Interview With Suzanne Muller-Heinz: Sharing Her Thoughts on Asking Better Dating Questions, Having Tough Conversations and Much More
1. One question we get asked quite often from our subscribers especially from women in their late 30s and above is if there are enough eligible men looking for a serious long term relationship. There seems to be this belief that men around their age group are more interested in younger women.
What advice do you have for women who have a deep rooted skepticism that they can’t find love because of their age and are almost at the point of giving up?
I do not believe this. Some do, sure, but not most or all.
Unfortunately, people’s deep level of skepticism is the source of what is attracting these types of people to them. By thinking this way, they are bringing it into their life. Yes, what they do not want. People tend to give up, when their thoughts produce certain results that they do not like or do not want. Let me explain.
When I was on the merry-go-round of the dating scene. My subconscious thought was “men leave me.”
And guess what kind of results I produced in my life. Either I left within 3-5 weeks before the man, or my dates would break up with me or just disappeared. When I changed my thought to “true love” and I actually started to believe that I could have this experience that I found true love within a few months.
The problem that I see most often is that people believe their pesky negative thoughts.
Yes, the thoughts swirling around in their head. Or, as I like to call them “gremlin thoughts.” People are then pissed off and collect evidence that ‘men like younger women’, or whatever their disempowering, gremlin thought it. It is true, some men do like younger women, but it’s not the majority.
How many times have you collected evidence? Or, talked to your friends about it and received agreement like it is true? If this sounds familiar, the first step is to identify what is your negative gremlin thought that lurking? Here is the question to ask your self to uncover it.
“When you think about having a happy, healthy, fulfilling, loving and lasting relationship with someone incredible, what is the first or few negative or disempowering thoughts that pop into your mind?”
The negative thoughts are usually right there in the forefront of your brain and tip of your tongue. The goal is to bring them from the background of your subconscious and some may be conscious.
The reality is that you are usually speaking these thoughts and making them a reality. Or, you are subconsciously thinking them and they are coming true. Yes?
If you want a new reality, we must change yours thoughts.
In order to produce new results, you must have a new thought that you believe into existence! I wish there was an easier way, but this is the way my clients and I have won the war on our thoughts and succeeded in the tug of war in our heads. As you can see, it is much easier to believe the negative, and it takes will power and consciously shifting your thoughts to attract the type of person who you are actually looking for.
The next step is create a thought that works for you. Say something new. I used to say, “True love”. Pick something that works for you. Look at what you actually want.
Here are some examples.
1. I have a partner that loves, adores and cherished me, and we have a healthy relationship.
2. I have a man that thinks the world of me, and we are in the same age range. We love sharing life together.
3. My relationship with my partner is healthy and beyond anything I could ever hope for. We love experiencing new adventures together, and is about the same age as I am.
I hope these gave you a few to select from. Now that you have a sense of what I’m talking about. Create your own new thought. Feel free to send it to me. Would love to hear it. [email protected] And, if you need some help to create one, send me an email. This works and it does take some time and effort on your part.
2. Some of our subscribers feel stuck in their love lives because of their past emotional baggage. This affects them in a number of ways- they either tend to compare the next man they are dating with their ex or they have trust issues because they have been cheated on before or they just cannot seem to forget their ex and move on in life.
What are some practical ways that can help women release their past emotional baggage so that they can start attracting healthy love into their lives?
I do have several suggestions.
Past emotional baggage or leftovers from a past relationship is like a prison sentence. I have been there. I love helping clients release their past to be able to have their fullest heart capacity to love, love someone and love and honor themselves. Otherwise, we do get stuck and trapped in the patterns of the past. Let’s face it, one of the reasons you are not with those men anyone is that you probably were not heard, so you have no outlet to express yourself and have full resolutions. Yes?
Here are three ideas.
1. Sit down and write a letter to this person.
But, not any letter. And remember, you are NOT sending this letter to the person. Write out everything you have not said to this person. Everything, and in your own words. Write it out the way you need to say it. What happens is that we hold back. Let it rip in this letter.
2. If you’d like a some specific questions to follow, grab a copy of my book.
In Loveable: 21 Practices for Being in a Loving & Fulfilling Relationship. I step women through the process to clear out these leftovers once and for all to have peace of mind, more happiness and freedom like never before.
3. If you feel like you need more, I offer a session to release these leftovers verbally.
Sometimes it takes someone really listening to you and walking you through the process. If you are over 40 years old, you may have more than one of these relationships you need to release. Most people have 1-4 of them! You can reach me at www.happylivingforever.com.
3. One popular concern that our subscribers have is regarding sharing their feelings with the man they are dating. What we typically find is that when women like the man they are seeing, they tend to avoid bringing up difficult issues and tough conversations because they fear they might lose him. So what they generally tend to do is that they keep it to themselves and give the impression that things are just fine.
For example, they have a fantastic date with a man and he says he will call after a few days. They wait, wait and wait to be disappointed that he didn’t follow up as he said he would. But they are happy when they eventually hear back from him and don’t share how they really felt during the no contact period.
What would your advice be for women who have the fear that sharing feelings and emotions will drive a man away and make them come across as someone clingy and needy?
As a woman, if you tend to hesitate or step over bringing up difficult issues or having the “tough” conversations, the relationship is not going to work anyway.
This is part of loving and honoring yourself by speaking up. Dating and relationships do take a lot of communication. It’s a fact. There are men who will have these conversations. The pitfall is not to get too heavy about it. Learn how to keep things lighter.
And boy, have I been there, too. I used to think I was needy and clingy for wanting to spend time with a man or by being an over communicator. What I realized was that I enjoyed a situation more when I knew when I would speak next or see him next. It became “a must to date me” versus an option. I learned how to communicate this nicely.
When we women get annoyed or frustrated, it is not pretty. We all know it happens. We usually feel terrible about ourselves and it comes across in our voices when we speak to men. Yes?
Here is my suggestion: get this discussion up on the table on date one.
Yes, date one. Conversations about your feelings, important issues, and concerns are valid. If he cannot engage in a mature discussion with you about these topics, he may not be the partner for you. If he disappears over this, it could be very telling.
If we are fearful, hesitant or holding back, the relationship will not go well anyway. Women are very caring and loving. Holding back or hesitating to discuss these issues will prevent us from being our real selves and having fun. Let’s talk about how you can talk about this with him so it occurs as light and easy for both of you.
Here is my suggestion about how to bring this up on the first date.
You can say, and it does take being V.U.L.N.E.R.A.B.L.E.! “I’m a little afraid and nervous to talk about this. Communication is important to me and I would really like to start this off on the right foot. I’m excited about getting to know each other very openly.
If something comes up that I would like to communicate about what is the best way to do that with you? Sometimes I hold back and don’t say what I need or want to say. I want to be open, honest and authentic. Is that okay with you as well?”
The reason this approach is effective because he is now engaged in the process with you.
Listen to what he has to say. You can never go wrong by asking a question, but you have to be willing to listen to what he has to say. You can even take a next step and ask, “If you have something on your mind, it’s okay to say it to me.”
Here’s the deal, ladies. Most of the time, men go away because they are afraid they can’t be direct with you or that you will react badly. They are worried they will make women upset. If you can become a woman who can listen and not be dramatic, a man will find you to be potential partner.
Now, how he responds to this heartfelt conversation should be very telling to you, a sign whether he is someone you would like to get to know or not.
Don’t give away your power easily. You are not the victim here. I used to think the man held all the cards until I realized that I did by the questions I asked and how I responded.
Speaking your truth from the get-go allows for open communication with him going forward.
He will also start to understand that you are a woman who honors herself and is clear. You must put your thoughts up and on the table. Men can not read your mind and vice versa. Sometimes, it takes the woman bringing up this conversation so that you are not left waiting and resentful.
I hope this offers another perspective to help you be yourself!
4. Some women have the tendency to attract the wrong men over and over again. Some repeatedly fall for the cheaters, players, men with addiction issues etc. A lot of experts talk about how this comes from unresolved childhood wounds. They also point out that women may themselves have commitment issues.
On the surface though, women find it hard to accept that they would repeatedly fall for the wrong men because that’s what they unconsciously want. Can you explain this issue in detail and how women can overcome it?
This is more common than we may think.
For myself, I attracted the wrong men. My father was an alcoholic, so guess who I attracted? Yep, alcoholics! I also attracted the wrong men because I didn’t love myself enough. I often felt like a loser deep down and my desperation to be loved backfired in many ways. I was seeking love from men and not taking care of myself. I gave my power away to men constantly.
I believed I was victim of my circumstances until I learned differently.
I resolved my issues with my father by taking the Landmark Forum. It was a freeing experience; however, my “partner picker” skills were still off. A few years later, after I found out I was cheated on, I knew something had to change inside of me. Truth be told though, I turned my back to the signs because I loved the attention and the sex. I even wanted to blame him, but I knew it was a deep insecurity inside of me.
Yes, he was a jerk, but I had everything to do with my luck. I realized I desperately wanted to be loved, and love someone, but it was at a cost – a big cost. I needed to learn how to love in a healthy way and be loved.
In my book Loveable, I provide proven practices to help women learn the many skills needed to follow their hearts, trust their instincts, and honor themselves.
This is the KEY to the kingdom of selecting the right partner for you, and also attracting a good partner to you. If your goal is to choose wisely, speak your truth, find your voice, and have a healthy and fulfilling relationship for both of you, check out the chapter of my book called The Busted Man Picker.
Remember, understanding how to follow your heart, trust your instincts and honor yourself isn’t an overnight thing.
If you’re like me, a lot of damage has been done, and it takes time to develop the muscle, but you can do it. The first thing you must confront is that the issue is not the men. It is you. Once you can be truly honest with yourself, then and only then can you take the journey to restore yourself to the person you know you want to be inside a fantastic relationship!
I spent many years going against my own grain, dishonoring myself, making dumb decisions, and picking the wrong people to date and be in relationships with. I can now report that it IS a learned skill and once you have it, it’s yours forever. Once you start honoring yourself, you should realize you need to be nurtured on a day-by-day basis. I am now happily married. My husband adores me and spoils me to pieces, and I can receive it.
The powerful thing about this is that you will fall in love with yourself, a man will respect you. and your energy will give to a respectful partner as well.
If your parent issues are deep, I’d also recommend doing Practice #2, Lighten the Load, in Loveable so you can release those leftovers, freeing your mind, heart and soul of those past mistakes. When these are released and the wounds are healed, you can break unhealthy patterns and start creating new healthy habits.
It is possible. It takes time and work. I’ve done it and helped many clients break patterns, heal the wounds, and be the person they’ve always known they were.
5. Some of our subscribers have the tendency to ignore or overlook the red flags especially when they really like a man. In the process, they create an idealized version of the man and overestimate the feelings he has for them.
For women who have a history of fantasizing and idealizing a partner, what can they do to evaluate the man and their relationship for what it is truly worth rather than what they ideally like it to be?
I used to see the “potential” in someone, and hope he would change.
I wanted to see the best in him. Women do tend to see the best in people, but it can be a pitfall for us as well.
I used to fall for what I call the “cute syndrome” when a very handsome man was interested in me. It was like being the gal in 8th grade that no one liked and FINALLY the quarterback was interested. I wanted to make it work however I could. The problem with this was that I went against my own needs and wants.
This is what got me cheated on. I saw the signs. I knew something was off, but I ignored it. If I told the real truth, I was desperate to be loved.
One must get very clear on who will fulfill them and then stick to your guns. Choosing a life partner is a big and important choice, and not to be taken lightly.
What I recommend is that you do the work in Practice #7 in Loveable called “The Busted Man Picker.” The exercise is creating your Fullfillment List. This exercise has you look at who will fulfill you for a lifetime. It provides a new perspective on “your type.” It allows you to be selfish about your actual wants in a partner.
Being fulfilled as a person, and as a woman is critical when selecting a life partner.
Don’t take it lightly. It matters. You matter. Once you have your Fulfillment List, I suggest asking questions from this list of a potential partner. I recommend ensuring your partner meets at least 80% of this list.
This list is only 8-12 items long – not one of those 25-50 item lists. Those are ridiculous. The goal is being smart about who will fulfill you. If you are committed to finding your dream partner, use this practice as your bible or guide. It has never failed my clients. (link to Jenny & Her Man) I have clients now who tell me, “I am with someone I never thought existed.”
6. Some experts recommend women wait till they get to know the man they are dating and not have sex until you both are committed to exclusivity. Some experts believe you should go with the flow and be spontaneous and not have any rules regarding when you want to sleep with a man. Can you share your thoughts on the right time to have sex?
My thoughts on this is two fold.
First, only follow your own rules. As I mentioned before… follow your heart, trust your instincts and honor yourself. If you ask yourself this question at all times, it will never lead you astray.
For myself, I was always holding out on sex.
Waiting until I was in a committed relationship and in love. That was not happening, so I threw it all out the window. I decided to sleep with men when I wanted to sleep with men. If I slept with them early, I made sure I didn’t hold any expectations. Such as, they will call or it will work out. I had sex because I wanted to have sex.
The other perspective that has worked for clients is for women, who do have that tendency of sleeping with men too early, and then he leaves or it doesn’t work out.
If you’re in that category, you may want to try waiting a bit longer. Try something new or different. I slept with my now husband on the third day we knew each other. I know people who slept with each other on their first date and are now married. I also know couples who waited for months.
My point is, do what works for you, and if it’s not producing the results you want..do something else! Get my drift!
I always recommend to my clients, that if something is not working, its time to do something new or say something new. Doing the same old thing..as they say..is the definition of insanity.
And again, it may be time to listen to those instincts. What does your heart want? Listen and it will tell you. You may just need to slow down enough to actually hear it.
7. Can too much honesty negatively affect a relationship especially when you have just started seeing the other person? How much of the past and even the present should you reveal to the man you are dating? Should you share details like cheating in the previous relationship, the fact you are currently seeing a therapist or you are a recovering alcoholic etc? Some of our subscribers have been too honest and in the process lost out on many men because it freaked them out.
Can you share your thoughts on how women can balance the fine line between honesty and giving themselves the chance to date men and pursue a long term committed relationship?
This is a great question. I would definitely recommend not laying these things on a man in the very beginning.
Men don’t like things that are heavy. They want a woman who is positive, fun, light, happy, and so on, at least initially. The key with men is timing and how you approach such topics.
This doesn’t mean not to bring it up, but I think women tend to talk about this stuff too early and get very dramatic about it, rather than matter of fact. Remember, trust is earned, not given freely.
The key questions are: Is he even someone you want to share this information with yet? Is he being open with you yet? If the answer to either question is no or you’re not sure, perhaps you should wait.
When you’re ready to talk about these issues, one way to broach the subject is by being vulnerable and prefacing what you will be saying.
Here is a sample way to approach a sensitive subject.
“I am not sure it’s a good time yet to share something personal with you. I am a little scared and worried you’ll run away. Being able to be vulnerable with a partner is important to me. If this is too personal will you let me know? I want to be sure you are comfortable. I guess you may run away but…” If he is a good and caring man, he will put your mind at ease and make you feel comfortable and safe enough to express your feelings.
Best times to talk to men:
1. At dinner after you have ordered from the menu.
2. Over the phone when you have his undivided attention.
3. On a walk outside.
4. Sitting somewhere (i.e. on the couch without the TV on)
5. A time you have scheduled with him.
Bad times to talk to men:
1. Just after work when they get home.
2. During a sports game or while watching a movie
3. In the car
4. When you’ve just sat down at a restaurant
8. Our subscribers also run into a situation where things are going great and just when they think the relationship has great potential or feel he is the one, the man starts developing cold feet. He pulls away, doesn’t respond to phone calls or text messages and in some cases disappears for a while.
What advice do you have for women who deal with men that suddenly pull away and act inconsistent?
Oh yes, I’ve been there, and it sucks. One of the main reasons I see this happening is that women do not ask the right questions.
Women leave all the cards in the man’s court. They lose their power and don’t have any idea how things are actually going versus how they think things going.
My biggest suggestion is to ask better questions.
My other suggestion is to be tougher. If he allows you to think things are going well and then disappears without honoring you and telling you why, you have to ask yourself if you really want that kind of man in your life.
I had men come and go myself until I got good at asking killer questions.
When I started asking these questions in a sweet and kind way, men knew I was a woman who was NOT to be messed with. These kinds of games didn’t phase me anymore because I knew the man I was going to be with would be in constant communication and be reliable.
I had a man leave and then want to come back, and by then I was happily married. I think this behavior is a sign he was not ready to be in a mature relationship. The worst thing you can think is that you did something wrong.
As women, we tend to beat ourselves up. Be kind and gentle with yourself, or it will make you nuts. Honestly, get over it. Have fun, and ask better questions next time. I’d imagine you stepped over something in the process. If you didn’t, and he disappeared, wave him goodbye. Next!
To prevent this in the future, I would encourage you to ask more direct questions.
Get these things flat. It’s your heart we are dealing with and you matter. You can never go wrong with multiple-choice questions with men.
A few suggestions:
1. Are you seeing anyone else or are we dating exclusively?
2. Are you sleeping with anyone else?
3. I’m curious, are you looking for a healthy relationship, to get married or are you interested in just dating and playing the field?
4. When people disappear without any communication, it doesn’t work for me. I’m curious, are you prone to that behavior? If yes, ask: What would have you go away?
5. I’ve noticed that people tend to go away when they want to say something and they are a little scared. Do you know you can say anything to me and its okay?
9. What are your top 3 relationship tips that you would offer women who are single and looking for a long term committed relationship?
1. Learn how to follow your heart, trust your instincts and honor yourself always.
2. Learn how to receive love from a man. Men are big givers and capable of lot, if we allow ourselves to receive. If a man can’t give to you, make you happy or contribute to your life, he will find a woman he can. As women, we tend to be so independent. Let him give to you. It makes my life so much easier now.
3. Ask questions.
10. What books or resources would you recommend for women that are looking to attract the right man and create long lasting fulfilling relationships?
I’d also recommend frequenting places where there are people who would like to also be in a healthy, mature, and long-term relationship. We are offering a classy singles destination course and vacation coming up end of May.
For more info, go to www.mylovefulfilled.com. It’s time for you to realize a lasting and fulfilling love life! Also, grab your FREE “How to Master Your Dating Skills” gift at www.happylivingforever.com through Feb 28th.
About Suzanne Muller-Heinz
Suzanne Muller-Heinz is the author of Loveable – 21 Practices for Being in a Loving & Fulfilling Relationship and a co-author for the international bestselling book, Sexy Secrets to a Juicy Love Life. She’s a well-known global Dating & Love Life Coach, who lives with her true love in Europe.
If you’re still single and hungry to learn how to escape the chaotic dating scene and understand how to receive love, love someone fully while loving and honoring yourself, connect with her here.