July 29, 2018

How Long Should I Wait Before Coming Physically Intimate With Him – 3 Must-Know Tips + Insights Revealed Inside

How Long Should I Wait Before Coming Physically Intimate With Him

“A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.”

~ Mandy Hale

# Ask yourself the below questions

There are many, many ways to answer this question

Ultimately it is determined by your belief system.  People say they have beliefs they put to the side and “things just happen”.  Your beliefs are not only what you tell people they are but also what you practice. 

If you practice different than your proclaimed beliefs, then you really don’t have the proclaimed beliefs.  If you believe having sex prior to marriage is wrong, ok, but what have you practiced.  

If you told someone you were against stealing but you stole their bicycle, do you think they would believe you? 

Should you believe yourself then?  Just as you see what people’s actions show with their words, your actions are being observed as well.  Even to yourself.  We don’t want to say something like, “sure my partner can have friends, not a problem”, and then be mad anytime they want to spend time with any of their friends.

If you say something, maybe in fear that you may look like the bad guy, and then expect them to follow your real beliefs of not having friends, family, co-workers, etc., both of you will be very hurt and only have arguments without solutions. 

I could say I am a lottery winner all day but if I don’t have a ticket, then it’s not really true.  Actions…. Words….very important to understand they back each other up, not stand alone. 

Sex in a relationship can be just about sex and not emotion at all.  If this is your belief, fine but make sure your sex partner understands and agrees.  Otherwise, its strictly a con.  That’s not nice at all. 

If your dating someone and you feel you are at that level of physical intimacy, and it is your belief system, then not a problem.  The problem comes in when one person wants the relationship someone else is only having fun

If you believe sex is an important part of a relationship, that is not a problem, just make sure your partner feels the same or you can be in for a rude awakening. Remember an indication of how well they can be trusted is to see the big picture of your time thus far.  

Do they think about you or expect to be the focal point?  

Do they understand when plans change?  Do they care if you are not ready to have sex yet?  How have their relationships been in the past?  

Are you always going to them or do you both take initiative?  Is your car the only one getting miles on it?  

Are they asking for money or to save them or are you guys getting to know each other before stressors of money and sex get involved? 

Many times, when sex becomes part of the relationship certain expectations become part as well

Exclusivity is a big one, joining money responsibilities or accounts, taking care of cars, jobs or family, etc.  Money and sex both can bring stress into a relationship.  How many times have you thought the other person only wanted you for sex or they thought you only wanted them for sex?  Or that they can have sex with you but don’t care enough to keep your car from getting repossessed?

Sex and money became a closeness meter of the relationship.  

That’s because it was started earlier in the relationship then trust was made, so doubt has grown.    Sex is an action that creates a very strong emotion, which is great if you are strong in the relationship, but not if that is a foundation of the relationship.  If you can’t talk about your opinions or feelings, whether it’s about family, work, friends, politics or religion, etc., how do you have trust you are really in the monogamous relationship you think you are?

Do their words match their actions, and I don’t mean their words of action but actual action?

By this I mean, they can say, for example, “I think it is important to have a savings account.”  But then they never save money, but they continue to have excuses as to why it has not happened yet. This is words of action but not backed up with action.

Once you have explored their personality and you are following your belief, then it is right to bring the physical intimacy into the relationship.  Specifically, you will know the right time because you won’t be making an individual choice of it, you will be making a couple choice of it. 

Katherine Woodworth, LPC, CRC – www.fairwaycounseling.com

# This is a deeply personal decision and it needs to be congruent with your values

Make your decision from a place of power and have no regrets about it.  

Do not guilt trip yourself about this later if it doesn’t work out with him. Do not let him shame you over this in any way, shape or form.

Be clear and realistic about your expectations from him and the potential relationship when you meet him.

Think about the pace you want to set in the relationship and take your time. Sometimes, when there is an instant attraction, the desire to be intimate can be strong. Lust can influence the decision to have sex shortly after meeting him. Be safe and go into the situation with your eyes open. Be mindful of your choices when you are under the influence of certain substances. Reflect on the repeating patterns in your relationships.

Is it safe to be vulnerable?

Acknowledge and be honest with yourself about your vulnerabilities. Everyone needs validation and wants to be loved. There is nothing wrong with wanting or needing to feel loved. Just be careful not to put yourself in a situation that becomes abusive by handing him your power. His opinion of you cannot be more important than your opinion of yourself.

Having sex for the first time with the man you are dating is a big step.

It is scary to take your clothes off and be intimate with someone new. It is normal to worry about acceptance and whether he will be attracted to you. Both of you are putting yourselves in a vulnerable position with each other. Neither of you wants to feel rejected or get hurt. He is just as nervous as you are albeit in different ways. Men worry about their performance and are self-conscious about their bodies too.

Make sure that the reason for your decision to have sex isn’t out of fear of losing him.  

It is a huge red flag if he cannot wait and respect your decision to choose when you have sex. If he is pressuring you and does not respect your boundaries at the beginning of the courtship, it will only go downhill from here. At the same time, be mindful not to send mixed messages. Be clear about your expectations regarding intimacy. Be honest about what you like and don’t like in the bedroom. Discuss the things that are absolutely not acceptable and non-negotiable.

Think about what you want from him

Be careful to go slow and get to know who he is before you are intimate. You don’t want to rush into a relationship with someone you don’t know very well. He could move into your house and decide he doesn’t want to leave when you want him to leave. Be careful the boundaries you cross in the beginning of the relationship because it will set the tone for the rest of the relationship. If you violate your own boundaries, what reason does he have to respect them if you don’t?

Don’t expect him to read your mind and give you something that you need but don’t ask for.

If you don’t hold him to relationship standards from the beginning, it will hard to hold him to those standards later on. This means that you cannot expect him to court you after he got the prize for little to no effort. It is important for him to earn your respect and express his intentions before becoming intimate. Courtship is becoming a lost art. Don’t be a diva but don’t sell yourself short either.

Some couples that began their relationship with a one-night stand are okay with how the relationship started. They knew from the beginning what they both wanted, and they were on the same page. Some of those relationships continue long term and other do not. Some people are unable to overcome being intimate too soon.

Having sex early in a relationship can become a bigger issue if it results in an unplanned pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease.

You need to have some important conversations regarding the consequences of sex emotionally and physically. Transparency and honesty are critical in developing the foundation for the relationship.  It takes time to build a foundation that can stand the test of time and life transitions.

He had other motives

If you lose him because you had sex with him and he no longer respects you, please move on. You don’t need anyone shaming you for the decision to have sex. Living by values that support abstinence until marriage are important for some men and some women. Just like other aspects of our lives, we are allowed to make decisions that resonate with our individual value systems. Do not allow anyone to hold this over you and shame you for it.

If he disappears after sex, just leave it alone.

A man doesn’t want to explain himself and admit that he behaved like a jerk. He does not want to face you and tell you that he only wanted sex. He is ashamed of his behavior and certainly does not want to get confronted about it. You may never know why he did what he did and in the end, it should not matter to you. How you conduct yourself is more important than what he did. Maintain your integrity and don’t stoop to his level by harassing or stalking him demanding an explanation. So, don’t wait to hear from him. Move on and let it go.

You are always taking a risk when you decide to have sex with someone you are dating.

Let me explain. There are no guarantees. He could lie to you about not having a sexually transmitted disease and he could lie to you about his intentions. You won’t know until you know. We are always taking a chance when it comes to love. You can love him and there is a chance he does not love you back. Either one of you can fall out of love and decide to end the relationship.

Be aware of what you are doing and maintain your personal power in the relationship.

If you want to have sex and it is not going to jeopardize your well-being, live your life and have some fun while you are at it. Always take responsibility for your decisions regardless of whether the relationship continues or not. Doing this means that you are in charge of your life and know the power you wield regardless of the situation.

Ileana Hinojosa, MLA, LMFT – www.themindfullife.net

# If you are interested in a long-term relationship, when to have sex is probably something the two of you should talk about

I think people should have sex when they want to and I mean when they really want to

Sex should never be used for any ulterior motive.  There are lots of reasons why people have sex ranging from pure physical desire, to a manifestation of intimacy or to symbolize the bond of a committed relationship.  None of them are bad but they are different and probably will lead to different outcomes.

I wouldn’t dream of telling anybody why they should or shouldn’t have sex.  It’s a personal decision and an important one.  It’s a decision that should be respected by a partner. No woman should ever feel pressured or intimidated into having sex.

If you are interested in a long-term relationship, when to have sex is probably something the two of you should talk about

I’m not of the opinion that having sex early on is necessarily bad.  If it’s a reflection of deep attraction and both partners want it, then why not?  However, having sex does change a relationship.  Sex for most women (and a lot of men) has meaning; it makes the stakes higher.  If your partner withdraws (pun intended) and you still really like him, it makes the rejection a lot more painful.

All relationships involve a certain level of vulnerability and sex increases the level

That’s not a reason not to have sex, but it is a reason the carefully consider the why.  Do you want to take the relationship to the next level?  Are you reasonably sure that your partner feels the same?  Again talking might be helpful as decisions made in the heat of the moment aren’t always the best in the long run.

I’m not against casual sex but I do think that having a lot of casual sex makes it a lot harder to have meaningful sex.  

If you want sex to mean something, you need to be sure that there is a connection between you and your partner that sex will enhance. Even if the relationship eventually ends, you can look back at it without the regret that comes from a relationship based on sex and not much else.

Sally LeBoy, MFT – www.sallyleboymft.com

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