April 27, 2018

My Boyfriend is Immature But I Love Him- What Should I Do?

My Boyfriend is Immature But I Love Him- What Should I Do

“A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.”

~ Mandy Hale

# Shift your language away from evaluative statements
Kate Houston

Let’s start this conversation by better understanding the word ‘immature.’

We all have our own understanding of the word’s meaning, but for the sake of getting us all on the same page, let’s take a look at Merriam Webster’s definition: 1. Not fully developed. 2. Inexperienced.

What I love about Webster’s definition of immature is that it holds no evaluative qualities to it. The word merely means “I’m not there yet.” It doesn’t mean “I’m doing this to hurt you,” or “You don’t deserve my love.”

What if we could step back from the words like immature we use to outwardly express our disappointment in our partners and instead spent some time looking inward to decode and identify the very real and scary feelings we had to actually reveal our innermost fears, even to ourselves?

I bet with a little honest digging we might just find some lingering insecurities around our own “I’m not there yet” beliefs.

When we lash out with criticisms and project them all over our partner, what we most likely are screaming is “I’m scared,” but perhaps we’ve never been truly heard before so it’s too terrifying to open up and share that. Or something deep inside us feels insecure and maybe too vulnerable, exposed or inadequate to share it. It may mean we don’t have control of something in our world when control in the past has fearlessly protected us from getting hurt.

So let’s look at “I’m not there yet.”

What I love about that sentence is contains hope and direction. “Yet.” It means “I’m working on it,” and “I admit I’m fallible. Imperfect. Uncertain. Down right mortal.” “I make mistakes,” and “I’m learning.” So don’t mistakenly give up on your partner just because he’s stuck right now. We all get stuck. And we all need compassion and space to grow, especially when it isn’t at the same pace as our partner.

So what is the best way to share both your feelings honestly while also sharing relationship concerns?

Shift your language away from evaluative statements, and end using words like always, never, worst, or other descriptive words that come from a place of opinion or perspective. Instead create observational statements that describe specific behavior that happened.

For example, this is an evaluative statement that can lead to disconnect: “You never put the toilet seat down!” The observational statement that would lead to greater intimacy and sharing of our feelings would be something like, “Over the last week, I’ve had to lower the toilet seat six out of seven mornings and each time I didn’t notice it until I sat down on the cold porcelain and got a freezing shock to start my day. I would be in a better morning mood. I know it may sound silly, but I would feel loved and respected by you if you remembered to lower the toilet seat when you are done with it.”

Try it out!

Kate Houston, Love Coach - www.fabulousandfearlessover40.com

# You can 2 options to tackle this issue

Immaturity can be defined in any number of ways, for example it can refer to a person who is childish, babyish, inexperienced, unsophisticated, unworldly or naïve.  Or, let’s just say, not grown up or adult.

Of course, what constitutes immaturity is in the eye of the beholder. What you might think is babyish or unsophisticated may not be viewed that way by someone else, especially not by the man in question.

Yes. He might have a completely different view of himself.

Nonetheless, in my experience, people who arguably behave immaturely are people who have not been allowed to assume adult responsibilities. That’s likely because someone in their life takes on those responsibilities for them. That person assumes that the “immature” person can’t or won’t do what’s required and so she thinks it’s her job to fill the void.

As a result, she may feel resentful, frustrated and disillusioned by the “immaturity” of the man in the question. She may also see herself as a victim. “Why do I have to do everything?”, she will say to herself.

Then, there is his perspective on her.

He might see her as bossy, controlling and demanding. He consequently builds up resentments of his own.  Not the stuff of a great relationship.

If any of the above apply in your situation, my questions to you are these: Do you wish to be seen as bossy and controlling? Is this how you want to be in this relationship?

Assuming the answer is “no” on both counts, what do you do -- especially if you love this man and want the best for him and yourself?

Task One: Understand that respectful relationships are the key

It’s important that you do your part in establishing a respectful, adult-to-adult relationship with your lover.

Healthy relationships are respectful ones, where each of you assumes that the other is both worthy and competent.

You each have your strengths and qualities to bring to the relationship. His strengths may be different than yours, but they are of equal value. Therefore, each of you makes room for the other to make a contribution to your lives together. 

What this means for you is that, if you want your man to demonstrate his maturity, then you need to step back and allow that happen.  

Here’s how you might go about it.

Task Two: Do your part in establishing a respectful, adult-to-adult relationship

  • Step out of the parenting role. Don’t be either the boss or the subordinate in the relationship. If you want him to grow up, then don’t treat him like a child.
  • Don’t fix him or attempt to fix him. It’s not your job. Instead take a good hard look at yourself, seeing where you might make improvements in your own character and behavior.
  • Let him assume responsibility for what’s his to do. If you keep taking over his responsibilities, he will not be able to grow or demonstrate his maturity.  And leave room for failure. We all live and learn, don’t we?
  • See his strengths and begin to appreciate them. Recall what you love about him, what brought you together and place your focus there.

Adjust your view of him. It may not be that he’s immature. Rather, it may be that he just has a different way of being in the world – a way unlike yours, but still valid. You can then modify your expectations of him accordingly.

Mary Rizk, Transformative Coach - www.maryrizk.com

# Follow the below guidelines

Maturity means different things to different people

At some point in our lives, we hope to be considered mature and to display certain qualities that exhibit that maturity.  

Here are some guidelines:

  • You take your commitments seriously and follow through with your decisions.
  • You are responsible and people feel they can depend on you.
  • Your comments and ideas are respected and considered valuable.
  • You know the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
  • You are sensitive to others and respect their boundaries.
  • Your temperament is steady, even in the midst of turmoil.

If you are noticing that your boyfriend lacks some of these qualities, what can you do? 

Just remember, that it is impossible to change anyone else, unless they want to change.  Your job is not to “fix” him and unless he’s ready or even aware, he will resist your suggestions.

Granted, he must have some wonderful qualities or you wouldn’t be seeing him and if you can overlook his immature behavior, then you can go on with the relationship.  Unfortunately, immaturity is hard to ignore so stop making excuses for him.  Let him suffer the consequences of his behavior and maybe a light bulb will go off and he’ll change. If not, it may be time to evaluate your relationship to see if this is really what you want.

Another option is to seek professional guidance.  

A counselor will help you understand how his behavior is affecting the relationship, give you insights into why he is behaving this way and perhaps how to better deal with the situation. The time you put into the relationship depends on how much you care.  If you feel he’s worth the effort, be patient and hopefully, he’ll “get it” and grow up.

Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com

Copyright Notice

You may not, except with express written permission, distribute or commercially exploit the content. Nor may you transmit it or store it in any other website or other form of electronic retrieval system.

Related Posts

How Do I Overcome My Insecurities As the Relationship Moves Forward: 5 Brilliant Insights Revealed Inside

Qualities To Look For in a Man Before Getting Married – 7 Relationship Experts Reveal Exactly What To Look For in Mr. Right

He Looks At Other Women- 5 Relationship Experts Reveal Exactly How To Handle This

Does He Need Space or Is It Over? – 7 Experts Reveal Exactly How To Distinguish Between the Two

How To Communicate With Him When He Shuts Down – 7 Fascinating Tips + Insights Revealed Inside

How To Be Vulnerable Without Being Needy- 7+ Love Experts Share Fascinating Insights On Creating a Strong, Passionate and Long-Lasting Relationship

How To Know If It’s a Rebound Relationship or Real Love – 6 Effortless Ways To Distinguish Between the Two

How To Stop Feeling Insecure About My Boyfriend’s Exes – [4 Expert-Proven Tips To Overcome Your Insecurity and Enjoy Your Relationship]

How To Make Sure He Doesn’t Waste Your Time in a Relationship – 4 Effortless + Easy Ways Revealed Inside

He Pulled Away After We Slept Together – 4 Brilliant Strategies [Revealed Inside] on What To Do About it

Am I Too Old To Find Love? – 8 Incredibly Amazing Ways To Overcome This Limiting Belief + Attract the Love You Deserve

How To Be Supportive To Him Without Being a Pushover – 4 Remarkably Effective Ways To Be a Supportive and Encouraging Partner

Can’t Stop Thinking About Him? – 4 Relationship Experts Reveal Incredibly Powerful + Effective Strategies

How To Tell If You Like Him or the Idea of Him – 4 Relationship Experts Reveal Exactly How To Differentiate Between the Two

What To Do When He Loses Interest in Me – [5 Relationship Experts Reveal Must-Know Fascinating Insights]

How To Get Over the Fear of Never Finding Love – 10 Expert-Approved Tips on Overcoming Your Fear of Never Finding the ‘One’

How Long Should I Wait Before Coming Physically Intimate With Him – 3 Must-Know Tips + Insights Revealed Inside

Will He Come Back To Me If I Let Him Go? – 5 Fascinating Insights From the Top Relationship Experts

What To Do When You are in Love But Not Sexually Attracted To Him

How To Go From Casual Dating To a Serious Relationship – 3 Relationship Experts Share Proven Tips + Insights

My Divorced Boyfriend Doesn’t Want To Get Married Again- What Should I Do?

5 Relationship Experts Share Powerful Insights on How To Walk Away From Someone You Love That Doesn’t Love You

I Love My Boyfriend But I am Not Sure He is the One – What Should I Do?

15+ Relationship Experts Reveal What To Do When You are Falling Out of Love

How To Know When It’s Time To Let Him Go and Move on- 12+ Love Experts Share Their Best Tips, Strategies and Insights

How To Resolve Conflict in a Healthy Way: 6 Experts Share Effective Tips To Overcome Conflict + Strengthen Your Relationship)

My Boyfriend is Being a Jerk: What Should I Do (4 Relationship Experts Reveal How To Deal With Him)

5 Relationship Experts Reveal the Key Attributes of a High Value Woman

3 Relationship Experts Share Effective Ways To Discuss Boundaries With Him

5 Relationship Experts Share How Available Should You Be in a Relationship

Exposed: The Magical Text That Makes Almost Any Man Psychologically Addicted to You…