowTheName.com to know more.