March 16, 2018

5 Relationship Experts Share How Available Should You Be in a Relationship

How Available Should You Be in a Relationship

“A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.”

~ Mandy Hale

# A man is attracted to a woman who has a fulfilled life on her own
Kate Houston

There is a universal energy we all share.

We feel it when we walk into a festive room full of celebration or that boardroom sitting in complete silence. We carry and share that energy wherever we go and with whomever we meet. Who hasn’t felt that incredible spark on a first date? Interestingly enough we continue to share that kind of energy when we are not physically with someone.

Have you ever dated a man where sparks flew and you were both excited only to have it fizzle out without any explanation?

I have. Energy, MY energy, played a big role in how things unfolded. I was so excited by the first date connection and the amazing conversation we shared that I couldn’t help but hyperfocus on when he might text or call me or when we might see each other again. I talked to my best friend about him, thought about things we could do together, cleared my calendar mentally for the next week and waited for his call. But he didn’t call.

On day two I sent him a random smiley face and thanks for the sweet date text, hoping he would get the hint to reply. A few more days passed. I heard nothing back. By then I had spun myself into an anxious wreck. I asked my best friend, should I call him? Send him another text? I’d written and re-written “the text” in some form over ten times though I never sent it. Sound familiar?

Even though I didn’t have direct communication with him, he could feel my anxious energy I was exuding miles away.

Yes men can and do feel our energy like that! What I wasn’t doing was looking at reality in front of me. I had had a great date with a lovely man who I would see again if he asked me. That was all! Instead I spun into future tripping about what might be possible with this man, I stopped making solid plans with friends to make space for his call and next date. But instead of hearing from him and making a date for the weekend, I sat alone in my living room with no plans and only Netflix binge watching to comfort me.

I put my life on hold for a man I had had one date with. One date! And he could feel that. I looked at myself in the mirror and didn’t like who I saw, so how could I expect this man to like me? I wasn’t desperate but looking back at how I showed up after that date, I could see how I gave off that vibe.

So what did I do?

The next time after I had a promising first date, I let the man know it felt good getting to know him and that it would feel good to hear from him again. Then, I did something incredible. I kept on living my life!

Instead of putting my life on hold, I made plans with friends, I continued to attend my evening yoga classes, and yes, scheduled dates with other men. And when this man crossed my mind, I felt grateful for the lovely evening, noted the qualities I liked that I would like in my man then stopped fixating on him or what might be. 

A man is attracted to a woman who has a fulfilled life on her own.

He can feel that energy, that excitement for life, a life he wants to get to know and discover. By living life out completely, I realized the right man will want to pursue me, and I will get to choose if he is the right fit for me.

Kate Houston, Love Coach -

# Make wise choices that won’t compromise your own self-respect

Dating in the twenty-first century is not easy.

With use of social media dating these days, one would think it would be simple. Many question just how to handle how much to communicate on the dating sites, text, talk on the phone, first meetings etc. I have seen countless women in my practice feel conflicted on how available to be for someone they are dating without seeming needy or desperate.

We all have a certain amount of baggage we bring to the table.

It’s not a good idea to tell all in the beginning. Go easy and pace yourself. I believe a good rule of thumb is moderation. It is a good idea to pace yourself especially in the beginning when you are getting to know one another. If women feel insecure, they are apt to share too much too soon including making too much effort. Let the man pursue you.

Be yourself, and be a bit old fashion.

You don’t have to be too available and remember that men like the chase even though they don’t admit it. Let him do the work and you don’t always have to be available.

It’s okay to say no and have other plans. Men do not like desperate and needy and you don’t want to be desperate and needy. Someone who wants to spend time with you and get to know you will make the effort.

It’s also okay not to return texts or phone calls right away. You can enjoy his company and get to know him, and get to know others as well. You will be able to eliminate men you are not that interested in as time goes on and you can develop more of a relationship with him while you go slowly. You are worth his wait.

I would caution you on getting too intimate too soon. Respect yourself and your body and in time so will he.

The bottom line is just be yourself and make wise choices that won’t compromise your own self-respect.

Have fun and show up in the room. Do not be attached to the outcome and let it all unfold the way it’s supposed to unfold and you will be much happier no matter what the result.

If he stops communicating, forget him and go onto the next one. You will be glad you did.

Connie Clancy Fisher, ED.D. –

# Realize there is a difference between how men and women communicate
Margalis Fjelstad

Men and women tend to communicate differently.

When we women share our challenges, fears and difficulties with other women, it can create a bonding experience between us. But when we share these same things with men, they often feel that they’re being called on to take care of us, fix the problem, or in some way offer a solution. So, to the man, we come across as needing something from him when we do this kind of sharing.

These differences in communication styles can get in the way of men and women becoming closer.

We want to show we’re trusting the man with these confidences, while he primarily sees problems that he has to take care of.

One question I think it’s important to clarify in your own mind is whether you’re looking for a man to solve issues in your life and take care of you emotionally, physically, or financially.

If you are, then showing him that you need him is probably a good choice to make.

If, however, you’re looking for an equal, partnership-type relationship, then letting him know about problems you’ve handled successfully could be a better direction to go. At the same time, being so independent that you convey you don’t need him for anything could also be offputting.

Tackling a challenging situation together is the core story element in most romantic movies for a reason.

Facing difficulties together, supporting and encouraging each other, actually does create the strongest bonds. Talking about past troubles and situations isn’t actually very energizing for couples. Instead, focus on creating experiences together—a camping trip, building something, washing the dog, preparing a meal, planting a garden. Sharing experiences together provides both of you a chance to get to know the other person in a new and deeper way.

Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D., LMFT –

# The key in relating is organic unfoldment, not game playing

We want to make sure that we are creating ourselves into a fulfilled life where we have passions and hobbies, friends, family, activities to include sacred alone time where we just read a good book, take a hot bubble bath, watch a RomCom, so forth. from this place we don’t have to worry about game playing, making ourselves unavailable, playing hard to get etc. because we will already be fulfilled and flowing and naturally not available ALL the time, which p.s. Is healthy.

A little mystery in life and in romance (especially in the beginning but always) is a sexy thing.

We want to reveal ourselves in layers over time, that’s what intimacy is… a revelation process… which means we have to allow the time for intimacy to deepen. When we give things a little time in between to build, we open space for clarity to happen, events to unfold, and we give our partners time to get on the same page with us, time to feel each other out to see where the chemistry and connection is. When we can stay focused on our busy vibrant lives, we open that space for natural bonds to build without us having to force, or chase after them.

The key in relating is organic unfoldment, not game playing.

Never play hard to get as this can often backfire and is the opposite of what you truly desire to begin with, which is connection. Be mature, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, vulnerability is about taking the risk of showing up and softening into your partner. Ladies, men will often pull away from time to time especially in the beginning, this is normal, men receive love and process on a nervous system level very differently than we do, sometimes they need a little space and time to show up.

When this happens, your fear, your wounds, your ego will encourage you to be cold and distant when they show up again… don’t… soften, be warm, be loving, be grateful and enjoy with your partner. Again, creating more of what you actually desire; connection but also showing your partner that you are a whole vibrant woman and have a full life of fabulousness to keep you busy while your partner does his thing. This is also super sexy. Way more attractive than playing hard to get or engaging in the fear, jealousy, negative emotions, that might come up in their absence.

When in doubt, remember, balance in all things.

Be available enough to be present, be vulnerable, be revealing yourself layer by layer organically over time to keep that connection building and growing, but don’t be game playing, pushing your partner away, or being emotionally unavailable / vulnerable i.e. Preventing a solid relationship from forming. Do set boundaries for yourself, reach out when you organically feel it, but if you haven’t heard back in a few hours etc. don’t reach out again, that’s your cue to step back do you authentically and give it all time to unfold. Remember, the best things in life take time so be patient, be whole and confident within yourself to have the organic experience and take the ride. 

Ashley Davene, Relationship Counselor -

# As much as you feel comfortable

When you are in a new relationship, how available should you be?  

The answer is, “As much as you feel comfortable.” In other words, if you like him that much and you both want to see each other, enjoy yourself and spend quality time together.  This doesn’t mean you should stop doing things alone or with your friends. It just means you are developing a relationship and want to see where it goes.

One thing to understand is that men and women are wired differently.

A man needs to pursue a woman.  He enjoys the chase. He wants to catch you and win your heart over because that’s his way of feeling attached and connected to you.  So, let him do the asking and planning. You don’t want to take his role or job away from him, because he may lose interest.

Just be yourself when you are together.  

Show him how much he fascinates you, by laughing at his jokes and listening to his stories.  Men like to feel good about themselves and you can reinforce that by showing him you’re an attentive “catch” that he would miss if he let you go.

Once you are settled in the relationship, things change and even out, because the emotional investment is established.  Of course, you continue being there for him and he for you, but because he really cares he will do everything to keep you in his life.

Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC –

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