June 29, 2018

What To Do When You are in Love But Not Sexually Attracted To Him

What to do when you are in love but not sexually attracted to him

“A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence.”

~ Mandy Hale

# Tell him that you don’t feel that way about him and then let it go

Usually sexual attraction is what starts a relationship

While the sexual high often doesn’t last, it’s an important part of the bonding process.  It helps to insure that the relationship will last.  If it’s not there at the beginning, it’s really difficult to create it.  Sexual attraction is primarily hormonal. Friendship is an intellectual process borne out of compatibility, shared values, and goals.  Of course these are all important to a love relationship too. It’s usually the sexual piece that distinguishes one from the other.

I’m not saying it’s impossible to become sexually attracted to a friend

Sometimes the intimacy of the friendship will begin to manifest in a sexual attraction.  In many ways this would be ideal.  You would already know your partner well.  You could be fairly confident that your judgment isn’t being clouded by intense sexual feelings.

Unfortunately, this pattern is the exception rather than the rule.

It’s uncomfortable if one partner is attracted and the other one isn’t.  People try to make this work by being upfront and honest about their feelings.  Honestly, I think the undesired person ends up getting hurt.  It’s very hard to rationalize constant rejection of your sexual appeal by a person you really care about.  And no, “It’s not you, it’s me” doesn’t help!

I think the best option is to tell the person that you don’t feel that way about him and then let it go

You may be able to remain friends, but you probably won’t be close.  Hopefully you will both move on to more reciprocated relationships, which will probably create more distance between you.

It’s sad when you’re with the perfect person, except for the sex, but I don’t think you can make yourself feel something you don’t. Sex is the catalyst for the relationship and while it’s not enough to make a relationship work, it’s a powerful motivator for doing the work involved in creating a long-lasting partnership.

Sally LeBoy, MFT – www.sallyleboymft.com

# Find out the "why"

The goal of singles is to step into a state of empowerment as they move into dating and relating with prospective partners.

Both men and women don’t need to be in a relationship, but they choose to attract one because they know they deserve love, companionship, respect and even more fun in their lives. Sex takes a relationship to a deeper, more intimate level and when you are in love, sex is usually more satisfying and fulfilling.

For most women sex is entwined with deep emotions, self-respect and security issues.

Casual sex can work for a period of time, but usually not for both parties simultaneously. A committed relationship is based on trust, surrender, respect, safety, responsibility and maturity. These qualities make sex more exciting and meaningful.

Love and sex go hand in hand

When you are in love, you desire your partner more because of the emotional attachment and the qualities that endeared you to him in the first place. But for some, the sex is just not that good physically or emotionally.  It doesn’t bring you closer, but it draws you away as something annoying or undesirable.

When this happens, it is important to find out why

Did something happen that caused you to love this person, but not desire him?  Was infidelity involved or some other mistrust that turned you off? Could poor hygiene be the problem, like bad breath or unkempt physical appearance?

Talk to your partner because the bond is already there.  

You love him, so emotionally you are committed. Something is not there, that once was.  Don’t be afraid to seek support from a therapist who can guide you both towards an understanding.  Don’t be afraid to open this discussion which will not only improve your relationship, but also bring it back to the healthy state it once was.

Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com

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