“A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.”
~ Mandy Hale
I have seen it a thousand times.
It even happened to me. I started off strong and open in my relationship and as time progressed, I found I was giving away my time and my power by never putting myself first. That showed up in many different ways. I stopped making as much time for my girlfriend time because my man or my kids needed something from me. I moved around my schedule to meet all of their needs without ever having any of my own needs penned in as an immovable priority. I stopped crafting, for me that meant deconstructing old t-shirts and making them fun and feminine with a strong urban feel. I only sang in the shower now. I didn’t even make time to get to karaoke anymore.
What I didn’t realize until I woke up one day, lying in bed on one of the few lazy Sunday mornings that didn’t entail running all over town as driver for soccer games, I willfully let each piece of me go.
One at a time, I let them slip away until there was nothing left of me but for who I was to my kids and my man. Then I had another, more painful revelation. No one asked me to give up those things. And even more painful, no one would have wanted me to.
My man had been asking me why I didn’t go meet up with friends anymore, he’d watch the kids. My boys offered to get rides to soccer with friends they wanted to see anyway. Why did I have to be the one? Why did I need to be so…. in control?
The twisted thing was my grip to control things lead to an unravelling of uncontrollable chaos.
I couldn’t do it all anymore and wanted to point fingers to blame someone else for hitting that wall of all full. Yet the only one I could point to was me.
Luckily, I caught and recognized myself repeating the unhealthy family dynamics I had when I was growing up. My mom did it all and never asked for help. I saw her so tired and frustrated a lot of the time. I didn’t have to repeat that. So I asked for help. And I began to ask for what I wanted.
I made me a priority. And I did it consistently. That meant putting my plans in pen on the calendar first!
From there, I was surprised how easily I could find time to meet up for a pedi/mani with girlfriends, hit a karaoke night to sing my heart out, and pull out my sewing machine and t-shirts and just create. My kids helped make more dinners, my friends and got to see each other more, and I got to connect more intimately with my man. He could feel my changed confidence and found that confidence sexy. I don’t have to tell you what else improved once he noticed that.
Kate Houston, Love Coach - www.fabulousandfearlessover40.com
Let’s begin with a question: what does it mean to be high value woman?
Or to rephrase: What does it mean to be a woman of values and worth in your relationships, intimate and other?
Firstly, being a high value woman or a woman of values and worth means that you do have values. In other words, you have principles, standards, ethics, and ideals, which are in your conscious awareness.
Secondly, being a high value woman or a woman of values and worth means that, to the best of your ability, you live by your principles, standards, ethics and ideals, because to do otherwise would be to betray yourself and all you hold dear. You don’t park your values at the door in any relationship, including romantic ones.
Now, this is not to say that some of your values and ideals mightn’t shift with time and experience – sometimes you need to adapt to life as it evolves and situations as they are. But, typically, your most important, most deeply held values and ideals don’t change, even in matters of love.
Thirdly, being a high value woman or a woman of values and worth means that you acknowledge your own value. You accept that you are fundamentally worthy, and you wear this unassailable truth with pride. Your value and worth are something that you should never, ever need to prove to others, especially not to your lover. You are alive and breathing, therefore you are worthy and have value.
Fourthly, being a high value woman or woman of values and worth means that you walk through the world in specific ways. The following apply, not just to romantic relationships, but to all relationships.
- You’ve carefully considered your values (principles, standards, ethics, and ideals) You’ve got a pretty good idea which values are unchangeable, and which might be situational.
- You can clearly articulate your values to others, especially to you lover.
- You do your best to live up to your values. This means that, as well as possible, your actions are consistent with your values, including when it comes to love.
- You make a stand for your values when it is important to do so.
- You honor your own intrinsic worth. For instance, you don’t accept disrespectful behavior from others, your lover most especially. And you don’t disrespect yourself by putting yourself in unsafe situations.
- Your treatment of others, including your lover, is consistent with your most deeply held values.
- When you are in breach of your values, you deal with the fall-out by making amends. Making amends requires that you restore trust by acknowledging your mistakes, correcting them where needed and undertaking to do better in the future. Strong relationships are built upon this principle.
So, to summarize. To be a high value woman in love and in life, you know your own worth as well as your most deeply held values and behave as well as you can in accordance with them.
That’s called living a life of integrity and it’s what high value women do in their relationships.
Mary Rizk, Transformative Coach - www.maryrizk.com
Too often women think that to be appealing to a prospective partner, that they have to be flexible, adaptable, accommodating, and giving in to his wishes to make the relationship go well.
There are a lot of cultural messages that reinforce this perspective.
However, these behaviors too often lead to your feelings, opinions, and preferences actually being devalued, dismissed, and ignored.
If you want to be highly valued in your life and relationship you have to stand up, be visible, and be heard.
You are much more likely to find the man of your dreams if you are truly and completely yourself. When you consistently hide or down play your own ideas, feelings, thoughts, and choices, you become invisible. If you aren’t visible and fully present in your interactions, you’ll find that the man you’re with doesn’t see the real you, and he’s unlikely to really fit your life, values, and preferences.
Finding a man who you can feel comfortable with for a lifetime means that you have to fully put out who you are, what you want, and how you feel about everything.
That doesn’t mean you’re going to be a bully and demand that everything go your way, but you’ll need to put your opinions and preferences on the table for discussion. Otherwise, he’ll fall in love with the fake you, and you’ll never actually trust that he really loves you for yourself.
When you hide your true opinions and desires until the relationship seems permanent and secure, it can result in both of you being hurt, dissatisfied, and disgruntled when eventually you can’t stand faking it any longer and openly show him what you really think, feel, and want. At that point, he legitimately may feel that he’s been tricked, and you can feel that he really doesn’t love or care about the real you.
When you truly value yourself, you have the courage to express your thoughts and opinions, you can show how you really feel about a situation, and you’re more likely to be congruent with your true values and yearnings.
Finding the right person to spend a lifetime with means being truly yourself, valuing who you are, and only investing in a relationship that really meets your needs. One in which you’re valued wholly and completely for who you truly are.
Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D., LMFT – www.margalistherapy.com
I’m quite sure that you are already a high value woman. Why wouldn’t you be? I believe in people’s intrinsic value, so unless you’re an axe murderer, you have value. Whether or not you recognize your value is another subject. And if your partner doesn’t recognize your value you are with the wrong guy!
I think women have a hard time feeling valued because they rely too much on unrealistic standards and external (usually male) validation.
It’s very hard not to compare ourselves to standards of beauty and achievement based on constant media exposure. With social media there is instant feedback, positive and negative from your peer group and the rest of the world. We are bombarded by ever-changing information. What’s “in” today is old news tomorrow. When a million people “like” a meme or a post, it’s hard not to assume that it represents what is acceptable and desirable.
When I was growing up, we had the same challenges. It was a long time ago but we still had TV, movies and magazines. In Los Angeles in the 1960’s beautiful was thin with blond straight hair and a little turned up nose. I, like all of my peers, strived for that certain look. And we spent a lot of time and energy trying to achieve it. However, there wasn’t the Internet. Instant information just wasn’t available and social pressure was there but I think less intense.
When I look back I regret all of the time I spent trying to be a high value woman by striving for goals that weren’t necessarily mine.
It’s hard to figure yourself out, to find out what really matters to you, what your values and goals are and what makes you uniquely you. It’s really a life-long challenge. As we grow, we change so you can’t just assume that this is it. What defines you at 18 is going to be different than what defines you at 35. Truly, the energy expended seeking approval from others is much better spent trying to understand and develop yourself.
There is nobody else like you.
We are all unique, not more or less important than anyone else, but still unique. Discovering yourself is a journey worth taking. Trying to be someone you aren’t is futile and prevents you from discovering who you actually are. Being a high value woman means knowing, developing and accepting yourself. High value woman are self-defined, not defined by the standards of others.
Sally LeBoy, MFT – www.sallyleboymft.com
Being a high value woman is so much more than just physical it's personality, confidence, charisma.
It's consistently choosing self love & remembering your worth. Not in a way that's narcissistic, in a way that's soft as the gentle rain and yet as powerful as the ocean.
She is passionate. She is sensual and not afraid to share herself sexually with the right man.
Men connect to intimacy more on the physical level & it's important to show up sexually for the right man full of passion! Letting him know that he fulfills all your needs & sharing with him your deepest desires.
She doesn't try to trap a man. She is bubbling over with confidence and well rounded ness .
She doesn't play hard to get but she won't hesitate to walk away from anyone who's not meeting her in her value and affection.
Part of the reason she's high value is that she knows her worth & she doesn't settle for less. // but she is patient, she is loving, she is kind... she's not afraid to take the journey with the right man and she's whole enough to be patient in the moments when he requires a little space, etc. When the right man shows up she won't be interested in or have time for game playing, part of being high value is recognizing others worth, instead she will be grateful she will willingly kneel at the temple of his love an open and active participant.
She is comfortable expressing her wants, needs and desires ... but she does so in a way that is soft, steady & clear ... she's grounded enough in herself to believe in her feelings and dreams and has the confidence to express them but not in a way that is demeaning or damaging to her partner/potential partner. She's softened her boundaries, but raised her standards. She knows everyone, even her man has fears, wounds, insecurities & she fully receives and accepts him 'flaws' and all, the same way she fully sees and accepts herself.
She has a full life, she has a satisfying career, close friends & family relationships, passions, hobbies & dreams.
She gives energy to these things but is also not afraid to be vulnerable and available for her man. She's still available enough to BE in the present moment, she makes her man feel like he's the only thing that matters in the whole world when they are sharing those intimate moments & he values them more because he knows that she only gives her time to things that move her, that make her heart soar.
A high value woman loves herself deeply & that love echoes out to those in her life. It all starts with believing that you are worth it.
Ashley Davene, Relationship Counselor - www.ashleydavene.com
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