July 7, 2018

He Pulled Away After We Slept Together – 4 Brilliant Strategies [Revealed Inside] on What To Do About it

He Pulled Away After We Slept Together

“A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.”

~ Mandy Hale

# Explore the below options
Ileana-Hinojosa

This is a tricky subject. It is impossible to really know why someone might pull away after intimacy. Despite that we may never know, the need to know can drive us crazy. We need to know so that we can have closure so to speak or at least have a reason for his distance.

The lingering questions can range from whether the sex was good to whether you were just another conquest to him. The reason for pulling away may be quite simple for him, but it is much more complicated for us. There is so much judgement and investment attached to being rejected after intimacy for women. It can cause us to struggle with our dignity, self-respect and self-worth.

 Know yourself

While not all men are the same, some may view sex as a game or conquest. Men that are not looking for a relationship may get their validation from the women they are intimate with. Emotional investment is important to women who are looking for a relationship. It may seem like he is interested, but the real question is whether he is emotionally invested.

Men will work for the conquest as much as they will work for the relationship, so be mindful that you are both working toward the same thing. If you want something less binding with no strings attached, then being intimate might come sooner in the relationship. You may be interested in something more fun or casual than anything serious. Make sure you understand your own intentions when meeting someone and pursuing a relationship.

The relationship

If you want more from the relationship, listen to what he is really saying. Men will often speak their truth, but we don’t always hear it. There is a reason for this. We can easily fall in the love with the idea of what we want regarding the relationship. Be careful not to assume or fill in the gaps with your own ideas of what you want in the relationship. What words is he using and what does he really mean?

Ask more questions if something is not clear.

If he is evasive or avoids discussing the relationship more in depth, pay attention. What is he not saying when talking about what he wants from the relationship? Don’t sugarcoat what he is saying and assume he will fall in love and change his mind about you later. Take him at face value in the present. Don’t set yourself up for failure and think that you will change him.

It is your decision if you choose to be intimate with him. Remember you set the pace for the relationship. Take your time and go slow. Make sure he is who he says he is and establish trust before you become intimate.

If he is rushing you, be mindful of what you need and maintain your boundaries. If he is emotionally invested and respects you, he will wait for intimacy. If you decide to initiate intimacy, that is your choice. If you are worried that you will lose him if you are not intimate with him, let him move on because you set the pace. You don’t need that kind of pressure in a relationship.

Intimacy

The fact is that women need and want intimacy as much as men do. In fact, women enjoy it as much as men do; so, what is the problem? When we become emotionally attached to him, it becomes difficult to let go. He is a good catch and he checks all the boxes and so you want the whole package. The problem comes when he has a different idea of his expectations of you and what you have together.  

Lust is a powerful force that can persuade even the most disciplined people to be intimate. The bottom line is if you are offering, there is always someone willing to receive. Be mindful how you spend your energy and who you invest your time with. Some men are extremely patient and will wait if they know that they will be able to get to the point of intimacy.

Moving on

Once he is fulfilled, it is impossible to know why he has distanced himself after intimacy. You cannot read his mind. Remember that if he is ashamed of his behavior or knows that you are going to ask him to be accountable, it is easier for him to disappear. He does not want to explain himself for behaving like a jerk. He does not want to answer questions regarding his decision to pull away after sex. He also does not want to give you the opportunity to get angry with him and wound him once he has pulled away. He is operating by the policy that works best for him, which is silence.

If he pulls away, let him go.

Don’t waste your time trying to figure it out. You may never know why, but that does not mean that you can’t move on with dignity. If he pulls away, there is nothing you can do to change that. Be mindful that this does not consume too much of your time and energy. 

Focus on other things.

Go out with friends and keep yourself busy and surround yourself with caring and supportive people. Don’t let this kind of experience rattle you. It does not mean that you did something wrong or that there is something wrong with you. On the contrary, he was not a good fit for you and you don’t need to hang on to something that is not going to work for you. Forgive and be good to yourself.

Ileana Hinojosa, MLA, LMFT – www.themindfullife.net

# Follow the 3 tips below
Jacklyn B

If you realized that he pulled away right after you were intimate together, then he obviously was only looking for intimacy.

Going forward, if you care about him and you spent lots of time together prior to being intimate, then be honest with him. Stand up for yourself! Communicate to him how you feel about him pulling away. Put him in his place!

There is no excuse for his behavior. It’s important to be honest with people about one’s intentions. If this is something he had told you that he was only interested in, then on some level this was to be expected from him.

On the other hand, if he was behaving in a way that showed you he was genuinely interested in getting to know you as a person and you spent plenty of time together prior to being intimate, then recognizing this man is not a quality man is the first step in moving on.

Ask yourself, do you want a quality man who is interested in getting to know you and wants to spend quality time with you? If yes, then searching for such a man is one of your next goals! 

Here are some steps you can take to help yourself get through this painful time:

1-    Engage in lots of self-care: make sure you do things for yourself that you enjoy, whether it be reading a book, taking a bath, ordering in your favorite meal, going to the salon for some pampering, buying yourself a gift, taking yourself to the beach.

2-    Socialize: go out with friends, go see family, surround yourself with people who love you and have your best interests at heart.

3-    Make a list of your needs vs. wants in a relationship: Don’t confuse needs and wants. Needs are your deal breakers and wants are things that would be nice to have but are not necessities in a relationship.

Jackie B, LCSW – www.psychotherapistjackie.wordpress.com

# Try not to get swept up into the first reaction or the fear
Ashley-Davene

Any time we experience deeper intimacy whether physical, emotional, or spiritual, it can trigger old wounds or just fears in general in us and our partners.

The way that the feminine and masculine respond to the feeling of love is often very different, the feminine wants to talk things through, they desire deeper security and commitment from their masculine counterpart.

The masculine on the other hand, tends to get really quiet when they feel love, or fears have been triggered through deeper intimacy. This goes back to our ancient ancestors, when there was a threat in the environment the masculine would get quiet and take action, often that meant retreating and formulating a plan. 

The feminine on the other hand would want to use their voice, they were in charge of creating bonds within the community, sharing stories, knowledge, women are actually the keepers of most history and folklore that’s been passed through the ages. You can see how our reaction to fear and deeper feelings of love is often very different. If you’re man pulls back, don’t jump to the conclusion that he’s not interested, give it some time and space.

One of the things to consistently remember about love and relating in general is; you should never be looking for validation outside of yourself, healthy good deep relating truly starts with self love first,

This potential situation is a perfect example of why, no one is going to consistently meet our needs or be exactly what we need them to be etc. only we have the power to consistently BE that for ourselves… that’s a beautiful thing because in this space, while it might be upsetting to feel them pull away, you have the peace, awareness, tools and self love to ride the wave. 

That’s what surrender really is, not claiming any extremes but just really learn to surf with the ebbs and flows of love and life in general. When they pull away, give them healthy space. 

Let them sort things out, shower yourself with self care and love, get in deeper alignment with your goals. But don’t, close your heart to them, don’t pull away in response, push them away or play games… this will never work with the masculine.

Be soft, when he returns, and if he’s the right one, he will. Melt and fold into him, tell him how much you’ve missed him and how much you loved being close to him. Real men of value are looking for and excited about! A deep, vulnerable woman. Withholding your feelings fully is a mistake… offering them up in delicious, soft, palatable doses on the other hand, is what’s up.

I like to use the analogy that love is like Fire 🔥 we often look to the masculine as feminine and go ok…warm us! We stand there, withholding the oxygen and wood necessary for it to grow and build and blaze because we are waiting for it to warm us!

First… this never works… in order to fuel it, you have to feed it… you cant stand there saying I wont until you do and vise versa… when you feed your man, when you just stand in appreciation, not neediness or clingyness (granite we will all have our moments that’s what good true love does, it loves us through, that doesn’t mean it tolerates it) just in appreciation of who they are at the core… that’s a sexy delicious space to be and that will call the right man to attention and deeper intimacy and love.

Try not to get swept up into the first reaction or the fear… hold space and go deeper, stay tethered to the connection and the joy of being together.

I've said before I witness that as a major issue in relating, we’ll be so focused on the titles or milestones or goals, that we will forget to just relate…to enjoy each other, have fun, play. This is the place that all deep commitment should come from, not timelines, rules etc. You will know after a little time and space if it was just him needing to process or if he’s just not the guy for you, either way, keep you’re heart open and remember you are worthy of good true love.

Ashley Davene, Relationship Counselor - www.ashleydavene.com

# It's best to develop that emotional connection first before you both commit to moving into the next stage
Amy-Sherman

This scenario is very common.  You meet someone and are attracted to him, because the chemistry is strong.  You sleep with him, but he starts pulling away shortly after and you don’t know why.

For the following reasons, I believe couples should get to know each other on an emotional level, before getting physically intimate:

  • If you have sex too soon, before you really get to know someone, should the relationship not work out, you may feel slighted or used. 
  • There are other ways to show someone you care, so your loving partner feels that the relationship will ultimately move to the next level, but only when you are ready.

How long you should wait depends on your comfort level.  

Even if you feel you are ready, is this the only way to show you care? Women should never feel obligated to have sex if they are not ready or comfortable. That invades your personal boundaries and shows a level of disrespect from your partner.

There is a time in your early relationship to speak up, share your feelings and ask for what you need

There’s also an opportunity to assert yourself without putting your partner down.  In your early relationship, there’s a chance to discover how you and your partner communicate when you are both not in agreement, especially with awkward topics.

Sex takes a relationship to a deeper, more intimate level.  

It's best to develop that emotional connection first before you both commit to moving into the next stage. Relationships that move slowly, with respect, trust and honesty, will last longer, because both parties are showing the caring and concern each other deserve.

Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com

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