Am I Too Old To Find Love? – 8 Incredibly Amazing Ways To Overcome This Limiting Belief + Attract the Love You Deserve
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
~ C. S. Lewis
You are never too old to find love. Why would you be?
If you are 50, you probably aren’t looking for a man in his 30’s. A man in his 50’s looking for a woman in her 30’s is probably not someone you’d want to meet anyway. I meet people all the time of all ages who have found someone special. You have to be open to it, though. If you are convinced that you are too old, it’s not your age that will be the problem; it’s your attitude.
Our youth oriented culture emphasizes the physical.
So as we get older, we tend to define ourselves as less attractive. While our bodies are going to change, that’s only one part of what we have to offer.
My women friends are dynamic. They are successful, caring, and fun-loving. They have many interests and projects. Many still work and are masters in their fields. They are always learning and they have the wisdom and perspective that can only be gained by experience. Any man who isn’t attracted to that is an idiot.
These women are not waiting around for some man to come along and make them happy. They have full lives. Yes they might want to share their life with the right man, but that man will have to be pretty special, because they are special.
I have found that single older men and women have realistic concerns about meeting someone who is needy.
They want an active participant, not someone who needs to be taken care of. They look for someone healthy, active and economically secure. Taking care of your health, staying fit, managing your finances and keeping your mind active make you a more attractive prospect to someone who is looking for a functioning partner. Taking care of yourself helps you get the most out of your life whether you meet someone or not.
A great part of getting older is that you know yourself and you are able to more quickly recognize people with whom you will be compatible.
It doesn’t take long to separate the wheat from the chaff. As you age, you realize that life is short; you don’t have time to waste on people who don’t add value to your life. Choose to live fully and you can’t go wrong, with or without a partner.
Sally LeBoy, MFT – www.sallyleboymft.com
For most women dating in this society, the concept of no longer being seen as physically attractive is unsettling at least, and terrifying at most.
The concept of a sexy, exciting, and beautiful “package” is core to our culture of how one’s value on the open market is derived. Yes, we make exceptions for women who have remarkable personalities or have achieved amazing things, but those bargaining tools are too often compensations if physical attractiveness is not present or waning.
So many of my patients over the years have shared their conflicts over re-doing their bodies vis a vis the surgeon’s knife just to stay in the game.
It matters not that just as many men may utilize the same services, because most women are not as hard on physical attributes that are lacking in men as long as they have to offer what our society values in men.
The literature consistently supports the fact that men are more visual and therefore more dependent on what a woman looks like on the outside.
I have found that women are equally visual but are more willing, and perhaps more able, to blend who a man is, what he stands for, and how he is viewed in the world with what he looks like on the outside. Yet, aesthetics do count, and what is attractive to one person, regardless of gender, may be less or more so to another.
I am constantly saddened, though, by wonderful women who try so hard to stay looking young because they have deeply rooted beliefs (often underscored by experience) that they will no longer be attractive to desirable men once they are “past their prime.”
They struggle, based on options and affordability, to utilize every possible opportunity to hold onto the most youthful outside package they can. I’ve seen them use plastic surgery, altered driver’s licenses, hours of working out, wearing youthful clothes, hanging out with younger people, or trying to keep up with lingo used much more by a generation below them, all in the hopes that potential partners will not reject them if they appear too old.
Too often, in that desperate pursuit, they forget the beauty they have inside and the gifts they can give that are not only unaffected by age, but sometimes increased.
They are so focused on trying to hold on to who they used to be, they are forgetting the miracle they have become and do not feel that it will not be enough to hold its own in the dating world they are a part of.
It is a reality that youth is beautiful in its own right.
Smooth skin, unlimited energy, and unbounded options for experiences that do not feel the pressure of time, create a package that is meant to be attractive for the species to continue its drive to maintain procreation. If young people are not besieged by poverty or illness, they have the unquenchable light of a forever-expanding future.
As people age, they cannot avoid looking at life from a different perspective.
They are at different stages of life and their needs change, as well as what they have to offer. This is powerfully obvious in the dating world. But the changes are often very different for women than they are for men. Men can maintain procreative capability well into their maturing years and, if well-endowed with society’s values, can date ever younger potential mates.
Older women, understanding that usefulness is past, must offer men a different kind of attractiveness to continue feeling valuable.
And often, even when they have much still to offer, have difficulty finding the kind of man who would take those gifts over a more youthful version.
The picture seems daunting but it is no longer as discouraging as perhaps it once was. Some very powerful new attitudes about an older woman’s benefit to a relationship are thankfully emerging.
Having worked with patients now for over four decades, I am hearing a new voice in some of the women I now know. I’m also meeting men whose qualifications for an attractive woman are no longer limited to outside package and procreating capability.
Just in the last five years, I have worked with over fifteen couples where the men are from five to twelve years younger than their partners and are deeply grateful to be in the relationship.
The men talk about these women in terms of their kindness, their patience, their maturity, their ability to nurture, their competence, their lack of self-centeredness, and their interesting and deeper values and awareness. They marvel at how easily they bounce back from adversity and find ways to deal with challenges that are versatile and fascinating to their men.
Yes, these men are unusual in terms of what the media normally portrays. But I believe they are increasing. Many have been in many other relationships and have seen both the beauty of youth and its legitimate self-centeredness and now want the wisdom and perspective that is more readily available in a woman who has found her self-worth outside of what men think.
It will be always true that anyone who is in love with life is going to be more attractive, regardless of age or gender.
Genuineness, authenticity, joyfulness, resiliency, open-heartedness, and the like can eclipse the aging process when those qualities increase with maturity. Yes, of course, physical health and vitality must be continually preserved along with excitement and presence in the world. At any age, the loss of those qualities can make a person much less desirable to be with.
I have found over these forty-three years of being so intimately involved in the lives of people who matter deeply to me, that I look beyond the outside package very quickly when the true personality of a person emerges.
I have seen remarkably beautiful people seem less so when they are unable to love and those that appear much more average emerge over time as unbelievably beautiful to me because of their lack of cynicism, their openness to transformation, and their exuberance about life and what wonderful mysteries it still may hold.
So this is my advice. Marketability is defined by the market you choose to compete in.
If you put yourself up against others who manifest qualities you no longer have, you will not be valued. But, if you find people who you love to be with and value you as well, your feelings of no longer being desirable will be eclipsed by your enjoyment of the company at hand.
Dr. Randi Gunther – www.randigunther.com
It’s true we live in a culture that values youth and beauty, and many of the images you see represent that.
It’s also true that the older you get, the fewer the men available to date become. But don’t despair. There are plenty of men out there of every age looking for you. I know that many men in the dating scene are looking for younger women, but many have been around the block a few times themselves, and are looking for serious relationships with women who are their own age, too.
Because you’ve had time to get to know yourself and to build your life, you have a lot to offer a potential partner.
In other words: What’s not to love? You have your own interests and goals in life, you know where you’ve been, and hopefully, have a plan about where you’re going. Someone who wants a mature relationship is looking for someone like you.
There is so much more to relationships than the time in your life when you met someone.
I know people who have fallen in love in their eighties and nineties, long after they ever expected to be alive, much less dating. Age is really only a number (sometimes a very important number, I know). But if age is all your potential date is looking at, you don’t want to date him in the first place, because it’s always going to be a problem, a problem created in his head, and eventually in yours, too.
You can be a wonderful, smart, sexy woman at any age.
Is it really age that’s holding you back, or are you afraid you’ll get hurt again? Or have you been out of the game for so long you feel awkward and don’t know what you’re doing anymore? Date at your own pace, and do exactly what you want to do. There aren’t any rules. Just do what makes sense to you. And don’t let anything, including your age, get in the way!
Becky Bringewatt, MA, LPC, NCC – www.mantiscounselingandcoaching.org
If there is no other lesson to learn about dating and relationships, the biggest message you should come away with is that everyone deserves to find love, no matter how young or old. After all, why should age even be a factor?
Granted, you are competing with younger women, who may be slimmer, taller, more attractive and wealthier than you, but does that mean there isn’t someone out there interested in what you have to offer?
Your internal dialogue is the problem, constantly making excuses for your success or failure in love.
This time you are blaming your age. Be aware that when your thoughts on aging become so distorted, it may be keeping you from making wise or productive decisions.
Stop blaming your age for your screw-ups in love and start making some changes.
The only way to stop being your own worst enemy is by taking an inventory of what’s working and what’s not working. Then make an immediate change to bring yourself closer to the happiness you truly deserve.
In other words, get “out there” more, be friendlier when you meet someone, be an attentive listener, witty and don’t be afraid to show your many talents, skills and expertise on your favorite subjects.
Relationships and love have more to do with who you are as a person than what stage of life you are in.
Men are looking for a wonderful woman who makes them feel good about themselves and who shares like interests. You can do that if you are 25 or 55. It’s how you present yourself to others, how you feel about yourself and how you carry your demeanor that makes a man attractive to you – and that is all up to you.
So, be proud of your age, but be prouder of who you are and how lucky some guy will be when he meets a person like you.
Because after all, the key to your door to happiness is your maturity, experience, knowledge and amazing wisdom.
Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com
Our society puts such pressure on women to find their life partner in their 20’s mainly because of the urge to settle down and have a family.
The good news is that women are now in the work force and establishing careers at this time, or they are still in school for higher education. Many women in their 20’s do not want to get married until they are established in their own careers and they are wise to do this because they can still have healthy pregnancies now into their 40’s. Know that it’s your belief system that will lead you to the right life partner.
Open your heart and know that you are never too old.
I have known people who met their partner in their 80’s. Never say never or you are using your inner critic and limiting self beliefs to negate any possibility of someone coming in.
I was one of those who did not get married for the first time until age 53 and I have no regrets at all. I was in relationships, however they were not right for me and somehow I had that inner knowing.
I did seek therapy to understand why I was selecting men who were not in my highest good then I understood ways to break the cycle. Once I was able to let go of the “need” to find the right man, things seemed to flow better in terms of meeting men, dating and someone coming into my life who felt right.
One aspect of the aging process is to do the kinds of things you love and chances are you will attract someone whom you have similar interests with.
Whether its sports, art, music, literature, or fundraising events, you have a great chance of meeting someone that you are compatible with. Even online dating services have been successful for many and they will match your profile with someone whom you will be somewhat compatible with. I cannot emphasize enough to live your life to its fullest. Take group travel trips or classes aboard a cruise line.
Instead of waiting for Mr. Right to come along, do all the things you love and surrender finding that potential mate.
There is a lot to be said about when you least expect it. So go ahead and have fun because at any age, if you really want someone and release the need, someone will show up who is right for you.
Connie Clancy Fisher, ED.D. – www.drconstance.com
As we age, we mature and grow into who we are meant to be.
We get more comfortable in our own skin and are more aware of what we want and what we like. We are stronger and more confident in who we are as we survive the rights of passage in the different stages of our lives.
With age comes growth and appreciation for the simpler things in life.
With age, we learn to see things from a different perspective and value things we may have missed appreciating in our youth. As women, we offer so much and yet we struggle to see our own worth.
The most sensual part of the body is the brain.
We are limited by our own negative beliefs about what we can’t do or should not do. Be brazen, savor life. Know with absolute confidence that you are a gem, a precious diamond each it’s own unique shape, size and color.
We give life and nurture others often while neglecting ourselves. Nurture yourself and bask in the knowledge that you have earned your place and paid your dues as a woman. This is about standing in your power and taking back what is yours.
Do not give away your confidence or belief in yourself because of someone else’s opinion. It is not what happens to you that defines who you are; it is what you do with what happens to you that defines who you are. If you have made it this far, you are doing something right.
Reject the old tapes and conquer those old beliefs that do not work for you by reframing your approach.
Take a personal asset inventory. What do you bring to the table? Some things might be wisdom, knowledge, love, patience, strength, leadership, and resilience. We can value these characteristics in men, but yet only look to the outside or external presentation when we apply value to a woman.
Every day we are bombarded by messages that we are not good enough.
Don’t validate this by buying into this idea that has no substance. Your power to appreciate yourself is in you, not in someone else’s ignorant idea of beauty or value.
Take back your power and remember that smart, big, confident, flirty, a smile, eyes, your walk, your voice, and you are absolutely sexy when you feel it.
Fake it until you make it if you have to.
There are men out there struggling with the same issues that we are as they age. These men also have so much to offer. It is up to you whether you take the chance to find one of them. Carry yourself with Grace and the knowing that you are a diamond, forged from life.
Ileana Hinojosa, MLA, LMFT – www.themindfullife.net
Any belief you have, whether true or false, right or wrong, good or bad, positive or negative, is just that; your belief!
It is as you believe it. If you like the results you’re getting from your beliefs, don’t change a thing. However, if you do not like the consequences of your beliefs, I suggest you make some changes.
Why?
Because if you continue to do the same thing you have been doing over and over again, you will continue to get the same outcome, over and over again. Just change something, however small it may be. If something changes; something changes.
The first step to change is discontent.
If your beliefs are no longer serving you in a way that leaves you feeling good about yourself, I’d say that’s a good spot for new input. It starts with the way you think, and whatever you think over and over becomes a focus; and what you focus on tends to expand much larger than what it really is.
So if you’re focusing on a belief that is not serving your greater good, change your thoughts about those beliefs, and so will the focus.
Whatever you believe seems as if it is true.
So if you can tell yourself something negative, you can also reverse it to something else you would prefer. For example, if you think, feel, and believe you’re too old to find love, you’re exactly right.
Who’s going to refute your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs? They are yours! The same way you came up with and created them, you can change, update, renew, revise, or consider it as untrue. It’s your call. Whatever you decide, the world will gladly go along with you. It’s entirely up to you.
If you’re used to thinking negatively, it will take some getting used to good, healthy, positive affirmations.
But don’t give up. It can become a new habit just like the old one you’re trying to get rid of. Go to the mirror and start looking for things to compliment yourself on. If you don’t, you can’t expect anybody else to.
So start with you. Try these:
· I am just the age I need to be to attract the person that’s just right for me
· I am the first love of my life
· I love me
· I don’t have to find love; love is looking for me, and I am ready to receive
· I love me
· I expect others to treat me as good as I treat me
· Did I mention, I love me
· I’m liking this change
Are you getting the hang of it now?
Just keep working on it until it feels natural for you; then watch how you begin to attract the same in your life in so many different ways. Notice every small detail of goodness, and express gratitude before each day’s end. This is how you make room for more, by being thankful. Here’s wishing you all the best!
Barbara Ann Williams, LPC, MS – www.barbaraannwilliams.com
It is pretty amazing all the lies that we tell ourselves.
We lie to ourselves for a variety of reasons; most of which stem from a false belief that we are not good enough. On top of our false belief that we are not good enough we start to protect ourselves from further hurt and heartache.
There are so many societal beliefs that stem from fear, one of which is that aging females are not attractive. The truth is that women are attractive at any age. The source of true beauty comes from within. It is not superficial.
Beauty is wisdom, confidence, and quietness that most of don’t develop until we are in our 50’s anyway.
That’s what men are attracted to if they are interested in a long-term relationship. So if you are struggling with self-doubt due to age, ask yourself if you really want a relationship.
Or are you making excuses because you are protecting yourself from further hurt.
Or do you really want to be alone and using age as an excuse keeps friends, family and neighbors off your back about getting into a relationship?
Despite what society says, it is ok to be alone. It is really quite peaceful.
If you are truly insecure due to looks and age, ask yourself why you have such a negative self-view.
Aging can be embraced or a struggle both of which are merely perspectives. If your perspective is causing you unhappiness, which ages the physical body even faster, then change it.
Start by catching the negative thoughts and gently replace them with positive ones.
The types of thoughts we have are stem from beliefs but are also habits. So when we work on changing thought patterns it is really no different than stopping biting fingernails.
Catch yourself doing it and replace the old negative with a new positive. Before long your mind will just start viewing the world from a more positive space, which is always beautiful.
Cynthia Pickett, LCSW, LADC – www.cynthiapickett.com
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