I Love My Boyfriend But I am Not Sure He is the One – What Should I Do?

The idea of The One is extremely misleading when searching for a life partner.

I know this statement sounds completely crazy as we are taught to believe that there is one soulmate out there somewhere in the world for everyone and when we find our soulmate... we will "just know" that they are The One for us. This mentality that has been ingrained in the minds of our society thanks to disney movies and chick flicks couldn't be farther from the truth than it already is.

If you want to figure out if your boyfriend and you are compatible and have a chance at creating a lifelong partnership, then that's more realistic.

Here are some things to look for:

- Is there sexual attraction?

- Do you both share the same goals in life? For example, do you both want kids?

- Do you have similar mentalities on life and marriage? For example, do you share opinions on how to spend money, how much time to spend together, on religion and the overall picture of how you envision married life to be?

- Does he fulfill all your relationship needs? And if not all, then most? Can you compromise on the needs that he does not fulfill?

Make a list of your needs vs wants in a relationship.

Be honest with yourself when making this list. Keep in mind that some of your wants will also be your needs.

Your needs will be the things that are your non-negotiables. Your wants are negotiable because they usually are superficial.

So for example, you may WANT a tall, handsome rich man. But do you NEED tall? Do you NEED handsome? Do you NEED rich? You may WANT a blonde or a brunette man. But do you NEED a man specifically with one of those hair colors?

Here's an example of needs...

You may write that you NEED an honest man. You may NEED a loyal man. You may NEED a hard working man. See the difference between wants and needs?

So if you answered yes to all of the above questions AND your boyfriend fulfills most of your needs then it's safe to say that he is probably a good match for you. Which means you can CHOOSE to MAKE him your THE ONE and if you fulfill his needs then he can make that same choice about you. You can have your soulmate/ The One ... But remember.. It is a choice to make each other, each others' soulmates.

Jacklyn Bystritsky, LCSW – www.psychotherapistjackie.wordpress.com​

There’s a lot that goes into determining if he’s “the one”.

That you already realize that love may not be enough shows that you are mature enough to want to consider all that goes into a committed relationship.

When you are considering sharing your life with someone you have to be able to trust that that person is capable of really taking care of himself (you notice I say take care of himself, not you).  If he isn’t, that job will fall to you. The feeling of love can quickly devolve into resentment if you find yourself doing all of the relationship work.

You have to be confident that he has a strong sense of self.  

Relationships require compromise.  If he isn’t self confident, he will feel like he‘s “losing” when the two of you are in disagreement.  Disagreements shouldn’t be an indicator that one is right and the other is wrong. But they do require that partner’s be able to let go of things always going their way.  There has to be a balance that allows each of you to have a voice.  That leads to respect.  

Mutual respect is the foundation of any good relationship.

Of course there are the obvious: shared values and goals, the capacity to earn enough to contribute to a decent lifestyle, common ideas about children, religion, politics, how to manage money.  You don’t have to agree on everything, but you have to be in enough agreement to be able to plan a life together.  The differences need to be tolerable.

Love is a wonderful emotional and physical high.  

While it’s not absolutely necessary for a relationship, it’s certainly an experience that most of us want to have.  Love is often what allows us to soothe some of the inevitable disappointments that come along in a long-term relationship.  But it’s not enough.  When you experience that passionate feeling for someone, enjoy it.  But wait until you can think clearly enough to examine all of the other elements that are necessary to a strong, healthy relationship.

Sally LeBoy, MFT – www.sallyleboymft.com

We fall in love for different reasons. 

We are insecure, and enjoy having someone in our lives.  We are desperate, and are afraid to be alone.  We are unhappy and think our partner can fill us up.  But the best reason to love someone, is because he meets all the criteria for a permanent, lasting relationship.

That means he treats you well and makes you feel good about yourself.  He cares for you sincerely and is there when you need him.  He makes you laugh because he has a good sense of humor and enjoys frivolity.  He is open to new ideas and is not rigid in his thinking.  His friends like you and you like his friends. Plus, he wants what you want and talks about the future together with you.

If you feel all this, then you know he is the one. 

If you are still unsure, then there must be something lacking.  Perhaps you are noticing some “red flags,” those feelings that are confusing and that you want to dismiss, but can’t get out of your head.  Those moments when he says something that really hurts, or does some unkind deed that gets you really mad – those are the things that often worry you.

These behaviors should not be ignored, because they will only get worse throughout the relationship.  

If you consider them deal breakers, do not compromise yourself by staying in the relationship. If you think you can work through them, by discussing how it impacts you, then do so.  Concerns, issues, dislikes and other relationship matters are important to clear up.  If your relationship is not like that, if you are afraid to bring up certain details, if you need to walk on egg shells, he is not the one…and you should leave fast. That is not love!

Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.yourbabyboomersnetwork.com​