The Seed Letter
Before I give you the exact Seed Letter to use to capture his interest, let’s see if you are emotionally ready first.
There is nothing worse than thinking you’re emotionally ready for contact, and then losing it once you actually get a call from your ex boyfriend or worse when he shows up at your door.
You want to be as prepared as possible so you know what you’re doing and what your next step will be.
When Should You Send This Letter?
In the original Ex Recovery System, I had devised a formula to help pinpoint when you should seek first contact with an ex.
I found this wasn’t always applicable because a lot of people were at different points of the break up: some people were in irregular contact, some exes wanted to be friends and other situations where the ex may be doing most of the contacting anyway.
So I decided to improve this section so it was more applicable to most situations.
So what is the Seed Letter for?
“The Seed Letter is purely to capture his interest.”
With this in mind, the TIMING of the letter is crucial to get right. If you send the letter too soon, it will only raise SUSPICION. That’s the last thing you want him to do.
The original First Contact Formula was kind of complicated and needed improvements. This time, I’ve simplifed things even further.
Actually, it’s rather simple…
Write and send the Seed Letter as soon you meet these criteria!
1. You must accept and agree with his decision to separate.
2. You must have made changes and have exciting news to share.
3. Once you send the Seed Letter you must not contact him and move onto Step 3: Removing His Resistance.
If you don’t meet all three of the above, then don’t send it until you do!
Okay, that’s my warning for you, now that you’re aware of it let’s get onto what this letter should say.
The key elements in the letter are:
a. Keep the letter extremely short, LESS than 150 words! (Better if it’s less than 100 words)
b. Apologize for any outstanding behavior
c. Show understanding and acceptance (you’re on HIS side)
d. Have exciting news to share, something you have changed or are changing about yourself
e. Prompt HIM to call you first (remember you’re no longer going to chase him, he needs to be doing the work)
f. Show excitement through your words and use of exclamation marks!
NOT in contact with your ex at all? Use this letter template:
I just wanted to send a quick message and apologize for my behavior lately. I understand what you mean now and I just don’t want to fight anymore.
On other news, I’m finally putting my band together! I’m really excited about some of the things that are coming up and I think I’m finally enjoying where things are headed!
Maybe I’ll tell you about it one day…
Call me if you ever want to chat.
In contact with your ex? Use this letter template:
If you’re in contact with your ex, I suggest you slowly DECREASE how often you do talk on the phone or see each other in person for the next 30 days.
It’s important that he notices you clearly pulling away from him, this is how you capture his attention if you’re in current contact.
To prepare for this letter, stop contacting him as often and then send this once distance is achieved.
I’ve been super busy lately, so sorry if I’m responding to you late. I had a think about it and I understand where you are coming from about the break up. I just don’t want us to fight anymore.
Anyway, on other news, I’m finally putting my band together! I’m really excited about some of the things that are coming up and I think I’m finally enjoying where things are headed!
Maybe you can come watch us play sometime!
Anyway, talk later
Notice that in the second Seed Letter example, I did NOT include the “Call me…” line.
That’s because if you’re in constant contact already the letter will already imply that he does this.
It is only if you’re NOT in contact, he may receive the letter and need a prompt to actually call you.
Alright, let’s break down all the key elements present in this letter.
This letter is only 81-90 words long. You don’t want your ex to open up the letter and be overwhelmed by pages and pages of text. Keep it short!
“I just wanted to send a quick message and apologize for my behavior lately.”
Once again, reinforce that it’s a quick message and you didn’t spend hours on it. Apologize for your behavior if there’s any behavior you need to apologize for.
“I understand what you mean now and I just don’t want to fight anymore.”
Shows you accept his point of view and understand where he is coming from. This is very important if you want to remove his resistance. Saying you don’t want to fight anymore also shows change and a new you.
“On other news, I’m finally putting my band together! I’m really excited about some of the things that are coming up and I think I’m finally enjoying where things are headed!”
This paragraph is the KEY of the letter! You must show your life is moving ahead and you’re EXCITED about the changes. This will trigger that curiosity side in your ex and make him want to pursue you for contact. If only to find out what that “new” thing is.
“Maybe I’ll tell you about it one day…”
This line leaves the door open for future contact but also outlines that you intend to give him space. There’s no pressure from you anymore.
“Call me if you ever want to chat.”
This gives your ex boyfriend a subtle embedded command as to what to do after he has read your letter. “Call me” is a command so you need to make sure it is included at the beginning of the sentence. This is a key factor to making this work.
As you can see, there is not a lot of difference between the “Contact with Ex” Letter and The “Not In Contact with Ex” Letter.
The biggest difference is actually what you do before and after you send this letter.
If you’re NOT in contact, send this letter once you have all the elements in place and you’re emotionally ready for more contact from your ex.
If you’re in contact, your aim is to pull back from your ex, and this letter is simply to say that you’re pulling back even more because he doesn’t know everything that is going on with you.
For best results, do not deviate too much from these letter templates. I’ve had clients create 300+ word letters, even though I had advised them not to do so. The longer the letter is, the LESS effective it will be.
Keep it super short, get straight to the point and then finish and post! If you love locally, send a handwritten letter. If your ex is a long distance lover, an email will be fine.
Do not mention the word “friends”. You don’t want to be locked into the “friends” category.
Mentioning you want to give him space implies you will NOT contact him after this letter.
Now you may wonder, why go through all the preparation for contact when I’m not even going to contact him?
The aim of the letter is to peek his interest. NOT for you to chase him even more. He needs to make the rest of the moves.
The second reason for going through the preparation first is when you send this letter it is VERY likely he will contact you. If he does, you must make sure that you are emotionally and mentally ready for it.
Before sending the letter, make sure there IS change in your life first. Aim to do just one thing new that you may include in your letter.
a. Start a new hobby/activity.
b. Do something that interests you.
c. Book an event, outing, fun activity ahead of time.
Look back on the things you’ve always wanted to do OR even better, always told your ex you wanted to do, but never did. Now is the perfect time to start doing it. If you can pick something that has been an issue in the past between you and your ex, that’s an even more added bonus.
What to do if you don’t hear back from your ex?
Whether or not you hear back from your ex after contact, move onto the Next Chapter. Whatever you do, you MUST NOT contact him!
About Ashley Kay
Ashley Kay is the author of Ex Recovery System, a guide that helps couples get back together. To know more about Ashley, visit her website below.