Interview With Samantha Jayne: Sharing Her Thoughts on Releasing Past Emotional Baggage, Communicating Deal Breakers and Much More
1. One question we get asked quite often from our subscribers especially from women in their late 30s and above is if there are enough eligible men looking for a serious long term relationship. There seems to be this belief that men around their age group are more interested in younger women.
What advice do you have for women who have a deep rooted skepticism that they can’t find love because of their age and are almost at the point of giving up?
Are there enough men to go around?
Absolutely! Have a look around. Women of all ages everywhere around the world are finding and keeping good men and age is no barrier. Late 30’s is still very young and think about it, is it really true that the men are looking for younger women? I’m not so sure.
From what I’ve seen the tables have turned and women are the ones looking for younger men. Take a look at former bachelorette Cameron Diaz, snared her Madden boy. He is 7 years her junior and no it isnt just happening for the celebrities. I see it everyday in my very own matchmaking agency Blue Label Life. (www.bluelabellife)
If you believe that all the men want younger women that is what you will see and you might as well curl up into a corner and give up. Or you have the choice to go and make it happen.
Just like you did with your career, you put hours of study into it, time into grooming yourself into that role do the same with your relationship.
Invest time, energy and money into finding a man and make it happen.
You have to be in it to win in. There are loads of single available men out there looking for you! Yes You!! Go and make sure he knows all about you, get online, join a dating agency, tell your friends, get out you’ll find a man. One thing for sure he won’t come knocking at your door you have to let him know you are sexy and single!
Make it happen girl!
2. Some of our subscribers feel stuck in their love lives because of their past emotional baggage. This affects them in a number of ways- they either tend to compare the next man they are dating with their ex or they have trust issues because they have been cheated on before or they just cannot seem to forget their ex and move on in life.
What are some practical ways that can help women release their past emotional baggage so that they can start attracting healthy love into their lives?
You’ve heard the saying the past is the past, yet in reality it is easier said than done right?
Let me ask you a question. “What Would YOU Do If Knew You Couldn’t Fail?”.
Something tell me you would reach for the stars right? So when you look back at the past and feel heavy, stuck and fearful of heartache which brings up unhealthy trust issues this is a form of self sabotage. If this is you then you are looking back re-creating your old experience in your head. Your replying it like a movie. So let’s do an exercise. I want you think about “How you would like it to be instead?”.
Lets make another movie. You’ve seen a rom com they always have happy endings right? Even Bridget Jones was thrown into goal and rescued by her prince charming.
But first before we start making your new movie lets think about what meaning you can give the past that will best serve you. Get a pen and paper and write down all the great things that have happened as a result of your bad relationships, how it has shaped you as a better person and how it has prepared you for Mr Right.
I don’t know about you, but despite the past painful experiences I’ve had I am so grateful because if it wasn’t for the bad men I wouldn’t have met my good man.
Let’s recap, firstly change the meaning of the past, list the good outcomes and the opportunities that have resulted from the bad man/men, and now for the exciting part…write down the type of relationship you want with the man you want.
To further back it up look for proof, look at your friends and family members even colleagues who have happy relationships. Role models will help you bust the old beliefs that are holding you back and create new happy ones that serve you.
Confidence is attractive and will bring a good man into your life.
This time round its up to you to make a smart choice. In most cases if you are honest with yourself you see the signs very early on in the dating game as to whether a man has integrity or not. Keep your eyes open.
3. One popular concern that our subscribers have is regarding sharing their feelings with the man they are dating. What we typically find is that when women like the man they are seeing, they tend to avoid bringing up difficult issues and tough conversations because they fear they might lose him. So what they generally tend to do is that they keep it to themselves and give the impression that things are just fine.
For example, they have a fantastic date with a man and he says he will call after a few days. They wait, wait and wait to be disappointed that he didn’t follow up as he said he would. But they are happy when they eventually hear back from him and don’t share how they really felt during the no contact period.
What would your advice be for women who have the fear that sharing feelings and emotions will drive a man away and make them come across as someone clingy and needy?
Opening up is beautiful.
Vulnerability is the key to building connections. Being vulnerable is about exposing the real you, your genuine self. Sharing your feelings not your thoughts, getting out of your head and into your heart, being truly vulnerable makes you reveal your softer side which will bring you closer as a couple.
If you have a tough situation to discuss it is important to be comfortable to be able to talk about it, because as your relationship evolves so will your connection. If you shut down in the fear of losing him you will do exactly that as you won’t have a connection. Your relationship will be kept at a superficial level and that is not sustainable.
In the early days of a relationship there is a fine line between the right amount of sharing your feelings.
If go out with a man and he takes forever to send you a text you can tell him how happy you are to hear from him and in a playful manner express to him that “What took you so long?”, be very playful. Remember if you come off and express how it made you feel too early he will see you as needy and want to pull away. Understand that dating takes time and good things come to those who wait.
Reward your man for the good things that he does and he will want to do more of them for you. Men love to please their woman.
4. From our subscribers, we often hear “lack of chemistry” as a leading reason why they aren’t willing to persist with a man even though he seemed to be a decent guy, treated them with respect and made them feel comfortable. Can you share your thoughts on chemistry and can attraction grow over time? Is it worth persisting with a man with whom a woman feels comfortable but doesn’t quite share the chemistry?
Listen carefully to my next quote.
“Men fall in love with their eyes, women fall in love with their ears”.
Ladies I hear this all the time, “Lack of chemistry”, it’s normal. It has happened to the happiest couples I have matched.
I remember my client Lauren; I matched her up with Michael.
A 6 foot tall, IT guy, at first glance she didn’t find him attractive at all. Actually after her first date despite the fact that she felt good in his presence, he treated her well and they had similar values she made her mind up to close the door and not see him.
I just knew deep down inside that Lauren and Michael were a match made in heaven. So I insisted that Lauren, go on 3 dates with Michael and not speak to me until the 3rd date was over.
As I had predicted after date 3, Lauren had become very attracted to Michael.
In fact instead of seeing him as an awkward nerdy man she had seen him for who he really was, they both became comfortable and came of out their shells. The biggest bonus was that she had seen how much Michael had looked like her favorite movie star Keanu Reeves.
Fast forward 5 years to today and they are happily married with three children and Lauren has never looked back.
My advice is give the guy a chance and let the magic happen.
5. Some of our subscribers have the tendency to ignore and overlook the red flags especially when they really like a man. In the process, they create an idealized version of the man and overestimate the feelings he has for them. For women who have a history of fantasizing and idealizing a partner, what can they do to evaluate the man and their relationship for what it is truly worth rather than what they ideally like it to be?
Red Flag Alert! This is a question would be answered best by every girls ideal “Big Brother”, Louie Pryde, from Blue Label Life. Louie is the big brother figure that all girl needs he provides and honest approach I just know, the ladies will absolutely appreciate his real like advice into getting into the male mind.
Louie Pryde here, my advice to you is, “What you see is what you get”.
Look at the facts. The reality of the situation, watch for red flags early on in the relationship they are gold! The proof, the signs to cut and run or build a future. The way he treats you early on in the relationship will be a good predictor of how he will treat you later in the relationship only his behaviour will more than likely be worse 10 fold.
See your relationship for what it is.
If he spends time with you, respects you, shares similar values to you, you’re onto a good thing, if you are conflicting and absolute opposites the relationship will be short lived.
Women have a natural tendency to want to fix her man, hope that he will change for the better. If you just don’t agree on values it will never happen. Values is the glue in your relationships.
The most important values to consider in a long term relationship are similar values when it comes to family, money, lifestyle such as smoking, drinking, exercise, sexual compatibility and financial goals. If you are similar your onto a good thing, it will be easy. If not and he is constantly pulling away, ask yourself is this it? And go and create the life you want with a man that deserves you.
Your Big Brother,
6. Can too much honesty negatively affect a relationship especially when you have just started seeing the other person? How much of the past and even the present should you reveal to the man you are dating? Should you share details like cheating in the previous relationship, the fact you are currently seeing a therapist or you are a recovering alcoholic etc? Some of our subscribers have been too honest and in the process lost out on many men because it freaked them out.
Can you share your thoughts on how women can balance the fine line between honesty and giving themselves the chance to date men and pursue a long term committed relationship?
Is Honesty the best policy?
I’m a big believer in being an open book- honesty, integrity and loyalty are the absolute best qualities in sustaining a relationship for the long term. Just how much of the past should you reveal? Is airing all your dirty laundry necessary??
As a trained coach my dating and relationship coaching is all about focusing on the future.
Sure the past has an impact on who you are as a person and your values however it is important to look forward to the life you want. In the early days of dating someone it is important to get to know each other and focus on the future. If you tell your date all about your negative traits there will be no reason for him to stick around.
In the early days of dating, stay positive and as your relationship evolves reveal more and more about yourself.
Your cheating past might be something that you put to rest as revealing this will make your man run for the hills.
Focus on your positive qualities, dream together, be playful, have fun and connect with your man based on values and your new self. If you keep the conversations to what things you value most this is a better real life example of the future you would like to build with someone.
7. What are some best practices when it comes to clearly communicating your deal breakers and boundaries and when should you be having these conversations? I have heard from quite a number of my women subscribers who initially set the bar low and then find it incredibly difficult to raise the bar in the relationship because their partner has been conditioned to the earlier low standard.
Many women find it quite difficult to have these conversations because they fear coming across as someone too uptight and rigid and worry about driving men away.
Talking about deal breakers and boundaries, the sooner the better! Be open; set your standards early on before you get too emotionally involved.
Setting the bar low early on is a recipe for disaster and almost impossible to change him.
If you set your boundaries early on, he will respect you. This is your opportunity to teach your man how to treat you.
Teaching your man how to treat you actually makes him respect you. He will want to work for you. When communicating your deal breakers and boundaries with men be very clear, don’t beat around the bush and make sure your have a nice tonality. Tonality is 38% of communication whereas 7% is words and 55% is body language.
You can set the mood to light hearted, tell him how much you appreciate good values in a man and what they are.
A client of Kylie was dating Josh, at the 3 month mark she noticed his drinking was getting heavier and heavier. So she sat him down and told him how much she enjoyed his company and that they had a huge potential for an amazing relationship however she didn’t value the drinking and felt like they weren’t on the same page.
She told him that if the drinking continued that she was would have to let go of the relationship, and appreciated his time and knew that she couldn’t change him. That he was the only one that could do this if he wanted to.
This was a wakeup call to Josh and he stopped his crazy behavior. They now have a stable happy relationship and his drinking is under control. In the early stages he was unconsciously testing Kylie. It really paid off for Kylie to be set her boundaries.
8. Some experts recommend women wait till they get to know the man they are dating and not have sex until you both are committed to exclusivity. Some experts believe you should go with the flow and be spontaneous and not have any rules regarding when you want to sleep with a man.
Can you share your thoughts on the right time to have sex especially if the woman is interested in pursuing a long term committed relationship?
The topic when is the right time to have sex is debatable.
There are so many rules around it. Ultimately I do feel it is best to be exclusive before you have sex. I do think if you are looking for something long term it is best to wait, until you are sure you are on the same page, mainly because when a woman sleeps with a man she begins to fall in love. Sex releases lots of feel good hormones serotonin dopamine, norepinephrine and you could be mistaking the feeling of “love”, with “lust”.
Waiting give you the opportunity to see the situation for what it is, plus men do like the chase.
Sex is readily available to men, they just have to walk out the door, go to a bar or jump online. Be the girl that stands out and he will notice.
If you sleep with a man too early on and you say the old “I’ve never done this before”, he won’t believe you. IN his mind he will wonder how many other men you have bedded. It’s the way men think.
9. Our subscribers also run into a situation where things are going great and just when they think the relationship has great potential or feel he is the one, the man starts developing cold feet. He pull away, doesn’t respond to phone calls or text messages and in some cases disappears for a while.
What advice do you have for women who deal with men that suddenly pull away and act inconsistent?
The Push Pull Effect. It’s normal.
Just before a man falls in love he pulls away. It’s best to leave him be and wait for him to return. No amount of chasing will bring him closer in fact it will push him further into his cave.
During this time, keep very busy, go shopping spend time with your girlfriends, get to the gym and reflect about what you want from the relationship. Is he really the type of man you want?
Also understand that not all men pull away.
Some pull away because he has fallen in love and is fearful of getting hurt or not being enough. Others pull away because they are not ready for a relationship or some and ideally this is the situation for you pull away because they are considering a future with you and they want to make sure it feels right.
It is vital you stay calm. This is the secret.
And when he returns reward him. Tell him how happy you are to hear from him. Make him feel safe, comfortable and before you know it he will be yours.
10. What are your top 3 relationship tips that you would offer women who are single and looking for a long term committed relationship?
– Make it your priority to find love. If you want love go and make it happen. Activity breeds success. Get out there and date men. Invest as much time into finding a man as you did to find your job.
– Don’t waste time with Mr Wrong. Get Mr Right. If you see red flags early on in the stages of your relationship address them asap. If you can’t come work it out, cut and run. Time is precious it is the one thing that you never get back.
– Invest in yourself. Would you like to get it right in your relationship sooner rather than later?
There is not time like the present to start to invest in the right relationship and dating program to ensure you have a full dating detox. Break old patterns, create new healthy relationship patterns that are going to work for you and make it happen.
About Samantha Jayne
Samantha Jayne is a Relationship Expert, Dating Coach, Matchmaker, Author, Speaker and founder of Australia’s most exclusive dating agency, Blue Label Life.
Samantha is THE expert in rescuing professional singles looking for love. She is also founder of Make Men Commit, a website to help women, “Meet and Keep Mr Right!”
Sam is an Internally Accredited Coach, NLP Practitioner. Her biggest passion is transforming people’s lives, getting them into their heart space. Samantha brings a fresh and honest approach to the world of dating.
To know more about Samantha, visit www.bluelabellife.com.au.